Kidswap

Can you put a price on the life of a child? I know I couldn't, but that's mostly because I think they're worthless. Seriously, try holding a conversation with one. They don't know anything. And forget about them having any kind of aesthetic point of view. But one Louisiana woman (pictured, sad to say) knows exactly what her children are worth: $175 and a cockatoo for the pair. And now she's been sentenced to fifteen months hard labor for human trafficking. According to her attorney, she was just trying to do the right thing by putting her kids (a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old) up for "adoption" instead of, say, throwing them into a city canal to be reared in the sewers by a gang of penguins. Plus, she really needed that $175 and a cockatoo. Have you seen those birds? They're adorable. More details here.

Your Head Asplode

When a 38-year-old Seattle woman found herself repeatedly woken up by the sound of an explosion, she didn't do either of the two things a reasonable person would be expected to do in such a situation. She didn't consult a doctor about what may be causing her auditory hallucinations, and neither did she run down her street waking up the neighbors and demanding they submit to a sniff-down by bomb dogs. No, she instead took to the internet, which is well known as a repository of un-not-distrue information. Using her complete lack of medical expertise, she determined she was suffering from exploding head syndrome, a little-understood condition that's not nearly as amazing as its name would suggest. It's thought that some people simply experience incredibly loud auditory hallucinations that wake them up in the middle of the night, possibly due to stress. These can take the form of car crashes, bombs going off, or just someone shouting your name really loudly. It's not known how many people suffer from exploding head syndrome, but the numbers are probably pretty negligible, since most of us aren't twitchy lunatics who never get any sleep. So, statistically speaking, if you think you're experiencing exploding head syndrome, it's probably more likely you're just being held prisoner in Guantanamo Bay. More details here.

Logogate

Some are very disturbed by the logo that now graces the new U.S. Missile Defense Agency website. And by "some", of course, I mean "idiots". Not only is the logo a blatant ripoff of the venerable seal of the LEGO Space Agency, but it's also rather O-shaped. I don't know if you realized, but President Obama's campaign logo was also O-shaped. Even more damning, his surname begins with an O. But that's just the tip of the rabbit hole, people, because the MDA logo also bears a striking resemblance to a Muslim star and crescent. Now, it's true that when viewed in semi-shadow, the earth itself appears crescent-shaped. And it's also true that the earth is almost never seen against anything other than a starry backdrop. But let me remind you that Barack HUSSEIN Obama is also...NOT a Muslim. Sometimes there are so many dots, you can't help but connect them. Of course, the government is seeking to downplay the truth by pointing out that this logo was used before Obama's presidential campaign even began. But that's just a smokescreen. And you know who uses smokescreens? That's right. James Bond. Who previously battled whom? Communists. Checkmate. More details here.

Flabs of Steel

As an avowed chubby chaser, I appreciate curves, especially on a woman. Extra weight usually serves only to enhance the uniquely feminine form, which I find aesthetically pleasing. However, it's important not to place fatness on too high a pedestal. If you're too big, you might endanger your own health, and there's nothing sexy about that. And if you think you might need to lose a few pounds, that's not always a bad idea. Most importantly, though, no matter how much lovable junk you have in your trunk, don't expect it to stop a bullet. But that's just the lesson a 35-year-old Florida woman took away after being accidentally shot in an Atlantic City bar by an unknown gunman. Luckily, she survived. Unfortunately, she now believes her love handles are what saved her life. "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet," she told reporters. Here's the thing: It may be true that her surplus flesh slowed this stray bullet down and kept her from receiving a mortal wound. But the sad fact is that the bigger you are, the harder you are to miss. More details here.

Fleece the Children

CBS News has been investigating Feed the Children, the Christian charity that tries to guilt you with TV ads showing fly-ridden hovels while you're watching Dancing with the Stars. Seems like there's a difference of opinion between Rev. Larry Jones, the charity's founder and spokesman, and the Board of Directors, led by Jones' daughter Larri Sue. Jones claims Larri Sue used charity money to pay for her lavish Los Angeles home and tried to cover up her own tax evasion. The Board and Larri Sue claim Jones and his wife are the real thieving liars, skimming money off the top of donations for themselves and bugging executive offices. Jones fired his daughter from the charity and all Board members who opposed him. A court ruling reinstated all of them, then Larri Sue fired her father. Then the Board claimed to find incest porn in Jones' office. Then Jones' claimed Board members sent around racist and sexually charged emails! And while all this is going down, there are serious questions as to whether or not Feed the Children is doing any charity work at all in Haiti, which it has claimed to be doing since the recent earthquake. But really, all my attention is focused on the incest porn v. racist emails conundrum. Assuming there's no kiddie stuff involved, is it worse to be into some family roleplaying or to be a dirty racist prick? I'd say the latter. But then again, I don't know from Christian morality. More details here.

The Birther State

You expect insanity out of certain state legislatures. The capitol buildings in Georgia, Florida, and South Carolina are full of the kinds of people who have rapture wills, for example. Who knew Arizona would elbow its way onto that list? Not content with being known as the go-to destination for tacky turquoise jewelry and sweat lodge manslaughter, Arizona is trying to forge its own crown as the birther state. Nearly half of its state legislators (all Republicans) have approved a bill that would force presidential candidates to prove their place of birth to the state before being allowed on the ballot. This is because they're pretty sure Barack Obama's parents entered into a secret conspiracy with Hawaiian hospitals and newspapers to create the false impression that the President was born on U.S. soil. There's no evidence for this, of course, but there's also no evidence that Arizona is a place you'd ever want to visit, despite what its tourism board would have you believe. The bill's sponsor, State Rep. Judy Burges, says this is no different than an employer demanding to see a job applicant's birth certificate. But the thing is, almost no employers do that. And the ones that do are almost always baby footprint fetishists. More details here.

Babybot

Engineers at UC San Diego's Machine Perception Laboratory have created this robot to simulate the motor skills and development of a human one-year-old. It can hold a bottle and stand up in a chair. Oh, and it also has a humorously large head. Well, it's either humorous or nightmare-inducing, depending on your previous history with robot babies. I lean toward the former, though it should be noted that I've never been murdered by an infant automaton. So, why make the thing's head that big? Because its face had to be large enough to house the twenty moving parts that it uses to create expressions. How would we know when robot babies finally learn to hate if we can't see their grimaces? We wouldn't. That's how. More details here.