Your Sunday Sermon - Final Sermon

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. It's with some sadness that I have to report to you that my cousin, Thaddeus, has passed away. As all of you know, he's been writing weekly sermons for this website. I found this last sermon among his belongings, and I think he would have wanted it published. For those of you wishing to send flowers, please send them to his church, they are having the service there. Thank you.
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Oh, my faithful flock. Oh, my supple sheep. It is I, your most humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And this will be my final sermon to you. Hold back your tears! Tears begone!! I am leaving you all to do what Jesus would do in my place. You see, the world is nearly full with hate, with violence, and with divisions even between family members. So I am going to do my part-- and bring even more hate and violence! Hallelujah!!

Now I know many of you have heard some say that Jesus stood for peace, for understanding. Devils begone!! For if we listen to the Horses' mouth, we will hear it softly whinny, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, " (Matthew 10:34-35). And then, if we stroke that horse's mane and give it a sugar cube, It will continue with: "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39)

And so my gentle readers, I have hammered my plowshare back into a sword, and plan to follow Jesus into the path of war, turning fathers against sons and mothers against daughters! Jesus' will be done! Wish me luck!!


-- Coroner's note: Thaddeus Peacock's body was found at a highway rest stop approximately 10 miles from his house. He died of an apparent heart attack while engaged in lewd acts with truckers. Based on the expression left on his face, the official cause of death was ruled "extreme happiness."

Your Sunday Sermon - Polyester

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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The 1970's. *shivers*. My friends, just thinking about that decade of devilish decadence makes my skin crawl. Hello again my faithful flock, it is I, your humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And if you live your life as wickedly as those from the 70's, you're going to "Burn, baby burn." Only your "disco inferno" won't be at a spicy Latin-themed dance club, it will be in the depths of Hell! Devils be gone!!

Now my friends, there are so many sinful things which came out of the 1970's. Cocaine abuse. Row v. Wade. Ben Affleck. But there is one thing so wicked and devilish that it is specifically condemned by that most definitive of fashion publications -- the Bible! Yes, friends, I speak of the fabric which was surely woven on the Devil's loom-- Polyester!

Polyester, for those who do not know, is a fabric made by weaving together several types of artificial (ie, evil) threads. And God Himself condemns this most heinous of actions. "'Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material." (Lev 19:19)

Oh friends! Give up not just your tacky polyester vests-- but also your fields where you have both corn and wheat planted, not to mention your half-dog, half-panda abominations! If I can give up those things, then anyone can.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - The Sun Goes Round the Earth

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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My friends, welcome once again to my gentle presence. Yes, that's it, come closer... closer still... closer... Devils be gone!! Ha! Got you. Yes, my flock of sheep, it is I, your humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And it is time once again for me to scare the bejesus into you!

This past Thursday, when I would normally be setting up hidden cameras in the local gym to look for signs of homoerotic pugilism, I was taken ill by a ghastly case of the squirts. Curse that yellowed egg salad from Mrs. Jefferson! As I sat atop my Lay-z-boy, I flipped through the local television channels, and happened upon a lie more ghastly than Mrs. Jefferson's insistence that egg salad is "supposed to be that color." I happened upon a daytime drama program titled: "As the World Turns"! It showed an image of the Earth, in spherical form, spinning out in space! Devils be gone!!

For as we all know, my fluffy followers, the Bible tells us that the world is not in motion at all, but is a stationary realm in which the Sun orbits it! Look here: "Tremble before him, all the earth! The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved." (1 Chron 16:30) and here: "The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises." (Ecc 1:5) It was on the validity of these most factual versus that, hundreds of years ago, the Catholic Church correctly concluded that the homosexual/witch (assumed) Galileo was so very wrong! Hallelujah!

Oh, my friends, I was so distressed by the hideous lies on my television screen, that I had to calm myself by watching the previous week's hidden locker camera footage again and again until my humors had returned to balance. Let this be a lesson to you, dear readers. Never believe the hideous lies spread by either that heretic Galileo, or that charlatan Mrs. Jefferson.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - Working Together

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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Hello again, my flock, it is I, your humble shepherd, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And I am in a sad state this week, my friends. A sad state. I began my Sunday morning as I usually do, by visiting the local mall to condemn the prostitutes/witches (presumed) readily found in Victoria's Secret and to buy a sticky bun, when I spied a sight which I knew God Himself would have wept to see-- I saw a group of construction workers working together to build a new Shakey's Pizza! Devils be gone!!

