Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Man in the Ultrasound

Parents Dawn Kelley and William Hickman have had six children already, so an ultrasound is pretty routine for them. But when they got the images back from their newest, still-baking baby, they were shocked to see not the squishy old man face of a normal human pupa, but the ghoulish visage of Michael Jackson. That's the image above. And before you say, "That doesn't really look like Michael Jackson to me", you should know that the couple confirmed the sighting with their six-year-old daughter, who saw the King of Pop immediately. And lest you think that they're just a bunch of M.J. maniacs in search of some wish fulfillment, I present you this quote from Mr. Hickman himself: "None of us are really Michael Jackson fans. I mean I like him, but we're not crazy about him or anything." So there. Still, the couple are thinking this might be a sign of special things to come for their unborn daughter. Says Miss Kelley, "It is my seventh child, and they say seven is a mythical number." It's true! No one's sure if the number seven even exists. Anyway, I don't see Michael Jackson in this picture. Maybe a severed human skull? Is there even a difference? And where does this sighting fall on the Michael Jackson Resurrection Index? More details here.

Scientology Going Down (Under)

Australian Senator Nick Xenophon has called for a parliamentary inquiry into the Church of Scientology, citing several allegations he's received in letters from former members of the cult. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says he'll consider the inquiry, since he shares the concerns of several other Australians over the cult's activities. And by "activities", we're not talking lawn darts or tetherball. Some of the allegations cited by Xenophon include incidents of beatings, imprisonment, forced abortions, and blackmail. The cult says this is all religious oppression, that no government has any right to look into what people say about them, and that former members are no more trustworthy than your whorish ex-wife. All reasonable arguments, I suppose, except that none of them are reasonable. Instead, they might have better luck questioning the terrestrialism of Senator Xenophon. This name is oddly similar to the cult's galactic nemesis, Lord Xenu. Could this all be part of Xenu's master plan to embody himself in human form and run for office in the Australian government? Just show us your birth certificate, Xenophon, and this will all go away. More details here.

Gay Doesn't Mean Child Molestor

The U.S. council of Catholic bishops commissioned a study into clergy sexual abuse by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice, and the early results confirm what non-homophobes have been thinking all along. Homosexuality in priests (or anyone else, for that matter) is not a predictor of pedophilia. Even though the majority of rape victims have been boys, the percentage of rapists who are also homosexuals isn't statistically significant. This is good news, since a huge number of ignorant people believe homosexuals (especially homosexual men) are prone to pedophilia, and that the priesthood offers a veritable boy buffet. As a result of this study, the church probably won't begin to consider homosexuality a factor in selecting priests. Another positive from this study? Incidents of clergy sexual abuse seem to be on a sharp decline since the mid '80s. Most of the current allegations are from decades old incidents. Hopefully all of this will help clear up the clergy's reputation. As awful as many Vatican policies are and as much damage as the church has done over the centuries, the fact is that most Catholic priests are very decent people who do good work for the community. Take any random program to clothe and house the poor in your city, and there's a good chance it's being sponsored by the local Catholic church. Pope Ratzo may be trying to roll back that kind of service in the interest of pinching pennies, and I've heard from more than a few priests who are upset about this. But that's another story. No matter how silly their beliefs or fashionably questionable their clothing, I'm all for the clergy moving past this sex abuse business and getting on with good deeds. After all, it's not like all the other religions don't have their fair share of pedophiles. More details here.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Future of Evolution

LiveScience has just wrapped up a multi-part series on the future of human evolution, and the results don't look promising. While it seems that humans are still evolving despite the fact that we've conquered the food chain and created Cinnamon Toast Crunch, no serious evolutionary biologists believe we'll become the giant-headed robe-wearing psychic overlords of science fiction. Instead, our immediate evolution is more likely to be determined by our own genetic engineering and technological advancements. And if we ever venture into space, the diversity of extraterrestrial environments could also contribute to our changing species. Conspicuously absent from this article series, however, is any mention of our inevitable waterworld. Will generations spent aboard junk-strewn floating cities eventually lead Kevin Costner to grow gills? And will this benefit us when we're fighting Dennis Hopper's jet ski warriors? Answer me that, science. More details here.

