Coming Storm

As a resident of Louisiana, I have to put up with some pretty shitty elected officials. My governor, Bobby Jindal, is an idiot manchild hell-bent on destroying the state university system by sucking even more money out of its coffers than the massive federal stimulus funds he accepted after turning them down. And one of my U.S. senators, David Vitter, is a bloated, hateful ball of saliva-soaked partisan hackery. Also, he runs on a platform of family values even after he was caught whoring it up in New Orleans with prostitutes who may or may not have been paid to clean up after the messes he made in his diaper when engaging in his alleged adult baby fetish. But there does seem to be a light in Louisiana's political future. It's looking like Vitter's seat will be challenged by porn star Stormy Daniels. Not only does she embody the kind of no-nonsense ethics I look for in a politician, but she's also really, really funny. I can't find a clip online, but check her out in the special features on the "Pineapple Express" DVD where she goes toe-to-toe with comic genius Danny McBride. No, seriously. Do it. And afterward, read this statement she released to the press yesterday, in which she announces a stunning development in her senatorial campaign:

After months of careful deliberation and consult as to the true nature of my political affiliation I am ready today to declare that should I seek the office of US Senator from the great state of Louisiana that I will do so as a Republican.

While this decision has not been an easy one, recent events regarding Republican National Committee fundraising at Voyeur, an LA based lesbian bondage themed nightclub finally tipped the scales.

As I have said for well over a year, it is time that our government and our tax policy begin rewarding entrepreneurship and creativity again. It is time again to inspire positive risks and out-of-the-box thinking in the interest of growing a strong economy and a strong America.

For me, this spirit can be summed up in the RNC's investment of donor funds at Voyeur.

As someone who has worked extensively in both the club and film side of the Adult Entertainment Industry, I know from experience that a mere $1900 outlay at a club with the reputation of Voyeur is a clear indication of a frugal investment with a keen eye toward maximum return.

And I firmly believe that it is precisely this type of creative and calculated investing that we, as taxpaying Americans, should expect not only from our political parties but from our government. The American taxpayer deserves consistent conservatives who reject wasteful spending and unwarranted government intervention in the private sector.

As is the case with so many of my fellow Louisianans, I have been a registered Democrat throughout my life. But now I cannot help but recognize that over time my libertarian values regarding both money and sex and the legal use of one for the other is now best espoused by the Republican Party.

Looks like I'll be voting Republican this year.

Wiggle Room

The Catholic church isn't the only place that's plagued with pedophiles. Australia has its fair share as well. Maybe it's genetic. Aussies are, after all, fourth or fifth generation criminals. But no matter the reason, the government is striking back. Senator Nick Xenophon is proposing that as part of a new law meant to crack down on internet solicitation of underage sex, it should be illegal for an Australian adult to lie about his age to a child. On the surface, this doesn't seem too strange. There aren't many situations where it would be appropriate to lie to a child about your age. But critics have pointed out a couple of reasons why such a statute would be unnecessary at best. For one thing, it's already illegal for adults to woo children over the internet, so this new law would be redundant. And for another, the wording would technically make it illegal for adults to play childlike characters on children's TV programs like "The Wiggles". But I don't think that last point holds much water, since there's absolutely nothing appropriate about "The Wiggles". More details here.

Nuclear Shrinkage

On the campaign trail, President Obama promised to reform America's nuclear weapons programs with the ultimate goal of drastically reducing worldwide nuclear stockpiles. And unlike some of his other promises (closing Gitmo, letting gay soldiers not live a lie, allowing me to touch his beautiful abs just one more time), he seems to be hell-bent on keeping this one. The last couple of weeks have seen a new nonproliferation treaty with Russia, and the White House just announced new defense guidelines that limit the U.S.'s usage of nuclear weapons in retaliatory strikes. Specifically, we're no longer allowed to nuke the everloving shit out of non-nuclear countries in compliance with the international Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, even if those countries attack America with biological weapons. According to Obama, we live in a new age where huge nuclear stockpiles are an anachronism considering our greatest threats aren't massive national military forces so much as cave-dwelling psychopaths with expense accounts. However, our new policy does leave a loophole when dealing with Iran or North Korea. Because, you know, they're fucking crazy. And personally, I'm glad Obama's on the nonproliferation track. Though this means hack science fiction writers are going to have to get creative for their post-apocalypse scenarios. Instead of a nuclear wasteland, maybe our Mad Max protagonists can stoically make their way through a barren world that suddenly ran out of Wendy's Baconators? I don't know. There's got to be some kind of horrible thing that could kill us in droves. More details here.