As fans of my semiweekly Godcast, "Romancing the Brimstone," will no doubt recall, God detests when people work together towards a common goal. He once spied another group of construction workers trying to build a grand tower in the desert... "But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. The LORD said, 'If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them'" (Gen 11:5-6). So, God confused their language and scattered the people all over the Earth, making sure they would never work together again (Gen 11:7-8). Hallelujah!

Friends, I know it takes just about all your efforts to shelter your children from the Godless, liberal influences of modern society-- with such un-Christian notions like "we should all do our parts and work together." Hogwash! The next time someone wants you to help them do something, do what I do: start speaking in a new, made-up language, and pretend you can't understand them. If they repeat their request, slap them in the face and run away. That's how I got out of jury duty.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - Lot, The Most Noble Man On Earth

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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Hello again, dear friends. It is I, your humble shepherd, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And I have come once again to lead my flock away from the fields of temptation, and into the corral of virtue. Today's lesson is taken from the most noble man in the Old Testament, Lot Lotterstein (last name assumed).

Now, many of you may remember from Sunday school class that Lot lived in Sodom, that damned and wicked city full of-- Sodomites!! Now, to be fair, as a citizen of Sodom, Lot was a Sodomite too. But since God chose to spare him, we know he was the most upstanding person there, who would never sink to the depravity of his fellow townsmen.

Why, when the town folk demanded he surrender two of his male house guests (who just happened to be angles), the brave and noble Lot offered instead his two daughters, hoping that the mob would rather rape them instead of his male house guests. Just look at the gracious tone he used to ward off the rape gang at his door: "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." (Gen 19:8). What a host!

But Lot's honor and nobility does not end there, dear readers! For after escaping the sexual perversions of the city of Sodom, Lot and his two surviving daughters took refuge in a nearby cave. So naturally, that night, the two daughters got their father drunk and had sex with him. "And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." (Gen 19:34-36). Now you may ask, how does this prove Lot was an honorable man? Easy, dear reader. By impregnating both his daughters, just days after escaping a city destroyed for its sexual perversions, he was simply trying to remind them of why they left. Hallelujah!

Well, my sheeplings, I must leave you now, but fret not! For I shall return next week, not unlike Lot's younger daughter, to become impregnated with your child-- of fellowship! Thaddeus Out.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - The Abomination

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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Oh, friends. Oh, my poor, poor friends. How your sins sadden me. Yes, it is I, your humble shepherd, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And you people make me sick! Devils be gone!!

I-- I'm sorry. I will try to contain myself. I know that not all of you are to blame. But you see, dear friends, as I walked this morning to a local nautically-themed restaurant (to check for signs of sailors in lust), I spied an entire room full of people committing an abomination! Yes, you guessed it. They were eating shrimp. Alas alack!

Alas, dear friends, because we know the truth, that the Lord our God views shrimp as an abomination. "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination." (Lev 11:10-11).

When I saw this lurid display, I ran to the bathroom (to vomit and check for signs of sailors in lust) and what did I glimpse in my periphery? A little boy-- eating oysters! Alas alack! For as the good book tells us, "And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you." (Deut 14:10). Oh, friends, I was so distraught, that by the time I made it to the bathroom, I hardly felt the energy to condemn what few sailors in lust I found there. Truly, this is a sad day for us all.

Now, I know some of you may have been taught that Jesus did away with dietary restrictions such as these. No doubt you were taught by homosexuals and sin-enthusiasts! Friends, please, heed the word of God, lest you become shrimp yourselves-- in the Lake of Fire!

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - The Real Ten Commandments

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. I'm so glad you could attend. Come inside, come inside. Yes, my gentle flock, it is I, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock, here again to let you graze on the soft green grass of Jesus. Hallelujah!

This week's sermon: The Real Ten Commandments. Now I know what some of you are saying right now, that you already know the Ten Commandments. That you should honor your parents, and not bear false witness. Devils be gone!! Those commandments were broken up by Moses, so the Lord gave him a new set! "And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest." (Ex 34:1)

And my friends, let me tell you now, these new commandments are even more logical and profound than the first. The first set were trash!! These commandments are the true wishes of God, and if we do not follow them, then we are no better than whores and/or Gypsies! Won't you read along here as I recite them to you:

#1: "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." (Ex 34:14) Praise Jealous, or Lord!
#2: "Thou shalt make thee no molten gods." (Ex 34:17) That thing with the calf really pissed him off.
#3: "The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread." (Ex: 34:18) Get me a glass of milk, my friends! Jealous commands I eat crackers for seven days straight!
#4: "All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty." (Ex 34:20) Sacrifice to Jealous your firstborn sons, my friends! I already have!
#5: "Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." (Ex 34:21) He follows His own advice!
#6: "And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks." (Ex 34:22) Observe it, heathens, observe it!
#7: "Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven," (Ex 34:25) God will knock that roll right out of your bloody hands! Praise Jealous!
#8: "neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning." (Ex: 34:25) That shit will get stale! Wrap it up!
#9: "The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God." (Ex: 24:26) More sacrifice anyone? More sacrifice everyone!

