Friday, May 28, 2010


No one has a finger on the pulse of current youth trends like the stodgy old matron of traditional media. Think about it: If it weren't for local TV news and weekend style sections of the newspaper, how would you know that the kids these days are into baggy pants, hip hop dancing, and "fisting"? You wouldn't, grandpa. So instead of blowing off this story as more trend-mongering bullshit, you should instead be grateful that someone's trying to keep you relevant. According to people, kids are engaging in a dangerous practice called "eyeballing" wherein they pour vodka directly into their eyes in order to get "crunk" (a portmanteau of "drunk" and "cunt"). Doctors say this is a bad idea, since the alcohol in vodka can eat away at layers of the cornea. But little do these doctors know, kids today think corneas are "whack" (a portmanteau of "actuary" and "whack"). So, if you see a young person pouring vodka directly into his eyes, best to snatch the bottle out of his hand and smash it on his face. Or you could kneel down next to him and pour a liter of Grey Goose into your own eyes. I hear there's nothing kids like more than adults trying desperately to be their friends. More details here.