Adormination

Well, looks like we’ve laughed in the face of God and created a horrifying hybrid of a zebra and a donkey. This is the new Babel. Our hubris will spell our doom. More details here.

TruthiLeaks

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been all over the news lately in his capacity as the shadowy mastermind behind a massive document dump about the war in Afghanistan. Also, for his beloved role in the “Warlock” films. But while the U.S. government props up a human-sized box with a stick they’ve tied to a string and tries to figure out what they can put underneath to lure Assange into their trap (judging by his public appearances, not shampoo), many others have praised him for shining a light on a dire situation the regular media is either too disinterested or too incompetent to cover. Personally, I come out on the pro-Assange side, since more information is generally better than less information. Also, I love those “Warlock” movies. But there’s one group Assange hasn’t impressed: 9/11 truthers. Indeed, the truther websites are abuzz with condemnations of Assange for what they feel is proof that he’s just another corporate shill. Namely, they find it suspicious that in all his research, dumping, and leaking, there’s no evidence at all that the U.S. government caused 9/11. Which has the Warlock annoyed. “Any time people with power plan in secret, they are conducting a conspiracy. So there are conspiracies everywhere,” Assange said. “There are also crazed conspiracy theories. It's important not to confuse these two. Generally, when there's enough facts about a conspiracy we simply call this news. I'm constantly annoyed that people are distracted by false conspiracies such as 9/11, when all around we provide evidence of real conspiracies, for war or mass financial fraud.” And you know what happens when he gets annoyed? Deadly magicks. More details here.

I Can Never Forgive Them for Spelunking My Boy

While Arizona destroys its economy by scaring all brown people into taking their wallets out of state, Australia is taking an opposite yet no less foolish path. Bowing to pressure from so-called “Klingon scholars” from the U.S., the Jenolan Caves tourist attraction near Sydney will soon offer an audio tour in the fictional Klingon language. Let me be clear about this: I have nothing against actual Klingons. I don’t know any personally, but I’m sure they’re lovely creatures. If a little culturally homogeneous in a racially disturbing way. But Australia is asking for trouble by opening their borders to Klingon language enthusiasts who are themselves un-Klingon. I have some personal experience with these types, and the hygiene issues alone should put all of Australia’s airports on high alerts. SARS is nothing compared to the respiratory illnesses one can catch walking behind someone’s homemade battle armor. Plus, if all our Klingon impersonators flock to these caves, the world economy could collapse due to a sudden shortage of IT managers and electrical engineers. More details here.

Ramsey vs. Dictionary

There’s some tension between Muslims and Christians in the great state of Tennessee. Specifically, the Christians would prefer the Muslims left. But because of liberal propaganda like the Bill of Rights, U.S. citizens are free to practice whatever religion they choose. But Ron Ramsey (current Tennessee lieutenant governor, gubernatorial candidate, and gay porn star [ed. - different Ron Ramsey]) may have found a workaround. At a campaign event, Ramsey responded to one voter’s paranoid railings about a Muslim “invasion” by saying he’s not sure whether Islam qualifies for constitutional protection, since it may not be a religion. “You can even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, a way of life, or a cult,” he said. Good point. Religion is protected in this country, but no one has the right to be any kind of nationality they want. And they certainly don’t have a right to just go living “a way of life” all willy-nilly. At issue here is the proposed expansion of an Islamic community center in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, which some residents fear will become a terrorist training ground. That may or may not be true, but it’s almost certain that the center would be a main attraction for Murfreesboro youth, whose current free time is split between huffing model airplane glue and driving trucks into telephone poles. More details here.

Tony Toni Gone

BP CEO and part-time Michael Sheen impersonator Tony Hayward has finally been given the axe after generally handling one of the largest ecological disasters in human history like a 7-year-old reluctant to clean his room. Unfortunately, this axe is made of at least $1.6 million in severance pay, along with $17 million in accrued pension benefits. Plus, Hayward will still hold a position with BP as non-executive director of its Russian oil operations. In other words, this isn’t really an axe at all. More like a soft pat on the bottom. Still, it’s good to see that BP has replaced Hayward with an American, Robert Dudley. Perhaps future criminal hearings will go better without that smug British accent making everything the CEO says sound like evidence of criminal negligence. More details here.

The Fleeing Nuns

Two elderly French nuns, Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, are on the run after escaping their Riviera nunnery. The nuns were apparently upset that the Vatican planned to forcibly move them to a retirement community. Rather then allowing themselves to be left to rot in some old folks’ home, they decided to take their chances in the wild. It’s important for the people of France to know a thing or two about nun safety in case these ladies aren’t immediately trapped and returned to their owners. First of all, nuns are more scared of you than you are of them. If you find one has slipped through the doggy door in your kitchen, it’s best not to freak out. She’ll likely flee on sight, and you’ll only be out a couple of Pringles or so. But while they’re mostly docile, you should never corner one. Some nuns have filed their nails down to razor-sharp claws, and they’ll attack if threatened. Best to calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact. If possible, try and trap her behind a locked door and call your local authorities for pickup. Whatever you do, don’t feed them. At heart, nuns are wild creatures who make terrible pets. More details here.