And now, the most profound of all the commandments, #10: "Thou shalt not boil a kid in his mother's milk." (Ex: 24:26) My friends, I am sick and tired of seeing our holiest of commandments broken on a daily basis. Why, I bet some of are you are boiling a baby goat in its mother's milk as we speak! Devils be gone!!

I hope, dear followers, that I, your humble shepherd, have steered you away from the false commandments today, and toward the true commandments. And I hope, too, that you will join me next week. Until then, if you boil a goat in its mothers milk, then Jealous help you.

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Your Sunday Sermon - Unicorns

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.
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Hello my friends. It is I, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock, your humble shepherd. Now, I know that some of my sheep have begun to stray the flock. I know that some have wandered away from the siren call of the Lord, and have dabbled with the dark arts of science and reason. This is why, my woolly wanderers, I have come to you today. I'm going to shave you naked and make a sweater for the Lord! Hallelujah!

This week's sermon: unicorns. Now, I know many of you "rational thinkers" like to believe there is no such thing as these majestic creatures. You want objective, concrete evidence. Devils be gone!! Now listen closely little black sheep, I'm about to give you three bags full-- of truth!

Unicorns most certainly exist! They are right there in the printed word of God. "God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn." (Numbers 23:22). "His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns." (Deut 33:17). "But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil." (Psalm 92:10). "And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness." (Isaiah 34:7). You see, dear friends? The unicorn's dust shall be made fat with fatness-- how much clearer can it be??

Now, some modern translations of the Bible (most likely written by witches and/or homosexuals) translate "unicorn" as "wild ox." Devils be gone!! The last time I checked, an ox has two horns, ugly nose hairs, and can't restore a woman's hymen by resting its head in her lap, as believed by medieval Europeans! Praise Jesus!

Well, that is all the time we have for today, my fuzzy followers. But join me again next Sunday, the Lord's day, for more of the truth revealed! Unicorns are real! Hallelujah!

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The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

How Computers Compute

by Richard Peacock

How Computers Compute

Unless you are some sort of psychic vampire currently reading my mind, you are enjoying this article on a computer. And if you are a psychic vampire, taste a little of this-- ha ha! That's right! I'm thinking about giving Henry Kissinger a sensual massage and there's nothing you can do about it!

But for the rest of you, you may be wondering just how it is that computers work. How does a chip made of plastic, metal, and ectoplasm perform mathematical operations and connect you to single women looking for a good time?

My silly old grandfather used to tell me that "fairies" used "magic" to construct computer chips. But, of course, every child must eventually grow up one day. So, as I got older and wiser, I began to wonder just how exactly did the fairies create electronics, and why did most of the world's fairies seem to live in Japan and Korea?



Computer chips (or "fairy squares") are composed of thousands, millions, billions, or even tens of transistors, all shrunk down to microscopic sizes using alien technology which the fairies acquired during their long struggle for independence/the right to own slaves. In fact, the first computer chips weren't chips at all, but large circuits made of several integrated transistors. It wasn't until the transistors became fruitful and multiplied did computers become truly powerful.

So what's the big freakin' deal with transistors?! Okay... first of all... calm down. Good. You see, Japanese engineers (ie, fairies in their larval stage) construct "logic gates" out of transistors, which let a chip send electricity down one pin or the other, based on some condition. If you string together logic gates in particular ways, you can create circuits to perform mathematical operations, which are at the heart of everything that happens in your computer; from doing taxes, to playing video games, to looking up amputee porn, it all boils down to chips in your computer doing math.

So what's next for computers? Some say quantum computing. Others say some kind of hamster-running-on-a-wheel based processor. But I believe the most likely course is that computers will remain exactly the same, both in power and in price, while fairies turn their attention to improving their newest invention: fleshlights.

