Adormination

Well, looks like we’ve laughed in the face of God and created a horrifying hybrid of a zebra and a donkey. This is the new Babel. Our hubris will spell our doom. More details here.

TruthiLeaks

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been all over the news lately in his capacity as the shadowy mastermind behind a massive document dump about the war in Afghanistan. Also, for his beloved role in the “Warlock” films. But while the U.S. government props up a human-sized box with a stick they’ve tied to a string and tries to figure out what they can put underneath to lure Assange into their trap (judging by his public appearances, not shampoo), many others have praised him for shining a light on a dire situation the regular media is either too disinterested or too incompetent to cover. Personally, I come out on the pro-Assange side, since more information is generally better than less information. Also, I love those “Warlock” movies. But there’s one group Assange hasn’t impressed: 9/11 truthers. Indeed, the truther websites are abuzz with condemnations of Assange for what they feel is proof that he’s just another corporate shill. Namely, they find it suspicious that in all his research, dumping, and leaking, there’s no evidence at all that the U.S. government caused 9/11. Which has the Warlock annoyed. “Any time people with power plan in secret, they are conducting a conspiracy. So there are conspiracies everywhere,” Assange said. “There are also crazed conspiracy theories. It's important not to confuse these two. Generally, when there's enough facts about a conspiracy we simply call this news. I'm constantly annoyed that people are distracted by false conspiracies such as 9/11, when all around we provide evidence of real conspiracies, for war or mass financial fraud.” And you know what happens when he gets annoyed? Deadly magicks. More details here.

I Can Never Forgive Them for Spelunking My Boy

While Arizona destroys its economy by scaring all brown people into taking their wallets out of state, Australia is taking an opposite yet no less foolish path. Bowing to pressure from so-called “Klingon scholars” from the U.S., the Jenolan Caves tourist attraction near Sydney will soon offer an audio tour in the fictional Klingon language. Let me be clear about this: I have nothing against actual Klingons. I don’t know any personally, but I’m sure they’re lovely creatures. If a little culturally homogeneous in a racially disturbing way. But Australia is asking for trouble by opening their borders to Klingon language enthusiasts who are themselves un-Klingon. I have some personal experience with these types, and the hygiene issues alone should put all of Australia’s airports on high alerts. SARS is nothing compared to the respiratory illnesses one can catch walking behind someone’s homemade battle armor. Plus, if all our Klingon impersonators flock to these caves, the world economy could collapse due to a sudden shortage of IT managers and electrical engineers. More details here.

Ramsey vs. Dictionary

There’s some tension between Muslims and Christians in the great state of Tennessee. Specifically, the Christians would prefer the Muslims left. But because of liberal propaganda like the Bill of Rights, U.S. citizens are free to practice whatever religion they choose. But Ron Ramsey (current Tennessee lieutenant governor, gubernatorial candidate, and gay porn star [ed. - different Ron Ramsey]) may have found a workaround. At a campaign event, Ramsey responded to one voter’s paranoid railings about a Muslim “invasion” by saying he’s not sure whether Islam qualifies for constitutional protection, since it may not be a religion. “You can even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, a way of life, or a cult,” he said. Good point. Religion is protected in this country, but no one has the right to be any kind of nationality they want. And they certainly don’t have a right to just go living “a way of life” all willy-nilly. At issue here is the proposed expansion of an Islamic community center in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, which some residents fear will become a terrorist training ground. That may or may not be true, but it’s almost certain that the center would be a main attraction for Murfreesboro youth, whose current free time is split between huffing model airplane glue and driving trucks into telephone poles. More details here.

Tony Toni Gone

BP CEO and part-time Michael Sheen impersonator Tony Hayward has finally been given the axe after generally handling one of the largest ecological disasters in human history like a 7-year-old reluctant to clean his room. Unfortunately, this axe is made of at least $1.6 million in severance pay, along with $17 million in accrued pension benefits. Plus, Hayward will still hold a position with BP as non-executive director of its Russian oil operations. In other words, this isn’t really an axe at all. More like a soft pat on the bottom. Still, it’s good to see that BP has replaced Hayward with an American, Robert Dudley. Perhaps future criminal hearings will go better without that smug British accent making everything the CEO says sound like evidence of criminal negligence. More details here.

The Fleeing Nuns

Two elderly French nuns, Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, are on the run after escaping their Riviera nunnery. The nuns were apparently upset that the Vatican planned to forcibly move them to a retirement community. Rather then allowing themselves to be left to rot in some old folks’ home, they decided to take their chances in the wild. It’s important for the people of France to know a thing or two about nun safety in case these ladies aren’t immediately trapped and returned to their owners. First of all, nuns are more scared of you than you are of them. If you find one has slipped through the doggy door in your kitchen, it’s best not to freak out. She’ll likely flee on sight, and you’ll only be out a couple of Pringles or so. But while they’re mostly docile, you should never corner one. Some nuns have filed their nails down to razor-sharp claws, and they’ll attack if threatened. Best to calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact. If possible, try and trap her behind a locked door and call your local authorities for pickup. Whatever you do, don’t feed them. At heart, nuns are wild creatures who make terrible pets. More details here.

In Lew of Working

President Obama has nominated Jack Lew to run the White House Office of Management and Budget after departing director Peter Orszag. But it seems some are concerned Lew may not be the best fit for the job, since he refuses to work on the Sabbath. After sundown on Fridays, Lew sits at home and observes the strict orthodox Jewish tradition of doing absolutely nothing for twenty-four hours. Once, when Lew worked for Bill Clinton’s White House, he refused to answer a Saturday phone call from the president, as he believed himself prohibited from using electronic devices. His rabbi has since convinced him using the phone is okay in case of emergencies. But it’s worth noting that having a government official take a day to just cool his heels and do nothing might be a net positive for the country. Perhaps if our congress took a day each week to just sit and contemplate the tragedies of their existences, we might find ourselves with a more introspective, self-aware legislature. On the downside, though, a day of rest would probably wreak havoc on D.C.’s rentboy industry. More details here.