How Computers Compute

by Richard Peacock

How Computers Compute

Unless you are some sort of psychic vampire currently reading my mind, you are enjoying this article on a computer. And if you are a psychic vampire, taste a little of this-- ha ha! That's right! I'm thinking about giving Henry Kissinger a sensual massage and there's nothing you can do about it!

But for the rest of you, you may be wondering just how it is that computers work. How does a chip made of plastic, metal, and ectoplasm perform mathematical operations and connect you to single women looking for a good time?

My silly old grandfather used to tell me that "fairies" used "magic" to construct computer chips. But, of course, every child must eventually grow up one day. So, as I got older and wiser, I began to wonder just how exactly did the fairies create electronics, and why did most of the world's fairies seem to live in Japan and Korea?



Computer chips (or "fairy squares") are composed of thousands, millions, billions, or even tens of transistors, all shrunk down to microscopic sizes using alien technology which the fairies acquired during their long struggle for independence/the right to own slaves. In fact, the first computer chips weren't chips at all, but large circuits made of several integrated transistors. It wasn't until the transistors became fruitful and multiplied did computers become truly powerful.

So what's the big freakin' deal with transistors?! Okay... first of all... calm down. Good. You see, Japanese engineers (ie, fairies in their larval stage) construct "logic gates" out of transistors, which let a chip send electricity down one pin or the other, based on some condition. If you string together logic gates in particular ways, you can create circuits to perform mathematical operations, which are at the heart of everything that happens in your computer; from doing taxes, to playing video games, to looking up amputee porn, it all boils down to chips in your computer doing math.

So what's next for computers? Some say quantum computing. Others say some kind of hamster-running-on-a-wheel based processor. But I believe the most likely course is that computers will remain exactly the same, both in power and in price, while fairies turn their attention to improving their newest invention: fleshlights.

Science Rocks is written by Richard Peacock, inventor of the communication satellite. He now lives in Sri Lanka where he ponders the riddles of this, and other worlds. Email him at richard@amateurscientist.org.

Priest Talking Straight

Catholic priest Father Peter Dresser of Bathurst in Australia has just published a book called God is Big. Real Big, which, aside from the grammatical disaster on the cover, seems pretty interesting. For those who don't know, the Catholic religion is based on the idea that a man named Jesus of Nazareth who lived about two thousand years ago was actually the fleshy embodiment of God--physical, but not quite human. Father Dresser says this is nonsense. “This whole matter regarding Jesus being God ... not only does violence to my own intelligence, but must be a sticking point,” he says. “For millions of people trying to make some kind of sense of the Christian religion ... No human being can ever be God, and Jesus was a human being. It is as simple as that.” Which isn't to put down any of Jesus' teachings. Father Dresser's only point is that believing in a sort-of-man/sort-of-god demi-being stretches the suspension of disbelief to a breaking point. This reminds me a lot of Superman II, actually. I'll buy that Superman can lose and regain his powers in some sort of crystal sun chamber, but throwing a Saran wrap "S" shield? Please. Anyway, the rest of the Catholic church is none too happy with Father Dresser's ideas. At least one fellow priest has even compared to the infamous German rabble-rouser and paper nailer Martin Luther. Although I wouldn't be surprised if a fair number of Catholic priests share Father Dresser's opinion of the Bible, contenting themselves with a life of ritual, dress-up, and making people feel better about their dirty, dirty sinnin'. More details here.

Quite an Intereshting Shtory

Phonagnoshia ish a dishorder that preventsh people from being able to dishtinguish one voish from another. It'sh ushually a shide effect of shtroke or brain damage, but one woman being shtudied at Univershity College London sheems to have been born with it. Call her on the phone, and she couldn't tell you who you are. But doctorsh have been exshperimenting with playing the woman clipsh of the voishes of famoush people. For shome reashon, they've dishcovered, her phonagnoshia doeshn't shtop her from identifying the dishtinct Shcottish brogue of actor/woman shlapper Sean Connery. By shtudying the tonesh and cadenshes of Connery'sh voish, doctorsh may now be able to get a better grashp on this dishorder and figure out how to help people overcome itsh limitationsh. More detailsh here.

Vikings: History's Metrosexuals

Historians at Cambridge University are hoping to bust some myths about Vikings with their new guide on the impact of the ancient Danes on British culture. For centuries now, Vikings have gotten a bad rap as the dirty, hairy, horn-headed rapists of northern Europe. Not so, according to these researchers. Vikings did not, in fact, wear horned helmets. They weren't dirty, either. They regularly combed their hair, took baths once a week, changed clothes often, and were sometimes criticized for being too hygeinic. Instead of spending their weekends raping and pillaging, Vikings were largely a peaceful race. And they were so stylish that they were known to wear fashionably baggy pants, not another relic from history known as M.C. Hammer. This dolling up of the Viking image has even trickled down to Hollywood, where I hear Marvel Films are seriously considering casting wax-faced realdoll Zac Efron as Thor. Or so I've just made up. More details here.

The Cyprus Serpent

Crazy people and other officials on the island of Cyprus are frantically searching for their very own Loch Ness Monster, a sea creature reportedly roaming the depths near the Kouris Dam. For three years, people have reported spotting the creature. Local city workers will try and lure the beast into the open by tempting it with live hens, raw meat, and succulent virgins. Okay, maybe not virgins. I hear they're not easy to find on Cyprus (zing!). Community leader Savvas Sava (sounds made-up...) even told a local newspaper that they'd better get to work building a facility to house the creature once it's found, since it will no doubt become a major tourist attraction. The only problem here is that there's no real evidence such a creature exists. Plus, the onset of sightings started around the same time a crocodile was known to have been released in the same waters. Furthermore, even if there is a mystical snake monster, you know the U.S. government will just steal it for weaponization purposes unless the charming boy who's grown to love it leads a daring rescue operation. That's just how these things work. More details here.

Utah Still Not a Place You'd Want to Live

Megaplex Theatres of Utah have decided not to show the new Kevin Smith movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno because they feel its content and subject matter fall short of their Mormon-based moral standards. If this decision were based on taste, they might have a point. After all, Kevin Smith hasn't made a particularly good movie since Chasing Amy, and that one doesn't hold up too well, either. (Although I have to say word of mouth on Zack and Miri is pretty darn good, so maybe Smith, like me, has finally found some inspiration in porn.) The perplexing thing about this whole affair is that Megaplex Theatres are still happy to show you Saw V this weekend, which, while it doesn't have the p-word right in the title, is nothing more than torture porn. Excellent work, Utah. You continue to do logic and morality proud. More details here.

The Hate Circuit

Scientists at University College London have identified the parts of the brain that process our feelings of hatred. They gave test subjects photos of people the subjects hated and scanned their brains for a response. Turns out all this hate lit up certain distinct areas of the brain, which the researchers are calling a "hate circuit". The hate circuit is separate from the parts of the brain that are associated with fear and danger, though it shares some pathways with aggression and romantic love. The scientists believe this is because aggression, love, and hate all contain a certain amount of irrationality, though I prefer to think that it's because we secretly want to sleep with those we hate the most. Which explains why I find Sarah Palin so sexy/horrible. More details here.