Dentana

No, it isn't a merperson. It's just a fish with human-like teeth.

Scientology Watch

MINUS: Under suspicious circumstances, the great director Paul Thomas Anderson has indefinitely postponed his plans to make The Master, a film loosely based on the life of L. Ron Hubbard, in which master thespian Philip Seymour Hoffman would have played the titular nutball.

PLUS: Mad Men actress Elizabeth Moss has filed for divorce from her husband of eleven months, Saturday Night Live's Fed Armisen. Possibly baseless rumor mongering has it that Moss' devotion to Scientology may have played a role in the divorce. In any case, she's on the market, fellas.

TOTAL: A wash, though it's probably more likely that I would have watched and enjoyed The Master than that I will marry Elizabeth Moss as part of my larger scheme to get closer to a Hamm sandwich with Don Draper and Christina Hendricks.

When Gay Sex is Outlawed...

For several years, many U.S. states had laws against sodomy, the illicit use of human genitals for anything other than creating a child who will one day Google the word "blowjob". But in 2003, the Supreme Court struck down Texas' anti-sodomy law, thereby rendering similar laws in all other states moot.

But despite all that, the official platform adopted by the Republican Party of Montana in June still includes a stance in favor of outlawing "homosexual acts". Granted, homosexual acts are a grave danger to the Montana economy. It's a state full of wide open spaces just begging to be turned into hot man-on-man orgy grounds. Plus, with such a low population, it's rare for members of the opposite sex to even meet, let alone procreate.

But not all Montana Republicans are in favor of the platform. At least one state legislator says that it has no place in the modern GOP and that anyone wanting to arrest gays should join another political party. Plus, there's no legal means for the state to re-outlaw buttsex, mouthfucking, and mutual masturbation after the state supreme court struck down its sodomy laws in 1997.

However, it's good to know some Montana Republicans are still thinking long and hard about sodomy. It's all over their minds like semen on an upper lip.

The Mouse Problem

Christine O'Donnell, the newly minted Republican senatorial candidate from the great tax haven of Delaware is forging ahead with her plans to become this news cycle's Sarah Palin. She's a political outsider, she's pissed off about the D.C. status quo, and she's willing to say any crazy thing it takes to rile up the rabid right-wingers. It's a brave stance to take, especially since with each passing day, it's looking more and more likely that O'Donnell accidentally lobotomized herself sometime in the early '90s.

Weirdly, it's not so much what O'Donnell's saying now that makes her seem like a glue sniffer. It's the seemingly bottomless well of ridiculous quotes from all of her TV appearances in the last fifteen years. First, she took to MTV to decry masturbation. Then she was on Politically Incorrect discussing her dabbling with witchcraft. On C-SPAN, she lamented the taxpayer money spent on trying to help self-destructive AIDS patients. And now, we've learned that during a 2007 appearance on The O'Reilly Factor, O'Donnell warned the nation of a monstrous horror lurking in our laboratories.

"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully-functioning human brains," she said, sniffing suspiciously.

Here's the thing: This is bullshit. It never happened, and it's a little mind boggling how someone could possibly think it did.

However, the inverse may, in fact, be true. While no human-brained mice are intelligently dropping their turds in the box of Christmas ornaments we keep in our attics, there is evidence that some fully-functioning humans may demonstrate mouse-like behavior:

Book Learnin'

Members of the Texas State Board of Education are pushing a resolution that would warn textbook publishers against downplaying Christianity while glorifying Islam in history books adopted by state schools. According to the resolution's conservative backers, several history books are known to devote more space to discussing Islam than Christianity, to teach about Christian massacres of Muslims during the crusades while ignoring Muslim massacres of Christians, and to devote several chapters to the fact that Mohamed's camera shyness is far sexier than Jesus' downright slutty need to pose for every Renaissance painter who ever lived.

Critics say that these board members are placing politics above education. Also, that the textbooks they cite as offensively pro-Islam aren't even used in Texas classrooms. But proponents have responded by claiming "Middle-Easterners" are buying into textbook publishing companies in order to push their terrorist agenda. As evidence, they refuse to provide any evidence.

This is pretty much par for the course when it comes to the Texas school board. These are the same people who tried to insert creationist textbooks into the state's biology classrooms, and several board members are the types of people who wear lots of denim dresses decorated with wooden buttons they bought at an arts and crafts show in a church parking lot.

I'm a little bored by this news, to tell you the truth. Not so much because it's more of the same, but because I'm fairly certain that the entire Texas State Board of Education is composed of characters played via split-screen technology by a very much alive Andy Kaufman.

