Monday, March 31, 2008

Animated Apostacy

If life were an '80s action movie, this would be about the time when the racist stereotype comic relief character proclaims, "Hold onto your butts!" While the Netherlands are all atwitter over MP Geert Wilders' anti-Islam film, Iran-born Dutch city council member Ehsan Jami (pictured here making me question my heterosexuality) is about to release his new cartoon The Life of Mohammed. Sounds innocuous enough until you consider the fact that Mohammed's life includes raping his 9-year-old "wife" Aisha. Like the best Disney animators, Jami will bring Mohammed's pedophilia to glorious life by depicting him luring a young girl into a mosque bearing a swastika (huh?) while sporting a raging erection. Is it just me, or do Dutch cartoon protests of the horrors of Islam resemble 1970s-era Mad Magazine? Because they have no respect for freedom and no critical thinking skills, the local Muslims and Government Contact Body (great name for a politically charged straight-to-DVD psychosexual thriller, by the way) are lobbying the Dutch government to ban the film because it might upset homicidally insane Muslims. Not to sound insensitive, but boo fucking hoo. More details here.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

LiveLeak.com: Cowards

First his web host dropped him, now Dutch parliamentarian Geert Wilders has had his anti-Islamic film Fitna removed from London-based LiveLeak.com. Citing "threats to our staff of a very serious nature", LiveLeak.com took the film down after only a day. And Dutch Prime Minister Jan Beter Balkanende is now bracing the country for "enormous consequences". This also comes after Pakistan blocked its citizens' access to YouTube because clips from the film could be seen there. Wilders has been painted as some kind of racist right-wing nut, but isn't the very fact that an entire community of crazies can have their way by making death threats cause for alarm? If the world keeps caving to this kind of terrorism, what does that mean for free speech? It seems people tend to love the idea of liberty only until they might have to defend it with their lives. Anyway, here's the film courtesy (for now) of YouTube:

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bigfoot Diddles Kids

That's according to recently-arrested child molester and Bigfoot bait Gene Morrill, who told investigators he was molested as a boy by the legendary 10-foot-tall creature. Prosecutors believe this is part of some kind of lame insanity defense, though his lawyer claims Morrill actually believes this happened. But has anyone considered maybe it really did? Maybe the reason Bigfoot only appears in grainy photographs taken by rednecks is because he's really a camera shy Internet predator. Imagine one day turning on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" and seeing the orange-haired mythical primate sitting on a stool in a suburban kitchen, explaining to Chris Hansen how it's all a big misunderstanding. Read more here.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

India to Blackberry: Let us Snoop or Else

The government of India has issued a stiff warning to Research in Motion, the Blackberry service provider in that country: Open the network for government snooping within 15 days, or face a ban. According to Telecom Minister A Raja, the "security of the nation is of paramount concern and this will not be sacrificed at any cost." Many of you may be wondering how the enlightened tech-savvy country that brought us the lovable baby Ganesha and the no-kissing-in-movies law might also have a government snooping program? Isn't that the sort of sinister Orwellian nonsense that crappy countries like Iran and China partake in? What gives, India? Read more fun (in broken English) here.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Praying Dog

This is probably supposed to be one of those cute animal stories they shoehorn into the end of the six o'clock news to cleanse the palate of all the sex and war, but I think there's something a little more interesting going on here. Conan, a one and a half year old Chihuahua in Naha, Japan, has taken to mimicking his master's prayers at the local Buddhist temple. Before his morning and evening meals, the adorable little pooch stands up on his hind legs and puts his front paws together at the altar. Of course, this story turns from sweet to creepy when you realize that this kind of blind pantomime is precisely how children grow up to mirror their parents' religion. Still, little Conan is far cuter than any drowsy, drooling kid in a pew. More details here.

Evil Eye Plucked

Pedro Nunez Alvarez's father killed himself. Ruling out any chemical or psychological causes like severe depression, Alvarez and a couple of his relatives got together and murdered 28-year-old Lucas Dominguez for causing the man's suicide with an "evil eye" spell. Oh, and this just happened in present-day Mexico. It seems Dominguez made his living practicing witchcraft (and Lou Dobbs nods in approval that he didn't take the job of an American witch), and the Alvarez clan feared that he might cast other spells on their family. According to them, they stabbed Dominguez seven times and crushed his skull with a rock in self-defense. When they were caught, they were attempting to burn his body to "purify" it. Now who's practicing witchcraft? More details here.