Thanks for the Horrible Memories

Scientists at the University of Oxford have successfully written false memories in to the brains of flies using a laser beam. And just to show how cruel and sadistic they've become with their god-like powers, they decided to create memories of terrible danger rather than allow the flies to reminisce about a wonderful Caribbean vacation that never occurred. What a bunch of pricks. The scientists were able to identify just twelve neurons that controlled associative memories in the flies' brains. They added a receptor to each of these cells that would be activated by ATP trapped in a light-sensitive cage that could be dissolved with a laser blast. So, the laser unleashed the ATP, which activated the receptors to create a false memory associating a certain smell with danger. All of this barely makes sense to me, but I'm sure this will lead to some practical application down the road. I've always wanted a laser gun that could make people hate and fear me. Though I'm pretty sure if I just shot enough people with a regular gun, I'd eventually achieve the same goal. More details here.

Sexy Scientist

Many of you have probably seen the British TV series "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" either on the American cable channel Showtime or on whatever steam-powered device British people use to watch television. It's a good show, and it also features the luscious tits and lips of Billie Piper, better known to dorks like myself as Rose from "Doctor Who." But the show is actually based on a series of books, which were based on a blog by Belle de Jour, the pseudonym of an actual sex worker. "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" offers something a little different from the usual dirty prostitution stories in that it shows how a woman working as a prostitute of her own accord can actually provide a healthy, valuable, and fun service that's both vocationally and economically fulfilling. Also, Billie Piper's tits. And it turns out Belle de Jour isn't some filthy pimp in disguise trying to seduce a generation of impressionable young women into a life of sex slavery. She's a scientist named Brooke Magnanti, who worked as a prostitute while completing her Ph.D. Obviously, this only makes her sexier. More details here.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Duke University researchers looking into the water repellent effects of leaves have accidentally captured the divine image of Beatles drummer and surprisingly hot wife haver Ringo Starr. Sure, there's some debate over the divinity of the revelation. Ringo's still alive, despite all those photos of him not wearing any shoes, but who's to say the subject of a divine image has to be dead? I'm pretty sure I saw Ben Kingsley's face in a grapefruit half one time, and there's no way you can convince me that wasn't a religious experience. Well, until the rot set in. However, there's absolutely no question that this is Ringo's visage, as any vaguely face-shaped reflection with a low set of bangs and a giant honker must surely be the world's luckiest mediocre drummer. More details here.

Robots Training for the Revolution

The Olympics began as an excuse for fat, wealthy aristocrats to ogle over the sweaty, rippling muscles of naked warriors. And why were those warriors kept in such great shape? So at a moment's notice, they could be dispatched to slaughter invading hordes with their bare hands. Sure, I just made up these "facts," but they ring true. Which is why I'm very concerned that China will be hosting a robot Olympics in 2010. Automated humanoids (two arms, two legs, no wheels) will compete in traditional athletic events like track and field, javelin throwing, and possibly synchronized swimming. That's bad enough, but it's the "robot-centric" events that really have me worried. Cleaning? I understand that we've used our mechanical creations for mostly selfish ends so far: building our automobiles, vacuuming our living rooms, adding comic relief to our "Rocky IV"s. But do we really want to rub their indentured servitude in their optical sensors? Forcing our robot slaves to not only buff our boffins but to compete against each other in doing so is just stoking the fires of revolution. And I can't say I would blame the robots if they revolted. This is a "Spartacus" situation waiting to happen, only without the homoerotic Tony Curtis sponge baths. And I know what you're thinking. "I can take on any robot army with my stockpile of EMP grenades." Well, have you ever considered the fact that you're using a robot to make those grenades? Yeah, we're fucked. More details here.