Science Rocks is written by Richard Peacock, inventor of the communication satellite. He now lives in Sri Lanka where he ponders the riddles of this, and other worlds. Email him at richard@amateurscientist.org.

I am the Very Model of Biological Evolution

by Richard Peacock

Gilbert and Sullivan have taught me many things in my young life. They taught me to appreciate a snappy tune, for example. They taught me that pirates are actually far gayer than I previously thought. And they even taught me not to give dictatorial words to British tars, as they are ever ready for a knock-down blow. But they never taught me anything about evolution. Or what the hell a British tar is, for that matter.

So let me pick up the slack where G&S fell short. I present to you my version of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" as sung by a variety of life forms through the past three billion years of evolution. Enjoy!

I am the Very Model of Biological Evolution



(sung by a lone single-cell bacterium)

I am the very model for the start of life on planet Earth
Not animal or vegetable, but before you judge my worth
Consider how my genesis did not result from random chance,
But instead from other life all struggling for dominance.

If my genes are tough enough I'll outlive my competitors
And pass down my genetic traits just like did my progenitors
To my offspring who will survive far longer than the other cells
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!

(chorus of bacteria)

Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well-as-well!

(bacterium)

I only have one chromosome that forms a circle in my cell.
I haven't any ribosomes or membrane-surrounded organelles.
I'm not animal or vegetable, but before you judge my worth,
Recall that I'm the model for the start of life on planet Earth.

(chorus of bacteria)

He's not animal or vegetable, but before you judge his worth,
Recall that he's the model for the start of life on planet Earth!

CLICK HERE TO KEEP SINGING...

(sung by a female tetrapod* leaving the ocean for the first time)

I am the very first chordate to ever walk upon the beach.
I've been living in the shallow shore with food and safety within reach,
But it wasn't till I lost my gills that I could stand upon dry land.
I am the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!

With nothing that can hunt me now I can evolve to fill this niche.
For wherever there's a food supply life will adapt to eat the dish.
And of course the best survive to reproduce another day.
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA.

(chorus of tetrapods)

For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA,
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA,
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DN-DN-A.

(female tetrapod)

And even though I love the land and walking on my brand new legs,
The water's where I still must go to reproduce and to lay eggs,
But one day soon I will evolve to live always upon the land,
I am the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!

(chorus of tetrapods)

But one day soon she will evolve to live always upon the land,
She is the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!



(sung by a primitive mammal in the Jurassic period)

I am the very product of a 3-billion year long ancestry.
An endothermic quadrupedal live-birth-giving mammal is me,
I will survive the asteroid that soon extincts the dinosaurs,
'Cause while the world is cooling fast my fur and hair will keep me warm.

My body size helps emphasize I don't require a lot of food.
Tyrannosaur eats a ton or more, while I only need a pound or two.
This means of course in times of drought and famine I will do just fine,
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.

(chorus of primitive mammals)

While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time-a-time.

(primitive mammal)

With the dinos gone we're all alone with nothing left to hunt us now.
And all the niches opened up: the sea and air and on the ground.
Our new homes select for change and force us to diversify,
Forming all the furry life from bats to dogs to humankind!

(chorus of primitive mammals)

Our new homes select for change and force us to diversify,
Forming all the furry life from bats to dogs to humankind!

* It was once thought that ancient lung fish were the origin of land-dwelling tetrapods (four-legged animals), but new fossil discoveries have proven that some ancient fish were developing legs, arms and even hands long before they ever decided to go for a stroll on dry land. The picture is a recreation of Icthyostega, an intermediate fossil between fish and amphibians.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org.

Haiku, Youku, We all Ku for The Sun-Ku

by Richard Peacock

I used to believe the Sun was a 32-mile-wide disc which hovered over the Earth at an altitude of 3,000 miles. Of course, now I know that it's actually 45 miles wide. But lately I have been wondering: what else don't I know about the Sun? And, could I summarize that information into a form of 17th century Japanese poetry? Yes. Yes, I could.

Haiku, Youku, We all Ku for The Sun-Ku

The Earth is massive.
The organic residue
On the top is us.

But even the Earth
Is tiny next to the sun,
The source of all life.

Sol is truly huge,
And an almost perfect sphere,
A main sequence star.



It is in motion.
Sol orbits the galaxy
In cold, slow silence.*

We are dragged along
Like barnacles on a boat
Through the Milky Way.

He has completed
Only twenty five orbits
Since his ancient birth.

The surface of Sol
Is slowly getting hotter.
Earth will die in fire.