Twilight

LiveScience.com recently reported on a conference held in Cambridge earlier this month to discuss the role popular teen fiction like the Twilight series might have in shaping young brains.

Actually, the conference covered several areas of research relating to neuroscience and the arts in young people, but LiveScience.com knows what any good web outlet knows: Twilight equals page views.

Twilight The only real scientific Twilight takeaway from this conference Twilight is that teenagers have mushier brains than real humans Twilight, and are therefore more susceptible to influence Twilight from books, movies, peers, Twilight, and their own personal experiences. Twilight.

This isn't new, Twilight but it's interesting to study whether Twilight the subtextual values included in teen entertainment Twilight might take advantage of a young person's underdeveloped brain Twilight to make a bigger impact Twilight than they otherwise might.

Twilight, for example, Twilight may have certain anti-feminist, conservative Twilight messages that could be Twilight unwittingly embraced by its target Twilight audience. Which is a scary thought, Twilight since no one wants an entire Twilight generation of girls yearning to be stalked Twilight by a semi-pedophilic Twilight vampire Twilight. Well, except for Twilight semi-pedophilic vampires, I Twilight suppose.

Twilight Twilight Twilight.

Twilight.

4th Dimensional Bigfeet Going Out

Cryptomundo has published a very intriguing email from a person known only as "silvereagle" who claims to know of a Bigfoot research project conducted at the Lawrence Livermore National Labs in the '60s. According to silvereagle, the labs had several Bigfeet in captivity and were able to determine that the creatures are intelligent extradimensional beings with the power to turn invisible and walk through walls. Unfortunately, one was also a bit of a sexist prankster.

"Apparently, it liked to sneak up on the secretaries from behind, when they came in for coffee. So there were a few dropped coffee pots and burnt toes. [The secretaries] drove [a Bigfoot] out of the building by opening up a pathway by propping doors open and presumably banging on pots and pans. Apparently, one scientist was retired early because it was believed that the bigfoot hypnotised him to go insane."

There's much more at Cryptomundo. The takeaway? Our secretaries are never safe from invisible Bigfeet.

The Circle of Dumb

The local Oklahoma chapter of the Coalition of Reason recently raised $5,250 to erect this dumb billboard about atheism. This is in response to the numerous dumb billboards about Christianity that believers have been erecting for years.

In other news, people are too busy texting to notice when they drive past a dumb billboard.

Old Colonial

In a recent article for Forbes, conservative intellectual and shell-less amphibian Dinesh D'Souza hypothesized that Barack Obama's worldview was predominantly shaped by the social and political opinions of his father, who was reportedly a Kenyan communist devil worshipper with a soft spot for Adolf Hitler. Now, former Republican U.S. representative, probable 2012 presidential candidate, and victim of congenital tinyface disease Newt Gingrich has picked up that idea and run with it.

Speaking to The National Review, Gingrich said that Obama may be completely inscrutable to the average American, as his politics and values could be "Kenyan" and "anti-colonial".

Now, the fact is that Obama is no more a Kenyan than Gingrich is a member of whatever reptilian race to which his ancestors belonged. But the liberal blowhards who've gone on the attack over this comment might be taking things a step too far. Gingrich is 100% correct that Obama is an anti-colonial.

Think about it. In these past two years of the Obama presidency, has the man himself done a single thing to support our struggling American colonies across the globe? This used to be the empire upon which the sun never set! And now we are but a pale, impotent shadow of our former selves.

What about those brave pioneers we sent to the furthest reaches of Namibia, Mongolia, Prussia, and those other places? They're toiling in obscurity, doomed to stockpile winter food and tame the rabid savages with the Word of the Lord. Nowhere in Obama's budget is there an allocation for new Bibles or hogsmead for these poor souls. Why, if we continue to ignore them, they'll be blameless for taking up arms in pursuit of their own emancipation.

I for one hope Gingrich's words are heeded. If he doesn't rip the presidency from Obama's grasp, the least we can do is hold him up as a great American prophet and carve his tiny, tiny face into the side of some mountain or other.

Kaufman on Net Neutrality

Lloyd Kaufman isn't just the mad genius behind Troma Films and a great friend of Amateur Scientist Industries. He's also one of the founding fathers of the independent cinema movement. As I said during his appearance on our Dragon*Con 2010 show, everyone who makes things without the help of giant corporations owes Lloyd a debt of gratitude.

And as a champion of the little guy, Lloyd has written an open letter on net neutrality, which you can read here. Please do. It's an important issue that's worth your time.

