Sunday, November 8, 2009

Your Sunday Sermon - Final Sermon

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. It's with some sadness that I have to report to you that my cousin, Thaddeus, has passed away. As all of you know, he's been writing weekly sermons for this website. I found this last sermon among his belongings, and I think he would have wanted it published. For those of you wishing to send flowers, please send them to his church, they are having the service there. Thank you.

Oh, my faithful flock. Oh, my supple sheep. It is I, your most humble shepherd, the reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And this will be my final sermon to you. Hold back your tears! Tears begone!! I am leaving you all to do what Jesus would do in my place. You see, the world is nearly full with hate, with violence, and with divisions even between family members. So I am going to do my part-- and bring even more hate and violence! Hallelujah!!

Now I know many of you have heard some say that Jesus stood for peace, for understanding. Devils begone!! For if we listen to the Horses' mouth, we will hear it softly whinny, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, " (Matthew 10:34-35). And then, if we stroke that horse's mane and give it a sugar cube, It will continue with: "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39)

And so my gentle readers, I have hammered my plowshare back into a sword, and plan to follow Jesus into the path of war, turning fathers against sons and mothers against daughters! Jesus' will be done! Wish me luck!!

-- Coroner's note: Thaddeus Peacock's body was found at a highway rest stop approximately 10 miles from his house. He died of an apparent heart attack while engaged in lewd acts with truckers. Based on the expression left on his face, the official cause of death was ruled "extreme happiness."