Supergonorrhea

At an upcoming World Health Organization conference, Catherine Ison of Britain's Health Protection Agency will give a speech encouraging health experts to change the way they treat gonorrhea. According to Ison, many parts of the world have reported an upswing in antibiotic resistance in certain strains of the bacteria. To prevent it from becoming a multi-drug resistant superbug, she suggests doctors begin treating the infection with two different antibiotics simultaneously. Of course, gonorrhea is a preventable disease for anyone who uses protection when having sex, but a lot of people are apparently willing to undergo multiple antibiotic treatments and a little genital swelling if it means an infinitesimal increase in sexual sensitivity. That, or they've just never learned how to use a condom, since wasting sperm makes Jesus cry. Drug resistant gonorrhea strains have mostly been reported in southeast Asia and southern Africa, so it might be wise for those who plan to have sex in those regions to settle for lightly humping their partners while encased in a Glad bag. More details here.

Clearing the Air

A gentleman living in Santa Fe, New Mexico thought he'd found refuge from his electromagnetic radiation allergy when he moved into an isolated house at the end of a narrow street. But there were a few problems with his plan; the biggest of which is probably the fact that electromagnetism allergies don't exist. Also, you can't escape EM signals at the end of a deserted road, because they're literally flying through all of our heads at all times in the form of radio waves. Plus, a friend of his rented a house adjacent to his property, and she had the unmitigated gall to use a wireless router. Now, he's suing his friend for $530,000 in damages and an injunction to force her to shut off her Wi-Fi network. He says her internet use has caused him to experience nausea, vertigo, body aches, dizziness, and even a heart arrhythmia. And he has a doctor who backs up his allergy claims. Of course, this doctor specializes in "environmental medicine," which is like regular medicine in almost every way other than being based on reality. But I think this man's biggest mistake is in publicly discussing his special weakness. Now all of his nemeses know that they can render him helpless simply by pointing at him with an iPhone. More details here.

No Genes for You

A federal judge has ruled that biotech company Myriad Genetics can't patent human genes. I know what you're thinking. "Why the fuck was anyone ever allowed to patent a human gene?" Well, it's because not everyone's a dirty communist like you. See, Myriad and other companies have been filing patents on genes they've isolated and "purified" so that they can license medical research on those genes. In this particular case, Myriad patented the genes BRCA1 and BRCA2, which have been linked to breast and ovarian cancer. So anyone looking to develop new treatments for these cancers based on research involving these genes would have to give Myriad some money. Everybody wins. Well, except for future cancer patients who would like that research done cheaply, openly, and quickly. But they're probably communists, too. Myriad is, of course, appealing the ruling, since it goes against the current patent law. It's likely this case will end up in the Supreme Court, which has previously ruled in favor allowing patents on genes. It'll be up to the ACLU and others who are suing Myriad to show that the genes being patented aren't significantly different than those occurring in nature. And it'll be up to the godless communists to whine about putting scientific freedom and basic human decency before making a few bucks off the helpless. Whiners. More details here.

Standing Up for Idiocy

Lieutenant Colonel Terry Lakin is a U.S. Army physician with eighteen years of service under his belt. Well, for now. Lt. Col. Lakin may not keep his position much longer, since he's decided to disobey a deployment order to Afghanistan until President Obama produces his birth certificate. Lakin believes any order coming from a military with Obama as commander-in-chief is potentially illegal unless Obama can prove he's qualified to be president as a natural born citizen. But the chances that Obama is a foreign impostor seem pretty slim. Partly because Obama has already produced his Hawaii birth certificate and partly because any coverup of Obama's foreigner status would have to involve the Hawaii state government, Obama's parents, all of the mainstream media, and (I'm assuming) the Moonies. However, it is the duty of all military personnel to refuse orders they believe are illegal. But it's also their duty to know enough about reality to discern an illegal order from a legal one. More details here.