In Lew of Working

President Obama has nominated Jack Lew to run the White House Office of Management and Budget after departing director Peter Orszag. But it seems some are concerned Lew may not be the best fit for the job, since he refuses to work on the Sabbath. After sundown on Fridays, Lew sits at home and observes the strict orthodox Jewish tradition of doing absolutely nothing for twenty-four hours. Once, when Lew worked for Bill Clinton’s White House, he refused to answer a Saturday phone call from the president, as he believed himself prohibited from using electronic devices. His rabbi has since convinced him using the phone is okay in case of emergencies. But it’s worth noting that having a government official take a day to just cool his heels and do nothing might be a net positive for the country. Perhaps if our congress took a day each week to just sit and contemplate the tragedies of their existences, we might find ourselves with a more introspective, self-aware legislature. On the downside, though, a day of rest would probably wreak havoc on D.C.’s rentboy industry. More details here.

Cross on the Lam

A relic of the cross where Christ was crucified has been stolen from the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Boston. A janitor discovered the crime, which someone committed by sneaking into the church’s Blessed Sacrament Chapel and simply prying open the lid of the glass box where the cross piece was kept. Pretty lax security for such a powerful relic. According to legend, this cross piece was laid upon the body of an ailing old lady, curing the living shit out of her. I don’t have to tell you how dangerous it is to have such healing magics in the hands of criminals. Police started their search for the relic by doing an eBay search for “one true cross”, which turned up a few unpromising leads. It seems lots of people claim to have a piece of the cross. So many, in fact, that there are enough pieces of the “one true cross” to build many, many crosses. Still, the Boston Archdiocese says it doesn’t matter whether this relic is genuine or not; it’s an important focal point for contemplation of Christ’s suffering and a valuable object of prayer. With crimes like this, however, it’s rare that the stolen item is ever recovered. In which case, the church will just have to change its name to the Cathedral of the Empty Box. More details here.

Pyramid Positivity

India has about 114,000 traffic fatalities a year. This is mostly because many Indian drivers are never taught how to drive a car, roads collapse into each other like an M.C. Escher drawing, and Indian teens have only just caught up to 1950s California dragster culture. (Only one of these is a lie.) But one mystic says traffic accidents are mostly caused by negative energy, and he plans to reduce them by installing pyramids near crash-prone intersections. Local police in Nagpur are allowing this expert in Vasnu (basically Indian Feng Shui) to place ten copper-bottom pyramids in these areas to see if they really do emit positivity rays. It’s a nearly risk-free situation, since the pyramids aren’t costing the government anything, and they’ll also continue to try and curb road deaths through more traditional means. The only real danger here is that cars might crash into the pyramids themselves, which will obviously be filled with deadly, perpetually sharp razor blades. More details here.

Xenu vs. Cooper

Anderson Cooper, CNN’s second handsomest personality behind Soledad O’Brien, has stirred the ire of the Church of Scientology after running a week-long expose on the cult’s history of treating its lower-tier members to regular beatings. Several former Scientologists have come forward in recent years to tell the world of their regular punch sessions with church officials, particularly at the fists of leader David Miscavige. The cult’s take? All lies. Oh, and Anderson Cooper is a jerk who wears fancy clothes. In a cover story for Scientologist magazine “Freedom”, Cooper is accused of having a journalistic double standard when it comes to his Scientology investigations. "...when an earthquake reduces Haiti to rubble, there he is, on site in designer jeans or cargo pants, to verify for himself that the villages were indeed reduced to rubble...Anderson Cooper has got to see it with his own two eyes while furrowing his brow to show how much he cares. But this time, Cooper refused to look.” In other words, Cooper’s very thorough in covering international humanitarian disasters, so he should be equally as thorough in covering the international humanitarian disaster that is the Church of Scientology? Seems like a strange message to send, but there it is. Strangely, the church complains that Cooper wouldn’t talk to their higher-ups for his reports, but they also insist that the only CNN host qualified to interview Miscavige is Larry King. This is the same Larry King, you recall, who lobs so many softballs he might as well be a lesbian physical education major. BOOM! More details here.

Cryptogoogology

All sorts of strange things have turned up in Google Street View photos. People engaged in domestic disputes. Mary Poppins. Detroit. But now we have our first genuine image of an abominable hell-beast. The above photo, taken in Yorkshire, which is somewhere in Middle Earth, clearly depicts a three-legged, two-headed monstrosity that should be stabbed with pitchforks and burned immediately by local villagers. But in a weasly attempt to avoid a lawsuit, Google claims this isn’t a monster at all but simply a photographic error created by splicing together two images of the same man. After hours spent Googling the situation, I’ve concluded that this is a lie. The monster hunt continues. More details here.

Manga Mad

A Florida woman says her son has been mentally damaged by manga he checked out of his local library. Well, he didn’t check it out so much as slip it under his shirt and walk off with it, but what’s the difference, really? Socialism is socialism. It’s unclear exactly which manga series so decimated this boy’s brain, but library officials say it was no worse than any other serialized Japanese graphic fiction. So, I’m assuming it had something to do with giant robots, androgynous heroes, and/or pantie-sniffing grandpas. Still, Margaret Barbaree wants this filth removed from public consumption. “My son lost his mind when he found this,” she told her local city council. “Now he’s in a home for extensive therapy.” On behalf of her newly-formed busybody group Protect Our Children, Barbaree gathered signatures on a petition calling for the removal of this ungodly manga. Only, many of the signatories say she only told them it was a petition about cleaning the library of pornography. Same diff. More details here.