Network Solutions: Cowards

Several weeks back, the Pakistani government screwed over most of southern Asia in an attempt to block its citizens from watching YouTube clips of Dutch parliamentarian Geert Wilders' documentary critital of Islam. Seen as a far-right politician, Wilders has been outspoken about the increasing tolerance in the Netherlands for radical, oppressive Muslim practices. Now, Wilders' American web host, Network Solutions, has dropped his website for "excessive use of services" after a rash of complaints from thin-skinned and murderous Muslims. It's scary to receive anonymous, grammatically abhorrent death threats via email, but that's no reason for an American company (or any country, for that matter) to cave in the face of free speech. Philosophically, the Bill of Rights should also apply to the Dutch. Still, now you know who not to use for your web hosting services. More details here.

Here Be Monsters

What is it about polar climates that breeds such huge creatures? You've got you polar bears, your woolly mammoths, your Dolph Lundgrens. And now a survey of New Zealand's Antarctic Ross Sea has turned up jellyfish with twelve-foot tentacles and two-foot-wide starfish. Such gigantism would be a mystery to scientists if they hadn't already explained it. Cold, oxygen rich water plus a lack of predators equals huge scary monsters. So Captain Nemo's penchant for the Indian Ocean wasn't just homesickness after all. More details here.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Ask an Amateur Scientist: Easter

In this special holiday edition of my weekly Pink Raygun column Ask an Amateur Scientist, I explore the historical origins of Easter traditions and wax nostalgic over the collectible frenzy of lenticular mayhem that was the early '90s comic book scene. Plus, there's discussion of boobies, blood, and torture porn. Join me, won't you? You can read all about it here.

Ghost Busting

Romanian police have wrapped up a vandalism investigation by concluding ghosts were to blame. People living in Lilieci have been reporting broken windows, knocked over cups, blown out candles, and bicycles flying through the air. Of course it couldn't have been that someone threw a bicycle through a window, creating a draft and extinguishing some candles. The plus side here is that the police won't have to fill out a bunch of pesky paperwork (they're just hiring an exorcist), and they can get back to fighting the real crime in Romania, which is mostly Dracula-related. More details here.

Pope is bin Laden's Bitch

In Osama bin Laden's latest single dropped the other day, and in this one, he's calling out the Pope like Tupac called out Biggie. The local Tora Bora celebrity says that Pope Benedict XVI (also known as Joey Ratz) has been part of a new European assault on Islam. Instead of pausing in mid-Prada stride for a split second before issuing a phlegmy "fuck you" to the cave-bound terrorist, Ratzo instead took pains to placate bin Laden by responding with a "nuh uh" and going out of his way to remind the world that he too criticized the cartoons of Mohammed previously published in Danish newspapers. Which reminds me, why did the Pope criticize those cartoons? Besides the fact that they weren't funny, of course. Congratulations, Pope. You're quite the bitch. More details here.

Crucifixion? Not So Good

We all want to emulate our heroes. I'm still working on fourteen simultaneous degrees in order to be like my idol Buckaroo Banzai. But health officials in the Philippines are looking out for copycat worshipers this Good Friday. They've appealed to the nation's Roman Catholic faithful to please get a tetanus shot before nailing themselves to crosses, and for God's sake, sterilize those nails. This is an important step in the road toward the Philippines achieving the same health standards as other developed countries. However, I wonder if further steps should be taken to not only prevent severe infections and disease this Easter season, but to stop people from NAILING THEMSELVES TO BLOCKS OF FUCKING WOOD. More details here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Privacy Policy

This is our privacy policy, which explains what we do and don't do with information we collect from our web visitors. It's a pretty standard web document which most people never read. But, just in case we face a lawsuit down the road, it pays to be able to say we had this page up. The long and short of it is that we're decent people that will respect your privacy to the best of our abilties. No one likes junk emails, so we aren't going to sell any of your personal information which we might find ourselves in possession of (which its unlikely we will even have said information in the first place).

If you would still like to read the fine print, we present to you our Privacy Policy. Enjoy:

What information do we collect?

We collect information from you when you contact our site or leave a comment. Our logging software will record your computer's IP address. This is for security, so that we can ban abusive users and hackers.

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California Online Privacy Protection Act Compliance

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Science-fiction writer and all-around loveable guy Arthur C. Clarke has died today at the age of 90. There are no more details at this time, but his is a life well worth celebrating. Somewhere a chimp is banging bones on the ground in despair.

Indian God Ganesha Reincarnates as a Baby with Severe Birth Defects

Residents of a rural village in India are hailing a 4-day-old baby girl as the reincarnation of Ganesha, the multi-armed Elephant god. The girl, or actually, girls, are conjoined twins which give the appearance of a single girl with four arms & legs, and two faces. The mother (seen in the above photograph, looking thrilled) named the girls after the Hindu goddess of wealth, who also has four arms. This has not deterred her neighbors from worshiping the child as Ganesha, however, asking for her many blessings and feeding her peanuts. Read more (and see more pictures) here.

