Vampyre Busted

Since there's no reason to believe actual vampires have ever existed, many socially maladjusted and attention whoring individuals take it upon themselves to don cheap velvet capes, slick back their hair, and pretend to be their favorite sexually ambiguous, blood-sucking superantiheroes. Jonathan Sharkey (pictured) (no, seriously, that's him) is one such individual. Calling himself a "Vampyre" (so you know just how pretentious he really is), Sharkey ran for governor of Minnesota in 2006 as the candidate of the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagans party. Perhaps ironically, a 16-year-old girl became a supporter of his on MySpace, the social networking site of choice for immortal creatures of the night. Unfortunately, Sharkey's vampire powers don't include an irresistibly hypnotic allure. He allegedly harassed the hell out of this girl with messages and emails, forcing her to take the drastic step of telling him she was actually a member of a secret order of vampire hunters and they must end their online relationship for Sharkey's own safety. This is called feeding a delusion, and it's not a good idea. Sharkey declared that this girl was his "princess", and after another barrage of unwanted creepiness, he was charged with felony harassment and two misdemeanor coercion counts--possibly for threatening to drink the girl's blood. Sharkey is now at the mercy of his public defender, since apparently not all vampires are filthy rich. More details here.

It's Not the Size of the Bat'leth...

...except that it is. I mean, I was pretty damn excited when I heard a man in Colorado Springs held up a convenience store with a bat'leth. (And if you don't know what a bat'leth is, just move along.) Star Trek fans aren't known for their dangerously mysterious allure, and I was hoping one of our own going on a Klingon-fueled crime spree might give us the kind of street cred we've been so sadly lacking. But look at the size of that bat'leth! This tool couldn't spring for the deluxe model? It's barely big enough to slice open a Publisher's Clearing House envelope, much less rend the guts from a Breen foot soldier. Just pathetic. I hope this guy rots in Gre'Thor. More details here.

Obama Expanding Faith-Based Influence

Barack Obama will reportedly announce the creation of the President's Advisory Council on Faith during a prayer breakfast with various church leaders in the White House this Thursday. Why prayers are so often relegated to breakfasts is anyone's guess, but we do have some idea of what this council will do. Unlike George W. Bush's faith-based initiatives, which sought mostly to funnel federal money into religious charities and social programs, Obama will use the council as a sounding board for policy issues he feels could benefit from faith-based input. While it might seem like Obama is chipping away at the wall between church and state that Bush so clumsily crashed through, this is actually a much smarter policy. (Surprise.) Instead of just throwing cash at church groups, Obama will instead seek the advice of church leaders in matters of healthcare and outreach to the poor--areas where faith-based charities have valuable experience. Look, it would be wonderful if there was a huge infrastructure of secular charities that did as much humanitarian work as religious ones, but that just isn't the case. To take Hurricane Katrina as just one example, faith-based relief efforts were some of the first on the scene, as well as some of the most effective. These people have money and motivation, and a lot of them know what they're doing. It's just a shame that so many of them choose to couch their efforts in superstitious nonsense. In other words, this is another smart move from the Obama administration. Now if only they could get a clue about throwing trillions of dollars the U.S. government doesn't have at an economic problem only made worse by the fact that the U.S. is in the hole for trillions of dollars... More details here.

Littledick McCriminalstein

Researchers at Shippensburg University have published a study showing that kids with unpopular names tend to commit crimes at higher rates than others. They examined state crime records and cross-referenced those juvenile criminals' names with the popularity-name index (PNI) of their names. The PNI score was based on the contemporary popularity of that name. Turns out kids with rare names like Ivan, Ernest, Blitzkrieg, and Twinkieshorts were more prone to juvenile delinquency. The authors of the study suggest that kids with terrible names are often exposed to other factors that increase their chances of turning into little shits, including disadvantaged home environments and lower socioeconomic status. Also, of course, there's the possibility that all that teasing Fatass von Browneye suffered at the hands of his cruel peers might have pushed him over the edge. And obviously stupid names don't guarantee a life of crime. While Carrot Top's act might well be considered criminal, it's not technically illegal. Yet. More details here.

Dalai Lama Dilemma

The Dalai Lama, now adorably waddling into the end of his golden years, will be dead quicker than you can say "free Tibet". But there's a bit of controversy over how to choose his successor. Traditionally, Dalai Lama's are believed to be reincarnated. A team of trusted priests interprets vague, mystical signs and made-up portents to determine which young child has the D.L. all up in him. In Buddhist-controlled Tibet, an appointed regent would rule the country until the Dalai Lama came of age. Or the regent would just murder the young Dalai Lama and try again. People like to hold onto power, after all. (And make no mistake--the so-called "free" Tibet that existed before the Chinese takeover in 1959 was lorded over by an incredibly powerful religious caste system. The peace-loving Lamas enslaved Tibetans and forbade public education. Truly, a wonderful precedent.) Anyway, what with the volatile political situation in Tibet, the Dalai Lama's next reincarnation is a tricky thing. The Chinese claim they have the legal right to appoint the Dalai Lama's successor. And the Dalai Lama himself is suggesting that he might break with tradition and choose his reincarnation before his death. (How this would work is anyone's guess, but it's best not to think too hard about such things.) Regardless of how this transition turns out, we should all take a moment to step back and appreciate the wonderful life that the current Dalai Lama has led. After being ousted as the theocratic dictator of his home country, he's bravely traveled the world posing for pictures, accepting celebrity donations, and selling t-shirts in the name of freedom. And by "freedom", of course, I mean the freedom to reclaim his cushy, unelected, and undeserved position at the top of Tibetan society. More details here.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Jellyfish

The world's oceans face a silent invasion from a native Caribbean jellyfish by the name of Turritopsis Nutricula. Unlike other jellyfish species, Turry doesn't die after mating. Instead, he reverts back to a juvenile state through cellular transdifferentiation, effectively aging himself backward and potentially rendering himself immortal. In fact, the only known way to kill one is if another immortal jellyfish cuts off its tentacles and absorbs its Quickening. Or, you know, by killing it any of the other ways you'd normally kill a jellyfish. You may be tempted to goad science into utilizing this post-coital age reversal in human beings, but you'd be a fool to do so. For one thing, immortality would mean an already crowded planet would become unlivable. And for another, we'd be finding vans full of freshly schtupped infants parked at every romantic lookout point in America. Think about it. More details here. And for a lovely poem about jellyfish, why not click here?

Fire Down Below

Scientists are convinced that Alaska's Mt. Redoubt, a 10,000 foot volcano, is on the steady march toward eruption. Within weeks, days, hours, minutes, or some other span of time, the peak will begin spurting ash and possibly a few dollops of molten lava. Look out Anchorage, things are about to get hot! Well, probably not. Anchorage, Alaska's most populous city counting all the rednecks, is a hundred miles from Mt. Redoubt. Though air traffic operations in the city had to be shut down during the volcano's last eruption in 1989 due to ashy air. Scientists believe that the impending eruption will be as powerful or weaker than the last one, so if you're a TV movie producer, I'm sad to say it looks like you won't be able to pitch a true story that's Dante's Peak meets Snow Dogs. The Alaska Volcano Observatory has set up a web camera at Mt. Redoubt's mouth, which serves two purposes. On one hand, it will allow for real-time monitoring of the eruption process, and on the other, it will provide a steady income from those willing to pay the $19.95 monthly fee to watch the volcano masturbate. More details here.