Vamps Bite Back

An anonymous New Zealand man says he was attacked by vampires after waking up in a park after a night of drinking to find bite marks on his neck. You may think this is no big deal in New Zealand, a backward fantasy land crawling with mythical beasts such as orcs, goblins, and Radagast the Brown. But it's a widely accepted fact that vampires don't actually exist outside the sexual fantasies of confused pre-teen girls (also where horses exist). Regardless, it looks like this man was telling the truth. Two people have been arrested and charged with "wounding with intent to render a man unconscious". And at least one of them (pictured) has fessed up to the crime, explaining, "Yeah, I bit a guy ... He hit on my missus. My girlfriend and my mate were biting him. If I'd hit him, I'd have really hurt him, so I thought I'll bite him seeing as they're already biting him." Fair enough. More details here.

Bringing it Back Home

Britain's University of Hertfordshire recently hosted a conference called "Open Graves, Open Minds," which gathered literature experts and students to discuss the history and current state of vampire fiction. But while most of the proceedings were undoubtedly devoted to discussing the best way to achieve maximum skin sparkle without getting glitter in your eyes, there was a decidedly nationalistic subtext to the affair. Prof. Sam George, who now heads a master's degree program in vampire fiction at Hertfordshire, says that it's about time vampires returned to their British roots. After all, "Dracula" was written by Irishman Bram Stoker, and the character has historically been played by British actors. George is tired of all these American pretenders to the gothy throne. And I, for one, support the effort to send vampires and their fans back across the pond. If only so I can go to an American comic book convention in my Rocket Racer costume without having to elbow through all those "Twilight" nerds. More details here.

Vampire Robber

NYPD are currently hunting a potential vampire who, when rebuffed by a stingy cab driver who refused to hand over the cash, bit his victim about the neck, back, and arms. Strange behavior for a vampire, to be sure. They usually sulk around in ratty velvet suits and attempt to seduce the emotionally immature into their terrible embrace. This guy, on the other hand, tried waving around a semi-automatic pistol first. That might sound like a kind of devolution of the vampire M.O., but I think this might be a step in the right direction. I'd much rather human blood sucking be the vampire's last resort. If some goth kid with bedroom eyes approaches me in a dark alley, I'll gladly hand over the contents of my wallet in the hopes that he'll spend that cash on victimless blood bank supplies and possibly a pack or two of clove cigarettes. But there's probably no way to convince the NYPD to back down. Vampire hunts give them a wide swath to practice their police brutality on nocturnal vagrants. Those splintery mop handles in the precinct supply closet aren't going to stick themselves up a homeless dude's ass. Or through his heart, as it were. More details here.