Tarot Card Crime

The owners of suburban Chicago's boringly names Psychic Tarot Card Reading have been charged with defrauding customers of thousands of dollars. The unfortunate dupes were told they suffered from a severe case of psychic curse (it burns in your swimsuit area) that could only be healed by repeated and expensive psychic counseling. A crime, to be sure, but isn't the bottom line here that they lied to people in order to take their money? And if that's the case, isn't claiming any factual basis to your tarot card reading doing exactly the same thing? How is it not fraud when you collect fat wads of cash in exchange for telling people that the ace of cups says they're going to lead a life of great wealth and happiness? And why do I keep asking questions to which I will never receive an answer? More details here.

A Lot Less Mars

At the 39th Lunar and Planetary Science Conference in Houston this past week, NASA administrator Dr. Mike Griffin laid out the space agency's plans for Mars in the coming years, and they aren't too pretty. Sure we'll be sending a couple of rovers to roll around the place, but due to large budget cuts, NASA is refocusing its efforts from Mars exploration to robotic missions to the outer planets and Jupiter's moons. For years NASA has suffered under the weight of public disinterest. Little remote control cars trying to roll up the lip of a crater are cute and all, but where are the grizzled test pilots strapping themselves to rockets and exploring space like it's a hot girl's panties in the back seat of a Camaro? If NASA doesn't jack up the wow factor, I fear more and more funding will fly out the congressional window. More details here.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Obama's Crazy Albatross

UPDATE (3/14/08):
Obviously, Sen. Obama reads this site, because he's fired Jeremiah Wright from his campaign and denounced the crazed preacher's sermons. Since you're such a fan, Barack, might I send you a copy of my resume? I hear there's an opening on your African American Religious Leadership Committee. More details here.

Barack Obama should really hand in his membership card to the Trinity United Church of Christ. The man is obviously thoughtful enough that he doesn't need to lean on the crutch of religion, and the church's insane pastor, Jeremiah Wright, keeps dragging the poor senator into the morass of guilt by association. Obama has said that he doesn't agree with Wright's blitheringly idiotic racism, but he also maintains (like John McCain) that a candidate should be allowed to accept an endorsement from someone with whom they don't always agree. That's as may be, but now there's a video of Wright saying that black people should sing "God Damn America" instead of "God Bless America". And because of his association, Obama is forced to comment on it. Sadly, this seems like an instance where cowtowing to religion (any religion) may alienate as many voters as it's supposed to comfort. In all fairness, though, America hasn't been too kind to black people over the years. Wright's stupid phrasing aside, you can't live in the south all your life like I have and not have a clear understanding of how the mistreatment of blacks has literally crumbled our society. Obama should leave Wright to pray for an imaginary intervention from above and instead focus on solving these problems himself. More details here.

Space Seed

According to a new study soon to be published in the journal Meteoritics and Planetary Science (this month's centerfold: a chunk of icy rock), the evidence for the building blocks of life on Earth having arrived from space is mounting. Scientists have discovered levels of amino acids in two meteorites that are ten times higher than those found in other, similar meteorites. And as you know, amino acids make proteins, which eventually lead to us. And wombats. Could the ancient Sumerians have known of this startling fact and modeled their gods after the amino acids that seeded our planet with life? Find out in my upcoming book Petri Dishes of the Gods! More details here.

Das Islam

Germany's interior minister Wolfgang Schaeuble says that the country is working toward an agreement with Muslim leaders to set up classes on Islam in Germany's public schools. Religion classes have long been a requirement in German schools, with students previously able to choose courses on Catholicism, Protestantism, Judaism, or (as a non-religious alternative) ethics. Despite any concerns about the seperation of church and state, this isn't a bad idea on the surface. While a comparitive religions class would be preferable, nothing but good can come of students learning about different religions. The problem here would come from any kind of voluntary segregation of students into the classes of their own religions, sacrificing true education for some kind of religious jerkfest. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out, though I don't hold any hope that these classes will get into the hilariously ridiculous origins of any of these religions. And if you're interested in learning more about Islam, I recommend you read Why I Am Not a Muslim by Ibn Warraq. That's not the author's real name, of course, since using that would get him killed. Just one of modern Islam's terrifying truths. More details here.

