My Favorite Martians

50-year-old Keith Rasmussen of Racine, Wisconsin was recently arrested for crashing his SUV into a strip club. Allegedly, Rasmussen was asked to leave the club after vomiting in the VIP room. He reportedly stumbled to his car in the parking lot, put it in reverse, and backed into the front of the club before driving away at a high rate of speed. But when the police finally caught up with Rasmussen, he said he never driven any such SUV. When asked how he got from the club to his current location several blocks away, he claimed that he’d received transportation assistance from Martians. This may or may not be true, but it’s worth noting that Martian society is notoriously conservative. One might even call them prudish. It’s no stretch of the imagination to believe they might offer a free taxi service away from strip clubs as some kind of moral cleansing initiative. Which is really a shame, considering Martians also have some of the most beautiful genitalia in the entire solar system. Second only to the Neptunians’ famed sparkledongs. More details here.