So Help Me God

California atheist Michael Newdow (famous for suing to take the God reference out of the Pledge of Allegiance) has joined with a gang of fellow atheists, The American Humanist Association, the Freedom from Religion Foundation, and other atheist groups to sue Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts as well as several other government officials responsible for sponsoring the upcoming presidential inauguration to bar them from bringing up God during the ceremony. The inaugural oath of office is laid out in the U.S. Constitution, but since we have this pesky thing called the separation of church and state, there's no reference to God in it. Only since 1933 has the phrase "so help me God" been added to the oath, but it's still not officially sanctioned. This lawsuit specifically seeks to ban Chief Justice Roberts from adding the phrase himself, since that would constitute a state endorsement of religion. But, of course, Obama will be free to name check the Lord if he so chooses. In other words, Obama will most likely say the thing anyway, so this lawsuit is really a waste of time and money. A more worthwhile effort might be spent toward explaining just what the hell "so help me God" is supposed to mean. Is it a plea for God's help in fulfilling your oath? In which case, is upholding the Constitution really so hard as to require help from the Almighty? More details here.

Sir Terry Pratchett

This is outside our normal realm of coverage, but it's a fair bet that many of you are fans of British fantasy humorist Terry Pratchett. And if you aren't, you should be. Unlike most other seemingly endless series of fantasy novels, his Discworld books are consistently funny, thoughtful, and well worthy of your time. Sadly, Pratchett was diagnosed with Alzheimer's not long ago, so his writing days are rapidly coming to a close. Which is why it's especially pleasing to note that his country has honored him with a knighthood for services to literature. This, of course, means that if Pratchett rides into your town wearing a suit of armor and demanding first dibs on your new wife's poon, you must step aside by law or face a horrible, horrible punishment. Serves you right. More details here.

Fat, Stupid Kids

We all know American kids aren't as bright as some others. In the subjects of math and science, our elementary and middle school students fall in the middle of the scores for other developed countries. And though our math scores have seen a slight improvement in recent years, science knowledge has fallen even further behind. And speaking of behinds, you probably also know from the waist-down b-roll of thunderous bottoms paraded regularly across the nightly news that our kids are a little tubby. Since 1980, the percentage of pleasantly plump children has tripled. And according to Harvard psychiatrist John Ratey, there's a link between the two. Programs like No Child Left Behind that are intended to prioritize academics over ancillary subjects like art and P.E. don't seem to be working. In part because of NCLB, only 6% of American high schools have a daily gym class, despite the fact that all that extra time in the classroom isn't improving test scores. (By the way, I would have killed to get out of daily gym class. There's only so many times I can kick a red rubber ball and run around bases before I start to question the whole purpose of this thing called life.) In fact, well-exercised kids have elevated levels of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine--effectively giving them a double dose of Ritalin and Prozac to help calm them down and maintain focus. Still, it's probably best to not wait on the government to force P.E. back into the schools. Instead, I have a proposal for all high school students: before you take a test, put down your pencil, fold up your cheat sheet, and play a game of dodge ball. Sure, it's a little distracting, but if you end up in the hospital, you have until the end of the year to finish your makeup. It's the law. I'm pretty sure. More details here.

Space Science

And you thought satellite photography was only good for peering into your beautiful neighbor's bedroom window. (I love you, Mrs. Walsworth.) Using high-res images taken from space, archaeologists are now able to scour every nook and cranny of the earth looking for ruins to excavate and Nazis to kill with their bullwhips. Sarah Palcak, who archaeologizes for the University of Alabama, says that the overwhelming new satellite-aided discoveries in Egypt alone suggest that we've only uncovered about 1/100th of one percent of all the archaeological sites there. That's just insane. Who knows what ancient wonders await us? Maybe one day we'll finally dig up the ancient hall of records left by the advanced alien species who came to our planet in days of yore, taught the Egyptians how to use simple tools, and vanished into the night sky. Either that or a shitload of pottery. More details here.

Interesting...

Apparently, Dick Cheney has no idea why he's so unpopular.

Huh.

I mean...

All right then.

Abstinence, Schmabstinence

Like every single similar study done before, a new study of federal survey data has shown that teens who take abstinence pledges are not any less likely to have sex before marriage than those who don't. They are, however, ten points more likely to engage in premarital sex without using condoms or other birth control methods. In other words, they're still doing it and doing it and doing it, but they aren't necessarily doing it well. I don't want to read too much into this study, but it's probably a safe bet to assume that anyone you meet in college who's still wearing one of those ridiculous virgin rings is probably riddled with STDs and/or owns a human child, which is really the worst kind of STD. Unlike previous studies involving abstinence-only "education", this one compared survey results from teens who took abstinence pledges with those who didn't take the pledges but still professed to have the same opinion that sex before marriage is wrong. So even among like-minded teens, there's no evidence that abstinence programs have any effect. This is probably good to know, since the federal government currently spends nearly $200 million a year funding these useless programs. Who knew stupid rings were so expensive? More details here.

Not so Superheroes

Is there a schlubby manual laborer with a minimal amount of martial arts training and a spray-painted unitard protecting the mean streets of your neighborhood at night? If the current trend of costumed vigilantism continues, it's only a matter of time. Cities all across the U.S. are currently nestled under the watchful eyes of homemade superheroes who wander around after dark looking for muggers or people having trouble getting their cars started. Oh, and they wear spandex. Phoenix, Arizona has the Green Scorpion. New York has Terrifica. Indianapolis has Mr. Silent (pictured here with his partner, Doktor Discord). And all of these people have delusions of grandeur. The biggest blow to a real-life superhero has to be the depressing lack of real-life supervillains knocking over banks and plotting to blow up the moon. Many of these heroes report being too intimidated to confront armed criminals, some arrive at the scene of a crime only to find the cops already there, and even more just wander around all night looking bored behind their spirit gummed masks. Law enforcement officials seem bemused by the whole idea, though they also point out that the notorious Crips and Bloods gangs started as community vigilante groups. So, forming your own ragtag Justice League may have unforseen consequences. After all, who watches the watchmen? Anyway, the Times Online article on homemade heroes is a gem, if only for the gun nut commentator who recommends our would-be protectors register to legally carry concealed firearms. Apparently he doesn't realize that a true hero scoffs at the lethal use of force. Also, there's nowhere to keep a Glock in a pair of tights. Read the whole article here.