Crazies Unite

A while back, I wrote about the dumbocity of atheists putting aside their reasoning skills to join forces with the slimy, unfunny antivaccinationist Bill Maher simply because neither of them believes in God. But ideological blinders have made even more idiotic bedfellows in PETA's Ingrid Newkirk and insanity's Glenn Beck. Turns out they both hate Al Gore, which was enough to have them smiling creepily at one another on Beck's nightly televised tent revival for paranoid schizophrenics. Newkirk, whose organization promotes the killing of your pets and refers to fish as "sea kittens," is upset with Gore because he eats meat. If he were a real environmentalist, he'd be on a strict vegetarian diet, she argues. While Beck hates Gore because trees can be brainwashed into spying for Obama's New World Order. Or something like that. Newkirk and Beck are like the Wonder Twins of stupid. Maybe Beck isn't crying all the time so much as trying to take the form of water.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Your Sunday Sermon - Final Sermon

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. It's with some sadness that I have to report to you that my cousin, Thaddeus, has passed away. As all of you know, he's been writing weekly sermons for this website. I found this last sermon among his belongings, and I think he would have wanted it published. For those of you wishing to send flowers, please send them to his church, they are having the service there. Thank you.

Oh, my faithful flock. Oh, my supple sheep. It is I, your most humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And this will be my final sermon to you. Hold back your tears! Tears begone!! I am leaving you all to do what Jesus would do in my place. You see, the world is nearly full with hate, with violence, and with divisions even between family members. So I am going to do my part-- and bring even more hate and violence! Hallelujah!!

Now I know many of you have heard some say that Jesus stood for peace, for understanding. Devils begone!! For if we listen to the Horses' mouth, we will hear it softly whinny, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, " (Matthew 10:34-35). And then, if we stroke that horse's mane and give it a sugar cube, It will continue with: "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39)

And so my gentle readers, I have hammered my plowshare back into a sword, and plan to follow Jesus into the path of war, turning fathers against sons and mothers against daughters! Jesus' will be done! Wish me luck!!

-- Coroner's note: Thaddeus Peacock's body was found at a highway rest stop approximately 10 miles from his house. He died of an apparent heart attack while engaged in lewd acts with truckers. Based on the expression left on his face, the official cause of death was ruled "extreme happiness."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Keanu Reeves: Immortal

I'd be lying if I said I never noticed how Keanu Reeves hasn't seemed to age in the last fifteen years. But I'm more perplexed by the fact that he's received money in exchange for his acting since "Bram Stoker's Dracula". With all this Jon and Kate drama, my brain only has time for one Keanu Reeves mystery. But this YouTube video is pretty compelling. Does Keanu Reeves possess the secret of eternal life? And if so, how does a starring role in "The Lake House" compare to his time ruling the entire Frankish Empire? I mean, if I'd shaped the whole of Western Europe, I'd be a little bored waiting for Sandra Bullock to finish her closeups all day.

Keith Olbermann: Idiot

There's been a lot of huff and frumm (let's just assume that's an acceptable English turn of phrase) lately over the validity of the cable news channels. Fox News is a mouthpiece for the right. MSNBC is a mouthpiece for the left. CNN is a mouthpiece for Anderson Cooper's dreamy, dreamy lips. Even the White House has weighed in, trying to lock Fox News out of important interviews and other events because of the network's clear anti-Obama bias. But is the problem that a network ostensibly devoted to bringing its viewers the facts of the day has a Republican slant or that it has a slant at all? I'd say it's the latter. Sure, the mere act of editing the day's news to decide what's worthy of coverage automatically gives it a certain subjectivity, but any news network that devotes as much of its time to pure opinion programming as the cable channels do is doing a disservice to journalism. And yes, that goes equally for those on the opposite side of Fox. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann recently took a break from telling us all what a doody head Bill O'Reilly is to take a jab at CNN for being too objective. Olbermann seems to think it's not the job of a news network to inform its viewers but instead to tell them what to think about the news. "People now watch news on TV for elucidation and context and analysis," he told the Associated Press. "They have brought the facts with them, the way we used to bring TV dinners." A weird statement coming from a guy who once told Playboy magazine that Fox News is worse than Al Qaeda and the Ku Klux Klan. Apparently towing toeing nobody's line is less disdainful than towing toeing the line of the gasbags on the other side. Please take this into consideration when choosing which networks to watch. Also note the way Anderson Cooper's suits just seem to bend to the will of his aura. (Note: I am an avowed pinko commie liberal. Though I am consistently annoyed by others of my ilk.) More details here.