Resurrect Your Pets

Bernann McKinney loved her pit bull Booger. When she was being attacked by a gang of dogs (don't ask why) Booger came to her rescue. And in return for saving her life, she gave a South Korean laboratory $50,000 to return his. Times five. Yes, a company called RNL Bio arranged to have five clones of Booger created by scientists at Seoul National University, and they can do the same for your dead pet. McKinney, for her part, couldn't be happier. "Booger was my partner and my friend," she said. "They are perfectly the same as their daddy. I am in heaven here." Of course, Booger wasn't these clones' "daddy" so much as their "gene template", but the point is well taken. RNL Bio's CEO, Ra Jeong-Chan says he wants to branch out into cloning camels for rich people in the middle east. Because, for some reason, he apparently believes camels are the only animals middle easterners keep as pets. More details here.

God Hates Fag Haters

Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas hates fags. Everyone knows that. But he doesn't cotton to people hating him. Or, more specifically, he doesn't cotton to people expressing their hatred of him through arson. In a letter to his Attorney General's office, Phelps asked that a recent suspicious fire at his church be investigated as a hate crime, saying, "There is evidence that hatred of our religion was the motivation." The fire started in two outdoor trash cans and spread to a garage and a fence, allegedly causing $20,000 to $30,000 in damages. Some might say Phelps' hiding behind hate crime laws is hypocritical coming from someone whose entire existence revolves around his hatred of people with similar genitals enjoying each other physically. But that kind of easy criticism falls apart when you consider the fact that Phelps, horrible though he is, has always operated inside the law. However, it is hypocritical for someone to hide behind hate crime legislation when he once dressed like a cowboy-themed stripper and held up a sign opposing them. Actually, I can agree with his first position. Hate crime laws are absurd and redundant. What's the point of outlawing "hate" when things like "arson", "murder", and "assault" are already illegal? More details here. And listen to my interview with Phelps' son, who also hates fags, here.

The da Vinci Court

The Spanish Knights Templar are suing the Vatican for stripping them of their assets and tarnishing their good name. 700 years ago. Supposedly, Pope Clement V and King Philip IV of France conspired to destroy the Templars and steal their massive wealth in order to make up for the horrible financial losses suffered during the Crusades. But, of course, we all know that they really wanted to suppress the Templars' secret information about the extraterrestrial nature of Christ's blood, which they stored in a magentic ark under the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem. According to sources. The Spanish Templars are asking for a hundred billion euros in restitution, which, at current exchange rates, equates to about 746 trillion U.S. dollars. More details here.

Creature on Vacation

41-year-old Floridian Lloyd Deneau was vacationing in Lake Tahoe when he snapped a picture of what appears to be an amorphous blob of pixels, though it's also being called an alien, a leprechaun, and a baby bigfoot. None of these suggestions seems very likely. I admit that Lake Tahoe has some excellent destination spas, but why would an alien vacation there when it presumably has the whole wonders of the galaxy to explore. If I had a spaceship and wanted a relaxing time away from the day-to-day, I'd rent a cabin on the shores of the Horsehead Nebula. The leprechaun option doesn't make sense, since we all know they only leave Ireland to avoid being hunted by starving potato farmers. And baby bigfoot? Please. Zoologists have known for years that baby bigfeet don't leave their mothers' pouches until reaching adulthood. It's a little-known fact, but bigfeet are marsupials. See the picture yourself here.

Scotty Tries to Give Her More Power, Explodes

The private rocket, Falcon, exploded Saturday night on its way into space, destroying three experimental satellites and wasting millions of dollars. But more importantly, it also blew up Scotty's ashes. You heard me. James Doohan's ashes were aboard the rocket, destined to enter orbit and remain there for all of eternity, gently circling our tiny globe, ever observant as we sail the rivers of time, our mast pointed to the future. But now they're fused into a hunk of metal at the bottom of the ocean, most likely being shat upon by whales and giant squid. The rocket was the latest experiment by the privately funded company known as SpaceX, which was started by Elon Musk, the Internet millionaire who created the web site PayPal.com. The company has actually lost several rockets in the past couple years, and plans to keep sending more up until they finally get one into orbit. Here's hoping this new interest in private space businesses pans out. Read more here.

In Russia, There's no Such Thing as Sexual Harassment

A 22-year-old Russian woman has lost her case to become only the third woman in the history of the country to win a sexual harassment suit against a male employer after the judge ruled that "If we had no sexual harassment, we would have no children." According to the court, the woman's boss, who "demanded that female workers signalled to him with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table as soon as he gave the word", was simply ensuring the survival of the human species through sexual reproduction. According to a recent survey, 100% of female Russian professionals say they've been sexually harassed by their bosses. Yes, that's all of them. Of course, when the office cooler is filled with vodka, weird things can happen in the workplace. More details here.

What the Hell is the Montauk Monster???

A raccoon.