Man in the Ultrasound

Parents Dawn Kelley and William Hickman have had six children already, so an ultrasound is pretty routine for them. But when they got the images back from their newest, still-baking baby, they were shocked to see not the squishy old man face of a normal human pupa, but the ghoulish visage of Michael Jackson. That's the image above. And before you say, "That doesn't really look like Michael Jackson to me", you should know that the couple confirmed the sighting with their six-year-old daughter, who saw the King of Pop immediately. And lest you think that they're just a bunch of M.J. maniacs in search of some wish fulfillment, I present you this quote from Mr. Hickman himself: "None of us are really Michael Jackson fans. I mean I like him, but we're not crazy about him or anything." So there. Still, the couple are thinking this might be a sign of special things to come for their unborn daughter. Says Miss Kelley, "It is my seventh child, and they say seven is a mythical number." It's true! No one's sure if the number seven even exists. Anyway, I don't see Michael Jackson in this picture. Maybe a severed human skull? Is there even a difference? And where does this sighting fall on the Michael Jackson Resurrection Index? More details here.

Scientology Going Down (Under)

Australian Senator Nick Xenophon has called for a parliamentary inquiry into the Church of Scientology, citing several allegations he's received in letters from former members of the cult. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says he'll consider the inquiry, since he shares the concerns of several other Australians over the cult's activities. And by "activities", we're not talking lawn darts or tetherball. Some of the allegations cited by Xenophon include incidents of beatings, imprisonment, forced abortions, and blackmail. The cult says this is all religious oppression, that no government has any right to look into what people say about them, and that former members are no more trustworthy than your whorish ex-wife. All reasonable arguments, I suppose, except that none of them are reasonable. Instead, they might have better luck questioning the terrestrialism of Senator Xenophon. This name is oddly similar to the cult's galactic nemesis, Lord Xenu. Could this all be part of Xenu's master plan to embody himself in human form and run for office in the Australian government? Just show us your birth certificate, Xenophon, and this will all go away. More details here.

Gay Doesn't Mean Child Molestor

The U.S. council of Catholic bishops commissioned a study into clergy sexual abuse by the John Jay College of Criminal Justice, and the early results confirm what non-homophobes have been thinking all along. Homosexuality in priests (or anyone else, for that matter) is not a predictor of pedophilia. Even though the majority of rape victims have been boys, the percentage of rapists who are also homosexuals isn't statistically significant. This is good news, since a huge number of ignorant people believe homosexuals (especially homosexual men) are prone to pedophilia, and that the priesthood offers a veritable boy buffet. As a result of this study, the church probably won't begin to consider homosexuality a factor in selecting priests. Another positive from this study? Incidents of clergy sexual abuse seem to be on a sharp decline since the mid '80s. Most of the current allegations are from decades old incidents. Hopefully all of this will help clear up the clergy's reputation. As awful as many Vatican policies are and as much damage as the church has done over the centuries, the fact is that most Catholic priests are very decent people who do good work for the community. Take any random program to clothe and house the poor in your city, and there's a good chance it's being sponsored by the local Catholic church. Pope Ratzo may be trying to roll back that kind of service in the interest of pinching pennies, and I've heard from more than a few priests who are upset about this. But that's another story. No matter how silly their beliefs or fashionably questionable their clothing, I'm all for the clergy moving past this sex abuse business and getting on with good deeds. After all, it's not like all the other religions don't have their fair share of pedophiles. More details here.

The Future of Evolution

LiveScience has just wrapped up a multi-part series on the future of human evolution, and the results don't look promising. While it seems that humans are still evolving despite the fact that we've conquered the food chain and created Cinnamon Toast Crunch, no serious evolutionary biologists believe we'll become the giant-headed robe-wearing psychic overlords of science fiction. Instead, our immediate evolution is more likely to be determined by our own genetic engineering and technological advancements. And if we ever venture into space, the diversity of extraterrestrial environments could also contribute to our changing species. Conspicuously absent from this article series, however, is any mention of our inevitable waterworld. Will generations spent aboard junk-strewn floating cities eventually lead Kevin Costner to grow gills? And will this benefit us when we're fighting Dennis Hopper's jet ski warriors? Answer me that, science. More details here.

Thanks for the Horrible Memories

Scientists at the University of Oxford have successfully written false memories in to the brains of flies using a laser beam. And just to show how cruel and sadistic they've become with their god-like powers, they decided to create memories of terrible danger rather than allow the flies to reminisce about a wonderful Caribbean vacation that never occurred. What a bunch of pricks. The scientists were able to identify just twelve neurons that controlled associative memories in the flies' brains. They added a receptor to each of these cells that would be activated by ATP trapped in a light-sensitive cage that could be dissolved with a laser blast. So, the laser unleashed the ATP, which activated the receptors to create a false memory associating a certain smell with danger. All of this barely makes sense to me, but I'm sure this will lead to some practical application down the road. I've always wanted a laser gun that could make people hate and fear me. Though I'm pretty sure if I just shot enough people with a regular gun, I'd eventually achieve the same goal. More details here.

Sexy Scientist

Many of you have probably seen the British TV series "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" either on the American cable channel Showtime or on whatever steam-powered device British people use to watch television. It's a good show, and it also features the luscious tits and lips of Billie Piper, better known to dorks like myself as Rose from "Doctor Who." But the show is actually based on a series of books, which were based on a blog by Belle de Jour, the pseudonym of an actual sex worker. "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" offers something a little different from the usual dirty prostitution stories in that it shows how a woman working as a prostitute of her own accord can actually provide a healthy, valuable, and fun service that's both vocationally and economically fulfilling. Also, Billie Piper's tits. And it turns out Belle de Jour isn't some filthy pimp in disguise trying to seduce a generation of impressionable young women into a life of sex slavery. She's a scientist named Brooke Magnanti, who worked as a prostitute while completing her Ph.D. Obviously, this only makes her sexier. More details here.

Ringodolia

Duke University researchers looking into the water repellent effects of leaves have accidentally captured the divine image of Beatles drummer and surprisingly hot wife haver Ringo Starr. Sure, there's some debate over the divinity of the revelation. Ringo's still alive, despite all those photos of him not wearing any shoes, but who's to say the subject of a divine image has to be dead? I'm pretty sure I saw Ben Kingsley's face in a grapefruit half one time, and there's no way you can convince me that wasn't a religious experience. Well, until the rot set in. However, there's absolutely no question that this is Ringo's visage, as any vaguely face-shaped reflection with a low set of bangs and a giant honker must surely be the world's luckiest mediocre drummer. More details here.