Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Michael Jackson Resurrection Index

by Karl Mamer

On a recent installment of The Amateur Scientist Podcast, Brian and Bob "raised" the "specter" that we should not grieve over Michael Jackson's passing as he was possibly going to rise from the dead Real Soon Now. Like many people expecting the Prince of Pop to return from the dead, I'd like it to happen sooner than later. And I would like some advanced warning so I can prepare an appropriate garden party and get attendance confirmation from A-list friends before my A-list friends accept other invites to Michael Jackson resurrection garden parties.

To this end, I've created the Michael Jackson Resurrection Index, a scientifically valid metric for determining how close Michael is to returning to us from beyond the grave.

Positive Indicators

Positive Indicators increase the likelihood of Michael's return. Positive indicators include things like sightings of Michael (corporeal or non-corporeal versions of him), miracles or healings attributed to Michael's intersession, events in Michael's life (pre- and post-death) that mirror the life of Christ, and events that generally create an atmosphere conducive to Michael's return (e.g., The Wiz has been released on Blu-Ray).

Below are the Positive Indicator categories:

Ghost Sightings

Flesh Sightings (including sightings of Michael in drive-thrus or working in a German Walmart)

Jackson-Christ Parallels

It's Not Pareidolia (Michael's image inexplicably appears on the side of buildings or bread products)

Miscellaneous Occult Occurrences (includes lycanthropy)


Other Miracles (lost wedding rings are found, Diana Ross makes a career comeback)

Advances in Plastic Surgery

Jackson-related UFOs

Profit (anything that might make Jackson richer if he returned from the dead)

Negative Indicators

Negative Indicators decrease the likelihood of Michael's return. Negative indicators include things like burial plans that make it difficult for Michael to resurrect via occult means (spells, yogic flying) or events that create an atmosphere that impedes Michael's return (Bubbles the chimp attacks and grossly disfigures his trainer).

Below are the Negative Indicator categories:

Man/Boy Love Vilification (plus other indicators that ruin the magic of childhood)

Joe Jackson (includes his attempts to thwart Michael's funeral plans)

Deaths (deaths of Michael Jackson friends, supporters, and known sympathizers)

Negative Market Forces (anything that might impact a living Michael Jackson's bottom line)

When Animals Attack (stories of some of Michael's favorite animal pals attacking adults and children)

Bad Times for Disney (The death of Captain Eo and other Michael-negative Disney stories)


Positive Indicators

Since we can assume The Tholian Web episode of ST:TOS is a true depiction of metaphysical reality, we can then assume reports of Michael Jackson's ghost at Neverland are his attempts to cross back over. He is risen, real soon now.

The Bigfoot-Michael Jackson link.
And there's an Uri Geller connection.

Michael Jackson cures a boy of some unnamed medical condition that some unnamed doctors said he would only have a 50/50 chance of recovering from.

I would like to point out this lyrics site offers Michael Jackson's #1 Billie Jean song as a "related" tune to the lyrics page for Alphaville's Miracle Healing. I believe most lyrics from the 1980s were secretly written to warn this generation that the evolution of a new enlightened cosmic consciousness could be sidetracked unless .... unless ... unless something or another. Stay tuned.

The UFO-Michael Jackson link.

Michael Jackson memorial ratings: 31 million watch.

I have this as a positive indicator. Some closed-minded skeptics have commented that ratings were lower than expected. Obama (who has never had even a single number one song) got higher ratings for his inauguration, for example. However, that nearly 31 million people gave up time in their day to watch the cold corpse of Michael just lying there in his coffin and the coffin not even moving rhythmically to the musical stylings of Stevie Wonder, I think that bodes well for Michael's eventual Resurrection Day celebration, where he will not only be dancing and singing but likely flying and shooting rainbows from his eye sockets.

Total Positive: 7

Negative Indicators

Yahoo News brings us this headline (to no one's surprise): "Michael Jackson gets more bizarre after death".

"Bizarre in life, Michael Jackson's complex personal affairs are taking even stranger twists in death, with sketchy reports on Tuesday of plans for an elaborate public memorial and questions over the parentage of his children.

Celebrity website TMZ.com, which broke the news of Jackson's death, reported the entertainer was not the biological father of his three children and that his ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, was not the genetic mother of the eldest two."

"'Endless' supply of music in Jackson's vaults".

Given whoever controls the Jackson estate can be living high off the hog for decades, if not centuries, releasing endless "best of" CDs that include a single new track from this vault, it might be in their best interest to place a silver stake through Jackson's heart, dump him in a edelweiss lined coffin, cut his head off, stuff his mouth with belladonna, and bury him where two rivers meet to ensure any occult form of resurrection does not take place.

Total Negative: 2

MJRI (positive - negative): 5