Sunday, September 20, 2009

Your Sunday Sermon - The Real Ten Commandments

Hey guys, this is Richard Peacock. Many of you don't know this, but my cousin Thaddeus is the reverend for a small church in my hometown. When he heard that I help out with this "Godless" web site, he insisted he be allowed to do a weekly sermon, to set everyone "back on the right path." So please keep in mind his views and opinions don't represent the rest of us here at AmateurScientist.

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. I'm so glad you could attend. Come inside, come inside. Yes, my gentle flock, it is I, the Reverend Thaddeus Peacock, here again to let you graze on the soft green grass of Jesus. Hallelujah!

This week's sermon: The Real Ten Commandments. Now I know what some of you are saying right now, that you already know the Ten Commandments. That you should honor your parents, and not bear false witness. Devils be gone!! Those commandments were broken up by Moses, so the Lord gave him a new set! "And the LORD said unto Moses, Hew thee two tables of stone like unto the first: and I will write upon these tables the words that were in the first tables, which thou brakest." (Ex 34:1)

And my friends, let me tell you now, these new commandments are even more logical and profound than the first. The first set were trash!! These commandments are the true wishes of God, and if we do not follow them, then we are no better than whores and/or Gypsies! Won't you read along here as I recite them to you:

#1: "For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." (Ex 34:14) Praise Jealous, or Lord!
#2: "Thou shalt make thee no molten gods." (Ex 34:17) That thing with the calf really pissed him off.
#3: "The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep. Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread." (Ex: 34:18) Get me a glass of milk, my friends! Jealous commands I eat crackers for seven days straight!
#4: "All the firstborn of thy sons thou shalt redeem. And none shall appear before me empty." (Ex 34:20) Sacrifice to Jealous your firstborn sons, my friends! I already have!
#5: "Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest." (Ex 34:21) He follows His own advice!
#6: "And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks." (Ex 34:22) Observe it, heathens, observe it!
#7: "Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven," (Ex 34:25) God will knock that roll right out of your bloody hands! Praise Jealous!
#8: "neither shall the sacrifice of the feast of the passover be left unto the morning." (Ex: 34:25) That shit will get stale! Wrap it up!
#9: "The first of the firstfruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the LORD thy God." (Ex: 24:26) More sacrifice anyone? More sacrifice everyone!

And now, the most profound of all the commandments, #10: "Thou shalt not boil a kid in his mother's milk." (Ex: 24:26) My friends, I am sick and tired of seeing our holiest of commandments broken on a daily basis. Why, I bet some of are you are boiling a baby goat in its mother's milk as we speak! Devils be gone!!

I hope, dear followers, that I, your humble shepherd, have steered you away from the false commandments today, and toward the true commandments. And I hope, too, that you will join me next week. Until then, if you boil a goat in its mothers milk, then Jealous help you.

The Reverend Thaddeus Peacock is a licensed Churchologist with advanced degrees in Biblology, Jesusence, and Brimstoning. He may be reached by emailing his cousin Richard at richard@amateurscientist.org.

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