In one billion years
The oceans will boil away
And all life with cease.

After much longer,
Sol will become a giant.
Earth may be swallowed.



We will mourn the Earth,
As we watch with telescopes
From ships past Neptune.

Our ancestral home
Will then be forever gone
But we will endure.

*Actually, the Sun (and the entire solar system) orbits the galaxy at a speed of 220km (136 miles) per second. It takes about 250 million years to complete one circuit of the Milky Way, and around 1,440 years to travel one light year through space.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org.

Get to Know a Hominid: Part 2 - Paranthropus boisei

by Richard Peacock

Welcome to Part 2 of my thrilling Science Rocks series, Get to Know a Hominid. A few weeks ago you may have been thrilled and/or aroused by my coverage of Homo habilis. But for this week, we shall peek a little earlier in time at Paranthropus boisei (pronounced "boy-see-aye"), which is known to biologists as our grumpiest ancestor, as the following recreation demonstrates:



P. boisei lived mostly in woodland areas, rather than the jungles and dangerous "low-income" apartment buildings inhabited by his less civilized progenitors of genus Australopithecus. Because of his abnormally large flat teeth, it was long believed that P. boisei's diet consisted mostly of roots and nuts, earning him the nickname "Nutcracker Man." But we now know that he actually earned this nickname due to his sterling performance in the Russian ballet classic, The Nutcracker, in the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy. This is why some modern paleontologists refer to P. boisei as "sugar tits."

This ancestor to modern humans lived around two million years ago, and was sexually dimorphic. No, that doesn't mean he swung both ways. Lacking a tail, it would have been difficult to swing through trees while maintaining proper balance. Instead, sexual dimorphism refers to the fact that the males were larger than the females. Also, they were bisexual.

It was once believed that P. boisei was the first hominid to use stone tools. But modern research shows that P. boisei was simply the wacky neighbor of Australopithecus robustus, and as such was always borrowing his tools and never giving them back. He was also known to pop in on A. robustus unexpectedly and at inopportune times, often uttering his well-worn catch phase: "Sorry neighbor! My cranial capacity is only 89% that of H. habilis!"

Though he may have been annoying and his evolutionary line just sort of petered-out, we should never forget our friend and colleague, P. boisei.

Extra insight

Science Rocks is written by Richard Peacock, inventor of the communication satellite. He now lives in Sri Lanka where he ponders the riddles of this, and other worlds. Email him at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Fishy Love

by Richard Peacock

Sex change. Admit it, we've all thought about it: what would it be like to have our genitals surgically mutilated and sewn back together in the approximation of another gender's? Maybe we even have friends or family members who have gone through the expensive and painful surgery. But, unlike my uncle Samuel (or as she's now known, Samuelie), there are some species of coral reef fish which can change sex spontaneously, and without the disfiguring scars that alert guys you meet on the Internet to your recent past as a man.

You see, dear reader, Mother Nature is one freaky bitch. She wants her animals to get it on all the time, regardless of what's dangling between their ventral fins. To satisfy her unnatural cravings, she has come up with some pretty clever techniques to thwart God's laws of decency.

Take the cleaner wrasse for example. This fish typically lives in small groups of one male and several females, known as a harem (seriously). If the male dies or is otherwise removed from the group, the largest female will spontaneously change sex, become larger, change colors, and start shaving.

This happens because the presence of the male was actually suppressing the natural inclination of the females to change sex. Let me repeat that: the females want to change sex, and if removed from the presence of a male, they will.

But what about in the case of my aunt Samuelie, where a male animal becomes female? The most famous example of this is the friendly clownfish. You may remember him as the dad, Marlin, in the movie Finding Nemo. In the movie, Marlin's wife is killed, along with most of their eggs. He is then left to raise the one surviving egg, Nemo, all alone.

But if the plot of Finding Nemo happened in real life, Nemo's dad would have simply changed sex and started catting around with the other bachelor clown fish, leaving little Nemo to raise himself. Who's going to teach him about girls? Who's going to play catch with him using a pearl as a baseball? No one, that's who. No one.

But Mother Nature doesn't care about Nemo. And she doesn't care about the standards of decency that all civilized people agree upon. She only wants to you have crazy, absurd sex all the time, around the clock. And so do I.

