Space Seeds

Leave it to China to come up with creative solutions to any problem. No roof on the Olympic stadium? Let's try and control the weather! A thick blanket of choking pollution clogging the lungs of your citizens? Let's turn off the factories for a few days. People asking too many questions? Shoot them in the brain! These amazing innovators have a new outside-the-box solution to their food shortage problems. Don't grow more food; grow giant food! Turns out, seeds grown in space produce super-sized crops. After a few generations of careful selection, you've got yourself a viable supply of 210-pound pumpkins and 2-foot-long cucumbers. (Careful where you stick those.) Supposedly no one knows why space seeds produce giant plants, but I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Regardless, cucumbers! More details here.

Apocalyrt!

Our resident expert in Totally Overlapping Magisteria, Christian Walters, brings you this important announcement:

TOMA Headquarters interrupts your regularly scheduling living of your lives to warn you that the world is about to end! Nuclear war is going to break out on June 12, 2008. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Look on the bright side: all of you who play that celebrity dead pool game will tie for first. ABC News (motto: Of course we'll put you on television) brings us an interview with Yisrayl "Buffalo Bill" Hawkins, leader of the second House of Yahweh in Abilene, Texas. I don't know if a nickname like that adds to his credibility, but he's had a lot of experience in predicting the End. This is the third time since 2006, in fact. (Buffalo Bill embarrassed a whole bunch of Kenyans last time, who went into hiding, only to sheepishly come out when the bombs didn't drop.) He's vague on the details. But if earnestly believing counts for anything (which it does, according to Pentecostals), Bill really means it this time. Plus, he's in Abilene. A great aunt of mine used to live in Abilene, and they're very nice people. Apropos of nothing, Bill also got charged last month with bigamy. Dude has 30 wives. It's good to be the gibbering idiot cult leader. So we're doomed. Take preventative action. Hide in the fridge. Paint yourself white to deflect the blast. Repent. Rub a dead chicken. See you on the other side! Or Friday, whichever comes first.

IBM Builds Military Super Computer

A little Mom & Pop company called "International Business Machines" has constructed a new super computer for the US Military. The computer, known as Road Runner, is now the fastest computing device on the planet, capable of 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second (about 1 million calculations per nanosecond). Put in other terms, it is almost fast enough to run Windows Vista without crashing. The computer uses thousands of "Cell" chips, originally designed for use in the PlayStation 3. The military plans to use the computer to determine what happens in the first few moments of a nuclear blast. They will do this by exploding a nuclear bomb directly under the $133 million dollar machine. Such a waste. Read more about it here.

Does Race Really Exist?

by Richard Peacock

Lately I've been thinking more and more about the concept of race. You know, that cute little notion that human beings of one color are intrinsically different from human beings of another color. It's an idea that's been used to justify some pretty horrible things the world over for most of human history. But what is it? Does "race" have any scientific basis whatsoever? Perhaps a poem will solve this riddle...

"Does Race Really Exist?"

We all know the science
Of our DNA,
How the molecule is passed
From our parents one day.
In the form of a sperm
Or egg it may be,
If you're talking about Dad's
Or mom's haploid gametes.

So it kind of makes sense
In a logical way
That our race should be found
In our genes, or let's say
At least in our features.
So we can agree
That those I resemble
Are the same race as me.

And yet some will tell you
Race doesn't exist.
We're all the same species,
Say biologists,
And our perception of race
Is shaped with aplomb
By society's beliefs about
Which tribe we're from.

Skin color, it seems,
Is a response to the Sun,
To the ultra-violet light
And the harm that is done.
If it enters too deeply
Inside of our skin,
It denatures DNA,
Causing cancer within.

Yet it's required
For vitamin-D production,
Something we need
For our bodies to function,
And that takes place
Just under the skin,
So we need to allow
A little UV in.

Finding this balance
Can be very tough,
To block most UV light
Yet make sure it's enough
For the production of vitamins
That our bodies need.
So evolution found a way
To ensure we succeed.

Our skin color varies
Vertically on the globe
Based on how far
From the equator we go.
This is the balance
Of how much UV we block
Based on the average
Sunlight we stock.



Less sunlight reaches
The surface of Earth
In the South hemisphere
And also the North,
So skin must be lighter
To let UV in,
Or else they can't make
The "D" vitamin.

But at the equator,
Sunlight falls quite direct
And if skin wasn't darker,
Too much UV would be let
Into the cells of the
Inhabitants' skin.
So the saving trait there
Is dark melanin.



So, gentle readers,
I hope I've informed
On why it doesn't matter
With which color you're born.
Race doesn't exist
From a science POV,
It's just a construct
Of our society.
And the relative worth of a man
Can't be scored
By the phenotypic display
Of the pigment he's stored.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org

Cold Fusion Strikes Back

It's been derided as a far-fetched myth, but a recent demonstration of cold fusion in Japan has proven...not much, really. For those who don't know, cold fusion is the idea that it's possible to create nuclear fusion at room temperature, producing massive amounts of energy with almost no waste. Japanese physicist Yoshiaki Arata of Osaka University claims to have demonstrated it. The process he used is very involved and technical, but the results were rather underwhelming. It's possible that the cold fusion case has been cracked, but you have to wonder why Yoshiaki chose to introduce his groundbreaking discovery at a cheesy photo-op instead of publishing his results in a peer reviewed journal. Other scientists will try and duplicate the experiment, but I wouldn't hold out hope for this just yet. Now perpetual motion, on the other hand--that's some promising pseudoscience! More details here.

Sexy Swallows

Male New Jersey barn swallows with darker breast feathers are more sexually attractive to females of the same species. It's a sad but true fact illustrated in the popular saying "Once you go brown, you never fly around (because you're too busy having bird sex)." You know that saying. Anyway, scientists from Arizona State University wanted to know if sexual attractiveness could increase a male animal's testosterone levels. So they grabbed a few ugly, light-feathered barn swallows and scribbled on them with a black marker. The result? The newly darkened birds became sexual Adonises, and their testosterone production went up within a week. Might this explain why so many good looking guys are complete douchebags? Or as a permanently scarred triple amputee, am I just biased against them? More details here.

Spontaneous Combustion

No, the body can't suddenly burst into flames for no reason, despite what your junior high Strange Stories and Amazing Facts books will tell you. However, your body can burst into flames if you aren't careful where you walk. A young boy from Colorado Springs found this out the hard way when we strolled over a patch of coal waste from a nearby mine. Coal continually oxidizes, but out in the open, the heat is usually carried away by wind. No such luck in this case. The patch of quicksand-like coal dust had reached 800 degrees and ignited when the boy's feet disturbed it, badly burning him. Thankfully, the kid survived. Now how long do you think it'll be before the spontaneous human combustion crowd claims this as a hit? More details here.