Pre-emptive Detoxing: Not Just a Waste of Money

by Christian Walters

It's time for my car to get some major service. I'm sitting at the maintenance place right now, waiting for them to finish their inspections. I just know they are going to ask me why I have a dead barn owl taped to my oil pan, and I have no explanation that will satisfy them.

Most of what they are doing is replacing filters and fluids, since a car engine is known for accumulating gunk that hinders its performance. Everyone knows that, too. So it's not a surprise to me that doing the same thing to our own bodies holds some appeal. There are things in each of us more disgusting than dirty transmission fluid could ever be.

Being modern people (that is, idiots), we go about it the wrong way. Let's take a look at what we're doing to ourselves, and why we don't do analogous things to our rides. I'm not going to do the reverse (for example, shoving an air filter up your nose), because if people are too proud to think they share anything with chimpanzees, they're going to hate sharing things with Volvos.

Detox Foot Pads



Look like foot girdles, don't they?

These things, made by Kinoki and a few others, make all kinds of plausible-sounding claims:

1. They may remove toxins and heavy metals from your body, which naturally collect in your feet because, you know, gravity. But you wear those things while you sleep. Shouldn't you strap those pads on your butt? And I've never worn them -- by now, I should have so many toxins in my feet that my legs should have dissolved.

2. They may improve your sleep quality.

3. They may assist in the natural cleansing of the lymphatic system. If you don't believe this one, take a look at your lymph nodes and see how shiny they are.

4. They may keep your PC from getting a virus.

5. They may assist in lowering a testicle, unless you're a male.

6. They may ensure that your favorite sports team wins the next Stanley Cup, which will be cool if your favorite team plays baseball.

I could cynically point out that the word "may" effectively turns all those claims into non-lies. Some companies can afford either R&D or legal advice on how to prevent fraud, but not both.

Would you do this to your car? No, I would not wrap a mysterious substance around my tires overnight and expect it to clean my spark plugs or change my oil. I don't believe that car gunk settles into my tires just because those are what touch the ground. This is more of a prank for gullible friends. I would much rather sit at the mechanics for three hours and pay several hundr--- ...Maybe I should rethink this.

Car Update!

They finished their inspections! Turns out I have dirty power steering fluid as well, and a buildup of carbon-related goop in a hose. Damn. Dead owls are supposed to prevent exactly that sort of thing. Guess what pseudoscientific avian myth is hitting the grill tonight? I told them to replace the fluid (I like steering), but I'm using the stuff in the hose to eventually make a diamond.

But as long as we're talking about dirty hoses...

Colon Hydrotherapy Cleansing

I can understand how someone would think this would work, but I'm not going to volunteer myself. I would happily volunteer someone else if they were an obnoxious drunk at a party and fell asleep on my floor. (If you're reading this, Mona... yes, but it wasn't my idea.)

I first learned of this on an episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshit! Turns out it's exactly what you think it is: shoving a wet/dry vac into your anus, set it to "deep shag," and hope for the best. This has "fetishist" written all over it. And also "popular in California." When this process extracts something nasty, it's easy to say that it was a success. When it rinses out something that looks like a pool noodle, it's easier to say you need more bran. To me, if it didn't wash something out, I'd be worried.

Be careful if you Google this process. There are some truly gross pictures of the end result, so to speak. Let's find a friendlier analogy. Think about this instead:


Would you do this to your car? Not bloody likely. There may be some benefit in flushing out parts of my car (the cup holder, for example -- I had a Frappuccino Malfunction recently), but I'm not running a hose into my tailpipe to flush out the crud that will eventually get expelled through my tailpipe. Patience, people!

Conclusion

Neither of these things will do any good. In fact, they might do you some bad. The discoloration on the foot pad is a reaction from the iron in the pad to the sweat on your foot. So when you wake up, you have basically strapped your feet to a pile of rust. And this is supposed to remove heavy metals? Don't put these on open sores, folks.

And flushing your large intestine will remove a lot of the stuff that's in there, but why would you do that? The large intestine is already moving that stuff out. When you're reading your Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom, it's a success story for your colon. Rinsing all that out prematurely will also remove some bacteria that aids digestion. If you can't handle the idea of having proto-poop in you, check into getting an android body.

But is it all about the physical? For many of us, there's more to living than just the body. Is prayer a way to detox your soul? Wash away your sins? Do sins accumulate in your feet, too? When I'm old and having my last-second deathbed conversion, should I have my feet amputated, just in case? Will your sins go away if left alone, like your body, or does it need regular maintenance, like your car? Does wearing a religious icon work as well as strapping a dead owl to your engine? (My guess: yes.)

Either way, you do need to take care of your bodies, people. Eat the right things, get in some exercise every day, and get your eight hours of sleep. Most of what comes back out of you will be taken care of. Don't worry about the DIY stuff unless your doctor tells you otherwise. You do not want to be found dead with a water funnel in your pooper and rusty panty liners on your toes.

The car's done! I need some donuts...

Christian Walters lives, loves, and drives in the Atlanta area. He's a technical writer by training, and a Rock Band Adonis by nature. He has honed his reviewing skills on bad movies, which are as rare as pollen grains these days. He has always been a fan of science, and has studied it as much as he could by flinging a Frisbee around campus while getting a liberal arts degree.