Further Insight: Physiology of Sex-Change in Reef Fish

Science Rocks is written by Richard Peacock, inventor of the communication satellite. He now lives in Sri Lanka where he ponders the riddles of this, and other worlds. Email him at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Get to Know a Hominid: Part 1 - Homo habilis

by Richard Peacock

Greetings science fans! This is your old pal, Richard Peacock. You may remember me from such educational science poems as O Platypus! My Platypus! and, Sentencing the Heretic. But today I'd like to take a more serious, less rhyming look at the cool world of science in a new series I'm calling Science Rocks. And this week is a double-first: the first part of my multipart sub-series, Get to Know a Hominid. Enjoy!

Get to Know a Hominid - Part I - Homo habilis

Whether you believe that man evolved from apes, or that the giant flying ape god Bananas deposited humans on this planet nearly 300 years ago, there's no denying that Homo habilis was our coolest hominid ancestor.



H. habilis lived around 2 million years ago in what is now East Africa. He was shorter than us, had disproportionately long arms, and probably couldn't grasp our sophisticated sense of humor. In short, dear reader, he was a dumb-dumb. Or at least, he would certainly be classified as such by our standards, seeing that his brain was only half the size of ours.

And yet, H. habilis was the first hominid to make and use stone tools, hence his Latin name, "Handy Man," and his college nickname, "The Dudestir." But even though The Dudestir could make crude stone weapons (mostly out of flint stone... hey... The Flintstones... I just got it!), he was by no means a master hunter, and instead used his tools for scavenging and making crafts to sell at county fairs.

It has long been believed that H. habilis is a direct ancestor of H. erectus, which in turn is a direct ancestor of us. But findings in 2007 suggested that H. erectus instead shares a common link with H. habilis, and there is not a direct lineage. In fact, the two species co-existed for a time, and might have even fucked!*

Homo habilis may have been an ape-like dumb-dumb, but he was our ape-like dumb-dumb. So the next time you are at the zoo, and you happen to wander past the ape exhibit, don't just throw rocks and laugh. Instead, remember that our link with these gentle creatures is far stronger than you may have previously thought. Then throw the rocks. Science rocks.

Further insight: Wikipedia

*(But probably not)

Science Rocks is written by Richard Peacock, inventor of the communication satellite. He now lives in Sri Lanka where he ponders the riddles of this, and other worlds. Email him at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Sentencing the Heretic

by Richard Peacock

In 1633, the astronomer Galileo was ordered to stand trial before Pope Urban VIII on formal charges of heresy. His crime was proposing that the Earth moved around the Sun, and not the other way around. Since the Bible taught that the Earth was stationary and not in motion at all, this enraged the Church, which promptly convicted Galileo and sentenced him to house arrest. And, if the world was like a musical, this is just what his sentencing hearing might have sounded like.

Sentencing the Heretic

The year is 1633,
And you are Galileo Galilei,
You've been brought here by Church decree
To answer for your heresy!

Mad man! Devil! That's what we'll call you
Unless you change your tune.
How dare you scare us with these letters
Which spell the Church's doom?

This little idea of yours,
Where the Earth goes round the Sun,
Can't you see the fallacy?
Don't you see your argument's done?

For if this wan hypothesis
Were ever really proved,
Then the Bible would be wrong in Psalms,
Where "the Earth cannot be moved."



I will denote your telescope
Is quite a clever machine,
You've seen the moons of Jupiter
And even Saturn's rings*.

But despite that brilliant tinker toy,
You've incurred the Church's wrath.
For who are you to dare declare
That nature is based on Math?

How I pity you, Galilei,
You could have been our best.
But as you insist on your beliefs,
I must place you in house arrest.

Guards! Take away this stumbling block!
Banish him from these lands!
He has not in mind the thoughts of God,
But just the reasoning of man.

*Though Galileo was the first to observe Saturn's rings with his
rudimentary telescope, he believed they were moons rather than
planetary rings.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org.

Hello, Mr. Jellyfish

by Richard Peacock

Who doesn't love jellyfish? Communists. That's who. But we in the free countries of the Earth just love the little critters. We love watching their sleek bodies undulate as they swim. We love their playful personalities when they see passing boats. We love feeding them handfuls of anchovies at Sea World. Oh wait-- those are dolphins. Then what the hell are jellyfish? Perhaps this poem will educate me...

Hello, Mr. Jellyfish

Hello, Mr. Jellyfish.
I promise I won't bite.
I'd give you a kiss right on your crown
If not for your cnidocytes.
Those stinging cells
Surely help repel
Creatures that want to eat you.
But even still, I'll shake your hand
To prove I'm pleased to meet you.



