Sunday, September 13, 2009

Your Sunday Sermon - Unicorns

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.

Hello my friends. It is I, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock, your humble shepherd. Now, I know that some of my sheep have begun to stray the flock. I know that some have wandered away from the siren call of the Lord, and have dabbled with the dark arts of science and reason. This is why, my woolly wanderers, I have come to you today. I'm going to shave you naked and make a sweater for the Lord! Hallelujah!

This week's sermon: unicorns. Now, I know many of you "rational thinkers" like to believe there is no such thing as these majestic creatures. You want objective, concrete evidence. Devils be gone!! Now listen closely little black sheep, I'm about to give you three bags full-- of truth!

Unicorns most certainly exist! They are right there in the printed word of God. "God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn." (Numbers 23:22). "His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns." (Deut 33:17). "But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil." (Psalm 92:10). "And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness." (Isaiah 34:7). You see, dear friends? The unicorn's dust shall be made fat with fatness-- how much clearer can it be??

Now, some modern translations of the Bible (most likely written by witches and/or homosexuals) translate "unicorn" as "wild ox." Devils be gone!! The last time I checked, an ox has two horns, ugly nose hairs, and can't restore a woman's hymen by resting its head in her lap, as believed by medieval Europeans! Praise Jesus!

Well, that is all the time we have for today, my fuzzy followers. But join me again next Sunday, the Lord's day, for more of the truth revealed! Unicorns are real! Hallelujah!

The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

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