Sunday, September 27, 2009

Your Sunday Sermon - The Abomination

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.

Oh, friends. Oh, my poor, poor friends. How your sins sadden me. Yes, it is I, your humble shepherd, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock. And you people make me sick! Devils be gone!!

I-- I'm sorry. I will try to contain myself. I know that not all of you are to blame. But you see, dear friends, as I walked this morning to a local nautically-themed restaurant (to check for signs of sailors in lust), I spied an entire room full of people committing an abomination! Yes, you guessed it. They were eating shrimp. Alas alack!

Alas, dear friends, because we know the truth, that the Lord our God views shrimp as an abomination. "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination." (Lev 11:10-11).

When I saw this lurid display, I ran to the bathroom (to vomit and check for signs of sailors in lust) and what did I glimpse in my periphery? A little boy-- eating oysters! Alas alack! For as the good book tells us, "And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you." (Deut 14:10). Oh, friends, I was so distraught, that by the time I made it to the bathroom, I hardly felt the energy to condemn what few sailors in lust I found there. Truly, this is a sad day for us all.

Now, I know some of you may have been taught that Jesus did away with dietary restrictions such as these. No doubt you were taught by homosexuals and sin-enthusiasts! Friends, please, heed the word of God, lest you become shrimp yourselves-- in the Lake of Fire!

The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

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