WARNING: Very few tits or gory deaths at that link. Unfortunately.

Electric Touch

Researchers have developed a new type of artificial skin for future robots: one which grants them a rudimentary sense of touch. Sensors in the skin respond to changes in thickness due to pressure. It's capable to detect pressures as gentle as the feeling of typing on a keyboard or holding a small object such as a pencil or an EMP grenade.

Just kidding. There's probably no need to carry EMP grenades around these touchbots. Just like there's probably no need to keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen. It's just there for peace of mind.

If we're to enslave robots for delicate tasks like polishing our fine crystal or lifting our privates to get at those hard-to-scrub areas, it's important that they be sensitive enough to not accidentally crush objects with their unholy strength. It's also important that they learn how to be tickled, as robot laughter is the best medicine for electrical burns.

Researchers say before touchbots are ready for the Sears catalog, this artificial skin may be used to grant skinless humans a new lease on touch. Pretty soon, we'll all be able to feel medical droids poking needles at the fingers of our new robot hands before we retire to our bunks for a little advanced testing.

SadCraft

It’s no wonder so many Koreans are addicted to video games. Not long ago, a Korean couple killed their baby after neglecting it in favor of playing some crappy MMO. And so many people play StarCraft that it’s a valid career path for troubled youths.

This probably has something to do with the fact that South Korea is surrounded by a bunch of terrible neighbors. It can be stressful knowing that the people you hear stomping on your roof are actually the malnourished, lobotomized army of a tiny madman sitting on a nuclear arsenal. For a few years, I was convinced the guy living across the hall from me was a Mafioso, and the only thing that took my mind off stray bullet nightmares was a slavish devotion to Minesweeper. Also, lots of mushrooms.

But it seems some Korean psychiatrists have successfully treated StarCraft addiction in particular with the antidepressant Buproprion. The study participants each played StarCraft an average of four hours per day. Some of them have missed months of school due to their addiction, and others have even been divorced because of their disgusting clicking habit.

This is good news for Korean gamers in search of medical help for their uncontrollable urges. But even though I hate to sound like a prude, there’s really only one 100% effective cure for StarCraft or MMO addiction: taste in video games.

Showoff

You know, I always found it obnoxious when smarty pantses and Korean exchange students would smugly solve a Rubik’s Cube in front of me when the only way I could do it was with a claw hammer and a tube of superglue. But this jerk takes the puzzle cube braggart taco:

Chained Heart

Some of us lose all bodily control when forced into a potentially romantic situation. But for at least one person, this isn’t just a symptom of a massive Planet of the Apes memorabilia collection. It’s actually a medical condition.

Matt Frerking, a neurologist, becomes paralyzed when his thoughts turn to love or when he witnesses a little too much public heavy petting. It’s a combination of narcolepsy and cataplexy, or a weakening of the muscles. He can barely touch his wife. Anniversary celebrations shut him down. In short, he’s a catch.

Frerking says he can’t even watch trailers for romantic movies, so he usually occupies his mind during the 45 minutes of previews before a film by concentrating on scientific research. With his extremely attractive new lab assistant Bethany… Aaaand, he’s out.

Kidding aside, this sounds like a horrific condition, and my heart goes out to the man.

Kidding not aside, his best friends call him Casanovocain.

Billy Ray: Alien Hunter

Billy Ray Cyrus’ star waned in the latter half of the 20th century when America learned to heal its achy breaky heart, reject the Dixie mullet, and finally seek treatment for its syphilitic pop culture delirium. It’s the same set of circumstances that led to the fall of slap bracelets and Perfect Strangers spinoffs. But unlike Urkel, Billy Ray has risen again.

Turns out the Cyrus seed was potent enough to create a plasticky homunculus with the kind of freshly-scrubbed teen charm and premature smoker’s voice that appeals to the Disney pretween demo. Billy Ray ironed his mullet, adjusted the douchiness of his outfits, and hitched a ride back to the top on his daughter Miley’s hair extensions. And it looks like he’s milking his second chance for all its worth by following in the footsteps of his heroes Leonard Nimoy, Jonathan Frakes, and Arthur C. Clarke. That’s right. Billy Ray Cyrus is going to host a show about the paranormal.

Called UFO: Unbelievably Freakin’ Obvious, the show will follow Cyrus and his doomed son Trace crisscross the globe in search of aliens, ghosts, monsters, and cheese fries. Yes, this will be on SyFy. Yes, it will be better than Farscape.

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