Monday, July 13, 2009


Dermot Ahern is Ireland's current Minister for Justice, Equality and Law Reform. He hates the gays, saying that homosexuals "do not deserve our tolerance". Recently, he spearheaded the passage of a new law criminalizing "blasphemy" in his country. Luckily, he's made his email address public, so all of us can write to tell him what we think of criminalizing free speech. Send your electronic letters to dermot@dermotahern.ie. Here's what I wrote:

Hello, Mr. Ahern. Just writing to thank you for spearheading this much-needed new anti-blasphemy law in Ireland. It's the efforts of beautiful, upstanding gentlemen like yourself that keep a steady wall between civilized society and moral chaos.

Wait, did I call you beautiful? It's not that I don't mean it. I just didn't mean to be so forward. It just slipped out. But while we're on the subject, yes, I do find you quite beautiful. The subtle droop of your manly jowls, the immaculate shine of your scalp. It's like you're wearing a halo of sex, Mr. Ahern.

I guess I'll just lay it all out. I'd love to be inside you. Unfortunately, the teachings of Jesus Christ and his Holy Father prohibit such lustful acts. (Though God is willing to forgive a minor transgression or two. Just saying.)

It's just that sometimes I want to curse God for being such a dickish, petty killjoy. I mean, really. Fuck that guy.

Well, that's what I feel like saying. I don't actually do so, of course, as that would be blasphemy.

Brian Thompson