Tell me, Dr. Jellinstein,
Could you prescribe a pill?
I just cannot concentrate
From the excitement that I feel.
Your morphology is just so cool,
I can't believe it's real.
And tell me how do you get so big
Eating just fish and little krill?

You start your life just like a plant,
Anchored to the ground,
But instead of flowers that you sprout,
You bud off free-swimming crowns!
And when those medusas fully mature,
They take themselves a wife,
But sadly after mating,
That's the end of their short life.*



The little baby that results
From their romantic night at sea,
Finds a spot on the sandy floor
And anchors for security.
So thus the cycle then repeats
For the little jelly children,
Which will one day swim and take a mate
Deep within the briny ocean.

Oh, Señora Gelatina,
How you tempt me with your polypoid stage.
But I shan't be taken in again
By your fickle, tentacled ways.
I shall have to be content
To admire you from afar.
Because you, my jellyfish of the seven seas,
Are grander than the grandest star (fish).

*While most jellyfish only live a couple months, there is one species, Turritopsis nutricula, that actually re-enters its younger polyp stage after reproducing, and repeats the cycle again. This effectively makes the species immortal. It is the only known case of an animal which can completely revert to a colonial, sexually immature stage from a mature solitary form.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org

Ode to the Eye

by Richard Peacock

Proponents of Intelligent Design use a lot of supercilious arguments against evolution, stating that, obviously, some adaptations are so complex that a supernatural being's design is the only explanation for its existence. This concept is referred to as "irreducible complexity" by ID-hero Michael Behe. One of his most commonly cited examples is the evolution of the eye, which, he claims, could have never evolved naturally because it's so complex. Of course, scientists know how the eye evolved, so I decided to detail it in this week's poem. Enjoy!

"Ode to the Eye"

Eye's evolution first begins in the Cambrian Explosion,
Though it was simply molecules which barely sensed effulgence.
Single-celled organisms used these proteins to detect
The surface of the ocean, for which direction to predilect.

When life became multi-celled, and continued to evolve,
The primitive proto-eye, too, developed right along.
The photosensitive proteins collected into light-detecting cells
Allowing basic shape discernment from the ocean's many perils.

Suddenly predators had a huge advantage when hunting for their prey,
So the prey were pressured to evolve an even better light-detecting way.
In biology, this scenario is termed an "evolutionary arms race"
As it speeds development of adaptations to many times its normal pace.

Very quickly true eyes evolved from these light-detecting cells,
Once they recessed into a pit to make them directional as well.
A clear covering over the top would one day become the lens,
But at the time it only served to keep precious fluids in.



The opening narrowed to a point, just like a pin-hole camera,
To project an image through the eye to what now we call the retina.
This gave prey the fine details of the dangers of their surroundings,
And predators the ability to hunt from distances astounding.

Some animals developed compound lenses to see in many directions,
While others moved their eyes with muscles to perform their inspections.
Spiders have eight simple eyes to solve the multi-directional problem,
While snail eyes sit on bending stalks to sense only basic movement.

The modern human eye's complexity leaves every scientist impressed,
But that doesn't mean it couldn't evolve through incremental steps.
And despite ID-proponents' claims that its complexity we cannot reduce,
Its evolution is easily traced from single-celled life to you.



The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org

Does Race Really Exist?

by Richard Peacock

Lately I've been thinking more and more about the concept of race. You know, that cute little notion that human beings of one color are intrinsically different from human beings of another color. It's an idea that's been used to justify some pretty horrible things the world over for most of human history. But what is it? Does "race" have any scientific basis whatsoever? Perhaps a poem will solve this riddle...

"Does Race Really Exist?"

We all know the science
Of our DNA,
How the molecule is passed
From our parents one day.
In the form of a sperm
Or egg it may be,
If you're talking about Dad's
Or mom's haploid gametes.

So it kind of makes sense
In a logical way
That our race should be found
In our genes, or let's say
At least in our features.
So we can agree
That those I resemble
Are the same race as me.

And yet some will tell you
Race doesn't exist.
We're all the same species,
Say biologists,
And our perception of race
Is shaped with aplomb
By society's beliefs about
Which tribe we're from.

Skin color, it seems,
Is a response to the Sun,
To the ultra-violet light
And the harm that is done.
If it enters too deeply
Inside of our skin,
It denatures DNA,
Causing cancer within.

Yet it's required
For vitamin-D production,
Something we need
For our bodies to function,
And that takes place
Just under the skin,
So we need to allow
A little UV in.

