In Russia, UFOs Ogle YOU!

Here's footage reportedly of a pyramid-shaped UFO hovering above the Kremlin. There are two clips; one taken in daylight and the other at night. Anonymous witnesses say the object was as much as a mile wide and hovered over Red Square for hours. If that's the case, you might wonder why there's not more footage from every single person in Moscow with access to a camera. But you'd be forgetting the simple fact that sights like this are not at all uncommon in a land where futuristic supermen like Vladimir Putin can both assassinate dissidents and lift entire mountains WITH HIS MIND.

Paulnetism

Look, I don't know if Republican/Libertarian congressional representative Ron Paul is a racist 9/11 conspiracy theorist. I've never spoken to the man, and nothing I've found in his trash has proven even remotely incriminating. (Well, except for this positive pregnancy test. Care to make an announcement, Dr. Paul?) But I do know that Paul seems to attract unwashed trust fund baby Truthers and white supremacists like nobody's business. Let's call this phenomenon Paulnetism. And it appears to be genetic. Paul's son, Rand Paul (named after author, philosopher, and FUCKING CULT LEADER Ayn Rand), has Paulnetically attracted his very own racist in the form of campaign spokesperson Chris Hightower. Make that former campaign spokesperson Chris Hightower, actually. It seems Hightower, in addition to having played in a hairtastic black metal band, has a MySpace blog all about his hilarious adventures offending black people (or as he calls them, "Afro-Americans") at Walmart with his KKK hoodie. Better yet, a MySpace buddy of his had a comment left on Hightower's page for two years wishing him a "HAPPY NIGGER DAY!!!" on January 19th, known throughout Paul's home state of Texas as Confederate Memorial Day. Obviously this kind of association looks bad for someone running for a U.S. senate seat, so Rand had to cut Hightower loose. I'm assuming this was just as difficult for him as it was for his father to fire whoever wrote all those antisemitic things in his official newsletter. More details here.

Orson Welles Layin' it Down

No one could lay it down quite like Orson Welles. Well, unless you're talking about a salad bowl full of chili. He was a fat man, you see, and this is a source of great mirth. Anyway, here he is talking about cold reading.

Dad Dancing

Why does your dad dance like a jackass? According to researchers at the University of Hertfordshire, it's because of science. Specifically, the science of evolution, which may plant a dancing handicap in the subconscious minds of older men so they won't attract hot young ladies with their sexy moves. It seems dancing well is a sign of heightened testosterone levels and sexual fertility in younger men. But as they get older, their coordination and confidence levels fall. This may be a proactive way to warn potential sex partners that they might be better off looking for a younger mate. It's true that older men can still get it on like nobody's business (see: Abe Vigoda), but they're often too hampered with familial and social obligations to make good sperm donors. In fact, their continuing attraction to women make make their dancing even worse, since they're still awkward around hot ladies. Or, this could all be bunk. After all, it's pretty difficult to pop it or lock it with any grace when you're nearly crippled by arthritis. More details here.

Ladies vs. Nerds

According to both a new University of Washington study and everything you know about the human species, women are turned off by big old dorks. And since so many computer science majors are big old dorks, there's a shrinking percentage of women entering the field. Research subjects were sent into a computer lab and asked about their impressions of computer science. When the lab was decked out with "Star Trek" memorabilia, soda garbage, and other geeky bric-a-brac, women generally expressed a more negative opinion of computer science than men. Then the lab was decorated with nature posters, dictionaries, and coffee mugs, there was no difference in gender opinion among the research subjects. The psychologists who designed the study think that there's a masculine cultural stigma associated with geekdom, which makes women feel out of place. That may be true, but it's also reasonable to assume that geek symbols are negatively associated with the kinds of socially handicapped, condescending, unhygienic dorks that no one wants to associate with. Geeky TV shows, movies, and books could do a better job trying to appeal to women, but so could the guy who wipes his clammy palm on his "Last Starfighter" t-shirt before shaking a woman's hand. Sure, these are gross stereotypes, but even the grossest stereotypes are sometimes rooted in truth. For instance, most Scottish people do, in fact, eat nothing but barley-stuffed sheep stomachs. Yeah, I went there. More details here.

Restless Genital Syndrome

I know what you're thinking. "Maybe I have Restless Genital Syndrome. My cock twitches every which way!" Well, Restless Genital Syndrome isn't what you think it is. And for the love of God, get a doctor to look at that cock! RGS is actually a persistent state of arousal that can be caused by nerve damage. New Mexican Joleen Baughman has it. A car accident damaged a nerve in her pelvis and now she can barely move without getting turned on. But lest you think this is some kind of super sex hero origin story, you should know that Baughman sees her restless genitals as more of a curse than a blessing. After all, there's only so much sex your body can take. Let alone your partner's. But although I sympathize with such a distracting and embarrassing condition, I can't help but wonder if it's not as bad as she's making it out to be. Before her sex drive exploded, she says she had "practically no sex drive at all." I might think differently if I were in her genitals, but speaking as a man who's been aroused pretty much non-stop from the age of twelve or so, I can safely say I've learned to adapt. Pro tip: If you ever want to concentrate on anything, Mrs. Baughman, I'd suggest avoiding vibrating public transportation seats, episodes of "Mad Men", and corduroy pants. More details here.

Whores vs. Gigolos

While female prostitution has been legal in Nevada for a while now, it's taken until this month for men to get in on the lucrative sex trade. Well, aside from working as pimps, that is. State health officials have approved an official STD examine regimen for man-whores, and one brothel owner plans to start hiring them within the next few weeks. But not everyone is happy about this idea. And no, it's not just the repressed Mormon businessmen who think legalizing male prostitution will take all the thrill out of it. George Flint, a former minister, wedding chapel owner, and lobbyist for the brothel industry, thinks male prostitution is just icky and shouldn't be allowed. "We've worked hard for years to make the traditional brothel business in this state socially acceptable an something we can be proud of that most Nevadans accept," he said. "It was inevitable with Pearl Harbor we'd have a problem there someday, and we've known this would be a problem, too." Yes, paying to have your orifices stuffed with some rock-hard, state-approved cock is exactly like the surprise Japanese kamikaze attack that killed American soldiers and prompted the U.S. to enter World War II. Mostly because both events would/have make/made terrible Ben Affleck movies. Though I wonder if this analogy isn't a bit of a logical stretch. Is Flint implying that we knew the Pearl Harbor attacks would eventually happen? Did he know they were going to happen and just not tell anyone? What are you trying to hide, George Flint? More details here.