Squidong

For years, the mating habits of deep-sea squid have been a mystery. With all their naughty bits encased in their hood-like mantles, how do males get their sperm where it needs to go? Turns out, the answer is simple. They have a tremendously elongated dong. Scientists recently discovered a squid specimen with a fully erect penis nearly as long as its entire body, including tentacles. It’s the white tube at the bottom of the above picture. They still don’t know exactly where the squid shoots its packets of sperm, but it’s certain the penis is long enough to squirm its way up even the toughest to reach mantles. (Coincidentally, this is also how Tom Jones inseminates squid.) Dr. Alexander Arkhipkin of the Falkland Islands Government Fisheries Department describes the moment of discovery to the BBC: “The mature male squid was caught during a deep-water research cruise on the Patagonian slope. We took the animal from the catch, and it was moribund with arms and tentacles still moving, and chromatophores on the skin contracting and expanding. When the mantle of the squid was opened for maturity assessment, we witnessed an unusual event. The penis of the squid, which had extended only slightly over the mantle margin, suddenly started to erect, and elongated quickly to 67cm total length, almost the same length as the whole animal.” You’d be forgiven for mistaking this quote for a passage from Jules Verne’s “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea”, but remember: Captain Nemo would have eaten the penis. More details here.

Sick

UPDATE: A little late to this, but the news is good. America is once again safe for hot really, really hot disgusting porn.

This week, pornographer John Stagliano is due to stand trial on federal obscenity charges. Yes, obscenity is still illegal in the United States, despite the fact that no court could tell you what it even is. Traditionally, obscenity has been defined as anything that happens to make a jury of randomly-selected people uncomfortable. But one need only look at the box office returns of “Grown Ups” to prove the general public often has questionable taste. Plus, there’s the whole thing about how criminalizing tastelessness is like spraying boiled diarrhea all over the First Amendment. (Warning: That simile is obscene.) Still, pesky things like a respect for free speech didn’t stop a team of federal agents from ordering Stagliano’s “Milk Nymphos”, “Storm Squirters 2: Target Practice”, and a trailer for videos starring Belladonna, one of the hottest most obscene porn stars around. If convicted, Stagliano faces up to 32 years in jail and a $7 million fine. For selling pornography to consenting adults. As an assault on freedom, this trial is more obscene than any lactation fetish video, and far less arousing. Even worse, it could have a chilling effect on the porn industry that would seriously cripple my ability to enjoy adult entertainment. Keep an eye on this, America. More details here.

My Favorite Martians

50-year-old Keith Rasmussen of Racine, Wisconsin was recently arrested for crashing his SUV into a strip club. Allegedly, Rasmussen was asked to leave the club after vomiting in the VIP room. He reportedly stumbled to his car in the parking lot, put it in reverse, and backed into the front of the club before driving away at a high rate of speed. But when the police finally caught up with Rasmussen, he said he never driven any such SUV. When asked how he got from the club to his current location several blocks away, he claimed that he’d received transportation assistance from Martians. This may or may not be true, but it’s worth noting that Martian society is notoriously conservative. One might even call them prudish. It’s no stretch of the imagination to believe they might offer a free taxi service away from strip clubs as some kind of moral cleansing initiative. Which is really a shame, considering Martians also have some of the most beautiful genitalia in the entire solar system. Second only to the Neptunians’ famed sparkledongs. More details here.

Pew, Pew!

Oh, Bobby Jindal. My exorcism-loving, hacktastic, insufferably creepy governor is at it again. Just a few weeks ago, he signed into law a bill that requires any woman seeking an abortion to first undergo an ultrasound. Apparently, women shouldn’t have the right to terminate a pregnancy (even in cases of rape or incest) without paying a doctor to insert a wand into her vagina first. But don’t let that make you think Jindal is some kind of freedom hater. Because he also signed into law a bill that allows people with concealed weapons permits to carry their guns into church. Defenders of the new law say that churches can be dangerous places besieged by muggers, gangsters, and rapists. And I, for one, am all for this kind of deadly self-protection. Here’s hoping a good Samaritan will find it in his hard to shoot these rapist off their church-going targets before they can impregnate someone and force her to get an ultrasound before having an abortion. More details here.

Scope the Monkey

85 years ago, the Scopes Trial in Dayton, Tennessee put the teaching of evolution before the courts. Obviously, evolution and its implications of a godless universe aren’t a big deal for anyone these days, but at the time, it was a controversial issue. As such, the “Baltimore Sun” sent its genius reporter and satirist H.L. Mencken to cover the trial via regular dispatches. To commemorate the event, “Amateur Scientist Podcast” friend Kevin I. Slaughter is releasing audio adaptations of Mencken’s reports through a new podcast. It’s a great idea executed beautifully. Check it out.