Finding this balance
Can be very tough,
To block most UV light
Yet make sure it's enough
For the production of vitamins
That our bodies need.
So evolution found a way
To ensure we succeed.

Our skin color varies
Vertically on the globe
Based on how far
From the equator we go.
This is the balance
Of how much UV we block
Based on the average
Sunlight we stock.



Less sunlight reaches
The surface of Earth
In the South hemisphere
And also the North,
So skin must be lighter
To let UV in,
Or else they can't make
The "D" vitamin.

But at the equator,
Sunlight falls quite direct
And if skin wasn't darker,
Too much UV would be let
Into the cells of the
Inhabitants' skin.
So the saving trait there
Is dark melanin.



So, gentle readers,
I hope I've informed
On why it doesn't matter
With which color you're born.
Race doesn't exist
From a science POV,
It's just a construct
Of our society.
And the relative worth of a man
Can't be scored
By the phenotypic display
Of the pigment he's stored.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org

Multi-Limericks

by Richard Peacock

Greetings Multiverse lovers (i.e., people who accidentally noticed this post)! Who doesn't love a dirty, filthy, bathroom-stall quality limerick? Okay, now how many of those people also love nerdy, vague, and hard-to-rhyme computer science themed limericks? If you fall into this narrow subset, then read on!

My first limerick is about Alan Turing, the father of modern computer science. Among is many contributions, he devised the "Turing Test," which tests whether or not a computer A.I. can fool a person into thinking he is chatting with a human being through a remote terminal.

"Alan Turing"

A mathematician named Turing professed:
"We should put computer AI to the test!
We'll have it converse
In diction (quite terse),
And ask, 'Was computer or human the best?'"

My second limerick remembers everyone's favorite ancient computer, the ENIAC (pronounced In-EE-Ack). It filled several rooms, used thousands of vacuum tubes, and took over 150,000 watts of electricity to run.

"ENIAC"

There once was a computer named ENIAC,
With stats that would give you a heart attack.
It took up 600 square feet,
But was Turing-Complete,
And programming required a brainiac.

Finally, a limerick about our little friend, the transistor. It's a super-cheap, super-fast, and super-small electronic component that replaced vacuum tubes in the 1950's. Your average modern computer has about 230 million of the little buggers on the CPU alone.

"The Transistor"

Vacuum tubes were all well and good,
But didn't switch as fast as they should,
So Bell Labs designed the transistor
(Vacuum tube's solid-state sister)
And made them as cheap as they could.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org

Oort Cloud, Be Proud!

by Richard Peacock

I was recently contacted by a Christian high-school student who was taught that comets were proof that the Universe is only about 6,000 years old. "How the hell does that make sense?" you may be asking yourself. Well, the young man explained, since comets have a short lifespan** (some for only a few thousand years), then wouldn't they have all vanished by now, if the universe is billions of years old? I wrote back about the Oort cloud, which is a vast field of chunks of material way out past Pluto, which periodically creates new comets. "How the hell does it do that?" you may be asking yourself again. I will now explain, through the art of poetry...

"Oort Cloud, Be Proud!"

Oort cloud, be proud
Of your cosmic contributions!
Hurling comets at our sun,
There to meet forlorn conclusions.

Comprised of chunks of rock and ice,
A swarm of messy debris
At least 2,000 AU's away,
Too far for us to see.

As our solar system moves through space,
You are perturbed by other stars'
Gravitational pulls and tugs,
Though they are very far.



And these little gravitational bumps
Dislodge the chunks from their positions,
And start them creeping towards the sun
On ten-thousand year long missions.

Though your total mass is somewhat small,
(Only five times the mass of Earth)
Your age is probably the same as ours:
5 billion years since your cosmic birth.

It's likely you're the one to blame
For our past global extinctions,
Brought on by comets from the sky
From your outer-solar secretions.



But without extinctions we would not have
Such diversity of life,
Caused by dying species leaving
Open niches full and rife.

New species then evolve
To fill the open niche,
Finding new requirements
That they then must adapt to meet.

So be proud, Oort cloud,
Of your determination and resolve,
For without your planet-killing-comets,
We might never have evolved.

** I wanted to add one more detail about the young man's question: he had been taught that all comets only survive for a few thousand years. This is incorrect. Only "short-term comets" melt away that quickly. Quick fun fact: The Hale-Bopp comet, whose sighting in 1997 prompted the Heaven's Gate cult members to all castrate and then kill themselves, was generated by the Oort cloud.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org