I am the Very Model of Biological Evolution

by Richard Peacock

Gilbert and Sullivan have taught me many things in my young life. They taught me to appreciate a snappy tune, for example. They taught me that pirates are actually far gayer than I previously thought. And they even taught me not to give dictatorial words to British tars, as they are ever ready for a knock-down blow. But they never taught me anything about evolution. Or what the hell a British tar is, for that matter.

So let me pick up the slack where G&S fell short. I present to you my version of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" as sung by a variety of life forms through the past three billion years of evolution. Enjoy!

I am the Very Model of Biological Evolution



(sung by a lone single-cell bacterium)

I am the very model for the start of life on planet Earth
Not animal or vegetable, but before you judge my worth
Consider how my genesis did not result from random chance,
But instead from other life all struggling for dominance.

If my genes are tough enough I'll outlive my competitors
And pass down my genetic traits just like did my progenitors
To my offspring who will survive far longer than the other cells
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!

(chorus of bacteria)

Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well!
Giving them the chance they need to grow and reproduce as well-as-well!

(bacterium)

I only have one chromosome that forms a circle in my cell.
I haven't any ribosomes or membrane-surrounded organelles.
I'm not animal or vegetable, but before you judge my worth,
Recall that I'm the model for the start of life on planet Earth.

(chorus of bacteria)

He's not animal or vegetable, but before you judge his worth,
Recall that he's the model for the start of life on planet Earth!

CLICK HERE TO KEEP SINGING...

(sung by a female tetrapod* leaving the ocean for the first time)

I am the very first chordate to ever walk upon the beach.
I've been living in the shallow shore with food and safety within reach,
But it wasn't till I lost my gills that I could stand upon dry land.
I am the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!

With nothing that can hunt me now I can evolve to fill this niche.
For wherever there's a food supply life will adapt to eat the dish.
And of course the best survive to reproduce another day.
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA.

(chorus of tetrapods)

For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA,
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DNA,
For the ones that find food first will pass along their DN-DN-A.

(female tetrapod)

And even though I love the land and walking on my brand new legs,
The water's where I still must go to reproduce and to lay eggs,
But one day soon I will evolve to live always upon the land,
I am the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!

(chorus of tetrapods)

But one day soon she will evolve to live always upon the land,
She is the ancient grandmother of modern-day amphibians!



(sung by a primitive mammal in the Jurassic period)

I am the very product of a 3-billion year long ancestry.
An endothermic quadrupedal live-birth-giving mammal is me,
I will survive the asteroid that soon extincts the dinosaurs,
'Cause while the world is cooling fast my fur and hair will keep me warm.

My body size helps emphasize I don't require a lot of food.
Tyrannosaur eats a ton or more, while I only need a pound or two.
This means of course in times of drought and famine I will do just fine,
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.

(chorus of primitive mammals)

While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time.
While dinos that require much food will meet their maker in no time-a-time.

(primitive mammal)

With the dinos gone we're all alone with nothing left to hunt us now.
And all the niches opened up: the sea and air and on the ground.
Our new homes select for change and force us to diversify,
Forming all the furry life from bats to dogs to humankind!

(chorus of primitive mammals)

Our new homes select for change and force us to diversify,
Forming all the furry life from bats to dogs to humankind!

* It was once thought that ancient lung fish were the origin of land-dwelling tetrapods (four-legged animals), but new fossil discoveries have proven that some ancient fish were developing legs, arms and even hands long before they ever decided to go for a stroll on dry land. The picture is a recreation of Icthyostega, an intermediate fossil between fish and amphibians.

The Multiverse is written by Richard Peacock, who generally doesn't know what he's talking about, and will gladly sacrifice scientific accuracy for the sake of a rhyme. Send rhyming complaints to richard@amateurscientist.org.