Ron Paul No More

You may have missed this bit of news since Ron Paul is and always will be irrelevant to reality, but the little congressman from Texas ended his campaign last Thursday. Of course, that's what the mainstream media would have you believe. We all know that the CIA in cahoots with the New World Order conspired to bring down his campaign in an orchestrated demolition. Sure, the pundits and blowhards might say his chances of becoming president were squashed after a pathetic showing in every popular election to the point, but upon reviewing video footage, we can clearly see that it's utter craziness was carefully orchestrated to end in destruction. In short, Ron Paul's campaign was an inside job. More details here.

Clinton Paints it Black

So it looks like footage of Barack Obama used in a Hillary Clinton campaign ad was artificially darkened to make Obama look more black than he usually does. Of course, this is kind of subjective. The quality and tone of video footage can change drastically from generation to generation, and no one really knows where the Clinton ad clip was recorded or what it looked like before it was spliced in. But compared to other recordings of the same broadcast, the results are pretty striking. Why the Clinton campaign would think an even blacker black man would be frightening to the American people, I have no idea. I'm not going to endorse any presidential candidate here or go slinging undeserved mud, but Clinton's a racist and Obama deserves the Democratic nomination. More details here.

Druggy Drinking Water

So here's the short of it: the drinking water supplies of millions and Americans have tested positive for trace amounts of various pharmaceuticals--including antibiotics, anti-psychotics, pain medicine, and sex hormones. The AP conducted a large-scale investigation of the matter and found that drugs pass through our bodies, pass through waste treatment facilities, enter the water supply, and make it through the purification process for human consumption. Who knew the buggers were so durable? What they didn't find was any evidence that this is a problem. After all, these are tiny amounts of drugs we're talking about--not nearly enough to even qualify as a dose. But the AP article on the subject hints at vague future problems our bodies might possibly sustain from continued exposure to the pharmaceuticals. For example, the article mentions "disturbing" environmental health problems found in wildlife but doesn't actually say what those problems are or whether they've been linked to drug-laced water. More spotless reporting from the AP. Something is happening, and it may or may not kill you. More details here.

UPDATE 3/11/08:
Apparently the AP ate my words and have released a followup article detailing the damages these trace amounts of drugs have caused to exposed wildlife. Perhaps some of my above snark was unwarranted. Perhaps. You can read the new details here.

Psychedelic Moses

Benny Shanon, professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, can't possibly believe that Moses' reception of God's laws atop Mt. Sinai was a miraculous event of cosmic significance. After all, God's laws turned out to be a little bit trite (Really? Murder is wrong?) and the rest just demonstrated a 12-year-old's sense of self-centered jealousy (Why isn't everyone paying attention just to me?). But he also can't believe that despite any physical or historical evidence to back up the events of the Book of Exodus, the story of Moses can't possibly be a mere legend. So, for Shanon, that leaves only one option: Moses was totally baked, man. Shanon claims that the use of psychedelic drugs was common in the religious rituals of early Hebrews, and Moses' visions of burning bushes and God's ass (look it up) were probably just side-effects of the brown acid. Shanon backs up this claim by discussing his own religious visions while under the influence of drugs. Case closed, apparently. More details here.

Shake That Virus to Death

Physicist Otto Sankey and his team of sexy young students have discovered a new way to kill harmful viruses by shaking them to death. Through trial and error research to determine the resonant frequency of the satellite tobacco necrosis virus, the team was able to tune a laser to the same frequency and shake that thing until it begged for mercy. In practice, the technique is very similar to how a singer can break glass by matching its resonant frequency with her voice. Of course, no one wants to add insult to injury with any HIV patients, so we won't be bombarding them with arias or laser beams. But a virus-infected patient could theoretically be hooked up to a machine that would cycle through his blood and shake the hell out of any viruses it finds there. More details here.

ELF Quest

Three luxury model homes in a Seattle suburb were set on fire Monday by the Earth Liberation Front (NAMBLA), a loosely organized group of radical environmentalists and Phish enthusiasts who are just, like, sick of all the bullshit, man. Their point? To protest the builders' claims that these homes represented the top of the line in environmentally friendly construction, featuring recycled building materials and other expensive bells and whistles that feed the egos of people who can't wait to tell you how much they love their Prius. ELF left behind a sign that read, "Built green? Nope black!", demonstrating their cunning grasp of word usage and punctuation. Also, the fumes from the burning buildings choked the life out of any organism that happened to be flying by at the time. Success! More details here.

Scientology Success Story? No.

Jeff Conaway, former co-star of TV's Taxi and high school drama departments' Grease, has credited Scientology with helping him overcome his drug habit and once again focus on acting. Since appearing on VH1's "celebreality" (I just vomited a little bit of bile typing that word) show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Conaway has also lost 40 pounds. With his new svelte physique, mountains of Scientology books, and a daily in-home auditor provided by friend John Travolta, the sky's the limit for this talented thespian's career. So, to recap, he was in Grease, then Taxi, and now he's reenacting the darkest moments of his miserable existence on VH1. Thanks, Scientology? More details here.