Anti-Zionists Exposed

This has been on my mind ever since those reports of Ron Paul rallies erupting into Zionist-bashing sessions. One of the first 9/11 conspiracy theories out of the fever-riddled brains of those nuts who backed the Paul campaign had to do with the rumor that Israeli citizens in the World Trade Center were warned not to come into work the day of the attack. And there's a general feeling among the nation's tinfoil hat wearers that Israel somehow has its evil tentacles in the buttholes of our government leaders. Now the State Department has put together a report detailing the transformation of anti-Zionism into a new kind of antisemitism. Criticism of Israel's national policies has turned into a blanket portrayal of the Israeli state as some kind of hand-wringing mastermind of world affairs. It's fine and appropriate to criticize Israel's occupation of the West Bank or anything else the government does, but when people begin using anti-Zionism as a front for their own cartoonish vision of Jews as the secret rulers of the world, they suddenly turn from being smart contrarians to racist nutbags. More details here.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Ask an Amateur Scientist: What's Your Sign? Design

In this week's edition of my PinkRaygun.com column Ask an Amateur Scientist, I unload a journalistic bombshell by releasing the transcript of a secretly recorded meeting between producers and executives at Home and Garden Television about their astrological home decorating show What's Your Sign? Design. There is much talk of whores and the eating of virgins' hearts. Read it, won't you? It's available here.

Blinded by the Virgin Mary

At least 50 people in and around Thiruvananthapuram, India have lost their sight due to staring at the sun in search of a vision of the Virgin Mary. The local health department has installed a sign warning of retinal burns at the site of the original supposed miracle, and the local churches have denounced the visions as cases of mistaken identity--mostly because it's really dangerous to shove a communion wafer into the mouth of a person who can't see your hand. Who knew the Virgin Mary was such a dirty prankster. She should really be in the next Jackass movie. And some of these newly blinded folks should get to selling their burned retinas on eBay. More details here.

Blair Witch Gnome

Last October, two railroad workers in Buenos Aires claimed to have seen a "strange and tiny" figure that threw stones at them before running away, leaving a vapor trail in its wake. Now we have a cell phone video shot by a teenager in a small Argentinian town supposedly showing the evil gnome in motion. I have to admit, it's decidedly creepy. Though I wonder why the gnome only appears at the end of the video and why these kids didn't keep shooting. Assuming it isn't a hoax (which it probably is), kudos to the bored midget who decided to terrify a nation by donning a pointy hat and walking funny at night. Watch the video here:

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Seven (More) Deadly Sins

You can't say the Vatican hasn't put forth an effort to keep up with our changing times. First they set up the official Vatican website, then they elected a pope whose Prada loafers just scream "thoroughly modern man". And this week they've released a new batch of deadly sins for our hustle and bustle world. Riding on Al Gore's ever-expanding coattails (global warming is, after all, the new Pogz), pollution is now considered an offence to God by the Catholic Church. What'll also get you a broadband connection straight to hell? Genetic engineering (so long, Botswana and your life-giving crops), obscene riches (since when is the Vatican not gilded?), taking drugs (but that's the only thing that kept John Paul II sort of living), abortion (but not throwing yourself down the stairs), social injustice (hell will soon be full of Chinese), and pedophilia (uncomfortable cough). More details here.

Dirty Teen Sex

A new study from the CDC had found that about 25% of all teenage girls carry an STD. Before Lance Armstrong goes to the bathroom to frantically wash the clap off his junk, he should know that by far the most common STD found is the HPV virus, which can lead to cervical cancer in women but is mostly harmless for men. And while the religious nutbags will be decrying the moral decay of our nation's young women (after all, none of those people ever got laid as teenagers), this should be a wakeup call to every parent who's on the fence about getting her daughter the HPV vaccine. Even if your insurance doesn't cover it, it's worth the money knowing that your daughter won't contract cancer from Lance Armstrong. More details here.

The Terror of the Gays

At a private party, Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern (R -- as if you had to guess) recently stated that the gay agenda is destroying America, that gays are "going after 2-year-olds," and, interestingly, "Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than a few decades." While it's true that the noble peoples of Gaydonia and Buttlovistan were destroyed only 10 years after their founding fathers first gang-banged them into existence, I'm pretty sure the ancient Greeks survived more than "a few decades." In fact, isn't Greece still around today? At any rate, Kern has refused to apologize and states she was only exercising her freedom of speech. Read more of the hilarity here.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Ron Paul No More

You may have missed this bit of news since Ron Paul is and always will be irrelevant to reality, but the little congressman from Texas ended his campaign last Thursday. Of course, that's what the mainstream media would have you believe. We all know that the CIA in cahoots with the New World Order conspired to bring down his campaign in an orchestrated demolition. Sure, the pundits and blowhards might say his chances of becoming president were squashed after a pathetic showing in every popular election to the point, but upon reviewing video footage, we can clearly see that it's utter craziness was carefully orchestrated to end in destruction. In short, Ron Paul's campaign was an inside job. More details here.

