Old Colonial

In a recent article for Forbes, conservative intellectual and shell-less amphibian Dinesh D'Souza hypothesized that Barack Obama's worldview was predominantly shaped by the social and political opinions of his father, who was reportedly a Kenyan communist devil worshipper with a soft spot for Adolf Hitler. Now, former Republican U.S. representative, probable 2012 presidential candidate, and victim of congenital tinyface disease Newt Gingrich has picked up that idea and run with it.

Speaking to The National Review, Gingrich said that Obama may be completely inscrutable to the average American, as his politics and values could be "Kenyan" and "anti-colonial".

Now, the fact is that Obama is no more a Kenyan than Gingrich is a member of whatever reptilian race to which his ancestors belonged. But the liberal blowhards who've gone on the attack over this comment might be taking things a step too far. Gingrich is 100% correct that Obama is an anti-colonial.

Think about it. In these past two years of the Obama presidency, has the man himself done a single thing to support our struggling American colonies across the globe? This used to be the empire upon which the sun never set! And now we are but a pale, impotent shadow of our former selves.

What about those brave pioneers we sent to the furthest reaches of Namibia, Mongolia, Prussia, and those other places? They're toiling in obscurity, doomed to stockpile winter food and tame the rabid savages with the Word of the Lord. Nowhere in Obama's budget is there an allocation for new Bibles or hogsmead for these poor souls. Why, if we continue to ignore them, they'll be blameless for taking up arms in pursuit of their own emancipation.

I for one hope Gingrich's words are heeded. If he doesn't rip the presidency from Obama's grasp, the least we can do is hold him up as a great American prophet and carve his tiny, tiny face into the side of some mountain or other.