by Christian Walters
Hello from sunnywindyfoggyhilly San Francisco! (City Motto: LOT FULL) I'm actually out here on a business trip. Atlanta is nice in its way, with its ample parking, but there's something about a 40-degree grade that draws me back to the Bay Area whenever I get the chance.
So welcome to the inauguration of Totally Overlapping Magisteria! We're going to explore the world of nutball cults and shady pseudoscience. (Or, in other words, cults and pseudoscience.) We're going to see how unsupportable religious twaddle gets along with nonsensical technological claims. Smart money is on "darn well." I hope to give complete reviews of these things, so you will know where to spend your credibility currency.
But for now, let's start with making fun of the li'l diet plan that could!
The Remnant Fellowship came to us in 1999 from Gwen Shamblin, a bizarre experiment involving Jane Fonda and Suzanne Somers.
Gwen was visited by God, who let her in on a secret: the only way through the Gates of Heaven is to be thin enough to shimmy through the bars. You have to say those prayers, watch those portions, and keep an eye on that sodium. You might be rolling your eyes, but that's not any weirder than a bris.It works like this. There are two types of hunger: physical and emotional. You feed the physical with food, but only when physically hungry and only until no longer hungry. You feed the emotional with prayer and Scripture, but only until you can't swallow any more.
No, I made that last part up. Emotional hunger is a bottomless pit, according to Gwen, and I think that tells you all you need to know about cult members. Overeating is another type of greed, which is, of course, one of the Seven Deadly. What a load of cra--...
Hold the phone. Overeating is a type of greed? What happened to my good buddy Gluttony? If overeating isn't a kind of gluttony, what is? Regicide?
To be fair, parts of her diet would work. When you feel a craving, picking up a Bible will help you keep the weight off more than picking up a Cheeto. (Turn to the stuff about Lot and his daughters, and it'll make you barf so much you'll get an eating disorder.) The same can be said of picking up any other book, of course. Or picking up an iPod. Or picking up a bike helmet. Or simply picking up a conversation where you left off with a loved one.
But the Bible is better. Getting people to watch their portions and read more Proust won't give you a tax break.
Ha ha! How dare me.
The Remnant Fellowship web site can give you details, including an inspirational photo album showing how some of its members have dropped 50-80 lbs of sin. You can also read more on Gwen Shamblin's Wikipedia page, although it looks like she boldly wrote it herself.
I'd give the Remnant Fellowship a grade of three shaking fists out of a possible 10. The diet plan appears to be solid: eat less and distract yourself with something else when you're feeling a craving. Equating overeating to sin is somewhat off-putting, and the religious ties are mighty thin, so to speak. If this movement ever took hold, we'd hate to see a bunch of thin zealots trying to persecute their more husky fellow citizens. And if you hear someone cry "I gained four goddamned pounds!" they may just mean it literally.
But it does seem efficient for people who want to lose weight and do more tithing. They are certainly less obnoxious than some more accepted groups out there (I'm looking at you, snake handlers). Suzanne Somers would be proud.
Christian Walters lives, loves, and drives in the Atlanta area. He's a technical writer by training, and a Rock Band Adonis by nature. He has honed his reviewing skills on bad movies, which are as rare as pollen grains these days. He has always been a fan of science, and has studied it as much as he could by flinging a Frisbee around campus while getting a liberal arts degree.