Clinton Paints it Black

So it looks like footage of Barack Obama used in a Hillary Clinton campaign ad was artificially darkened to make Obama look more black than he usually does. Of course, this is kind of subjective. The quality and tone of video footage can change drastically from generation to generation, and no one really knows where the Clinton ad clip was recorded or what it looked like before it was spliced in. But compared to other recordings of the same broadcast, the results are pretty striking. Why the Clinton campaign would think an even blacker black man would be frightening to the American people, I have no idea. I'm not going to endorse any presidential candidate here or go slinging undeserved mud, but Clinton's a racist and Obama deserves the Democratic nomination. More details here.

Druggy Drinking Water

So here's the short of it: the drinking water supplies of millions and Americans have tested positive for trace amounts of various pharmaceuticals--including antibiotics, anti-psychotics, pain medicine, and sex hormones. The AP conducted a large-scale investigation of the matter and found that drugs pass through our bodies, pass through waste treatment facilities, enter the water supply, and make it through the purification process for human consumption. Who knew the buggers were so durable? What they didn't find was any evidence that this is a problem. After all, these are tiny amounts of drugs we're talking about--not nearly enough to even qualify as a dose. But the AP article on the subject hints at vague future problems our bodies might possibly sustain from continued exposure to the pharmaceuticals. For example, the article mentions "disturbing" environmental health problems found in wildlife but doesn't actually say what those problems are or whether they've been linked to drug-laced water. More spotless reporting from the AP. Something is happening, and it may or may not kill you. More details here.

UPDATE 3/11/08:
Apparently the AP ate my words and have released a followup article detailing the damages these trace amounts of drugs have caused to exposed wildlife. Perhaps some of my above snark was unwarranted. Perhaps. You can read the new details here.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Psychedelic Moses

Benny Shanon, professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, can't possibly believe that Moses' reception of God's laws atop Mt. Sinai was a miraculous event of cosmic significance. After all, God's laws turned out to be a little bit trite (Really? Murder is wrong?) and the rest just demonstrated a 12-year-old's sense of self-centered jealousy (Why isn't everyone paying attention just to me?). But he also can't believe that despite any physical or historical evidence to back up the events of the Book of Exodus, the story of Moses can't possibly be a mere legend. So, for Shanon, that leaves only one option: Moses was totally baked, man. Shanon claims that the use of psychedelic drugs was common in the religious rituals of early Hebrews, and Moses' visions of burning bushes and God's ass (look it up) were probably just side-effects of the brown acid. Shanon backs up this claim by discussing his own religious visions while under the influence of drugs. Case closed, apparently. More details here.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Shake That Virus to Death

Physicist Otto Sankey and his team of sexy young students have discovered a new way to kill harmful viruses by shaking them to death. Through trial and error research to determine the resonant frequency of the satellite tobacco necrosis virus, the team was able to tune a laser to the same frequency and shake that thing until it begged for mercy. In practice, the technique is very similar to how a singer can break glass by matching its resonant frequency with her voice. Of course, no one wants to add insult to injury with any HIV patients, so we won't be bombarding them with arias or laser beams. But a virus-infected patient could theoretically be hooked up to a machine that would cycle through his blood and shake the hell out of any viruses it finds there. More details here.

ELF Quest

Three luxury model homes in a Seattle suburb were set on fire Monday by the Earth Liberation Front (NAMBLA), a loosely organized group of radical environmentalists and Phish enthusiasts who are just, like, sick of all the bullshit, man. Their point? To protest the builders' claims that these homes represented the top of the line in environmentally friendly construction, featuring recycled building materials and other expensive bells and whistles that feed the egos of people who can't wait to tell you how much they love their Prius. ELF left behind a sign that read, "Built green? Nope black!", demonstrating their cunning grasp of word usage and punctuation. Also, the fumes from the burning buildings choked the life out of any organism that happened to be flying by at the time. Success! More details here.

Scientology Success Story? No.

Jeff Conaway, former co-star of TV's Taxi and high school drama departments' Grease, has credited Scientology with helping him overcome his drug habit and once again focus on acting. Since appearing on VH1's "celebreality" (I just vomited a little bit of bile typing that word) show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Conaway has also lost 40 pounds. With his new svelte physique, mountains of Scientology books, and a daily in-home auditor provided by friend John Travolta, the sky's the limit for this talented thespian's career. So, to recap, he was in Grease, then Taxi, and now he's reenacting the darkest moments of his miserable existence on VH1. Thanks, Scientology? More details here.

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