Monday, December 1, 2008

Merging with the Kingdom of Yahweh

by Christian Walters

I was hoping to have this space dedicated to a bitchin' interview with John Hodgman, who just came through Atlanta on a book tour. But he decided to get interviewed by Suchita Vadlamani instead, only because she's smoking hot and is also on TV every morning. She almost read his book!

Maybe later.

Instead, I want to warn you all about driving in Australia. Don't do it. The marmite-a-thol they use for fuel attracts sharks, and their spiders are strong enough to steal your hubcaps and smart enough to avoid jury duty. They have mutant cats you can't sneak up on, and cults that disregard traffic laws and have fugly websites.

I would take you on the tour of what this apocalyptic cult says, but it's basically summed up on their timeline. It's nothing you haven't heard anyway (although the red dragon might be new). But this fun bunch of guys* have interpreted scripture to say "you are not subject to the laws of the state of Victoria." So, no drivers licenses, no car registrations, no gun permits, and no steady source of income to pay their fines.

According to some Aussie News Sources, the Kingdom is ignoring traffic laws, making fake tags, and stockpiling weapons. Like it says in the Bible, I guess? The reason so many of us are unsure that Jesus ever existed was because he refused to get a government-issued I.D. and scraped the Mule Identification Number off. The weapons thing is... more of a stretch, but is an old cult favorite, so what the hell?

To continue with their disregard of Parliament, they claim they'll violate the law against booby trapping their license plates with rivets and razor blades. Another entry in the "Are you sure this is okay with God?" pile.

I've never been to Australia, so I can only guess what the net effect on traffic would be down there. If they tried that crap in Atlanta, it would be unimaginable. No one alternating their merges? No one using their turn signals? Ignoring the speed limit? It would be gridlo--... hmmmm.

Okay, so maybe this isn't the scariest cult around for those of us who live in large, poorly designed cities. If you ignore traffic laws in Atlanta, you will be mistaken for a native. Take it to extremes, and you will get capped. (Isn't that just like a cultist? Brings a booby trapped license plate to a gun fight.) But we're talking about Australia.

It took me awhile to look them up, but I found the Australian traffic laws. They are written on the desiccated skin of a dead Tasmanian who came to Canberra wanting to find where "that Hobbit movie" was made, so it took some work. These are the rules the Kingdom of Yahweh are too holy to follow:

1) no more than two dead aborigines strapped to your roof after 10pm except during hunting season

2) spiders larger than 4 meters in diameter have right-of-way at uncontrolled intersections

3) driving without a knife is strictly prohibited (Refer to the Paul Hogan Official Knife Identification Guide for a list of approved weapons)

4) do not ride your alligator on controlled-access roads if your blood-alcohol level is greater than 10.5%

5) a shark on the roof does not count towards your occupancy total for HOV lane access

6) when tracking something, move the animal droppings fully off the road before tasting

I do not know what life in Australia will be like if people cast these rules aside, and I do not want to know. Hell on Earth, and not just because of the vegemite and Fosters and unregulated Yahoo Serious. Yet this is exactly the kind of society in which the Kingdom of Yahweh wishes to live, at least until 2012 when we all die anyway.

After Australian society breaks down, Air Supply will be hunted for their pelts and the aphrodisiac properties of their powdered bones.

So far, the Australian authorities have vowed to persecute the Kingdom of Yahweh lawbreakers just like they would any other violator: strapping an electric eel to their giblets and playing non-stop Midnight Oil videos. (Many objective observers feel this to be overly harsh, at least on the eel.) I hope the Aussies mean it, but those freedom of religion types are always bitching about this kind of thing. Already there are legions of American snake-handlers planning a trip Down Under to show their support, as soon as they can figure out how to drive their El Camino there.

So we here at Totally Overlapping HQ will keep our eyes on this, unless we forget. In the meantime, if you have to drive in Australia, please take recommended precautions: park your car just outside the rental agency, and run screaming down the wrong side of the road.

Happy Holidays!

*I don't have the group's demographic breakdown, but come on. They're mostly guys.

Christian Walters lives, loves, and drives in the Atlanta area. He's a technical writer by training, and a Rock Band Adonis by nature. He has honed his reviewing skills on bad movies, which are as rare as pollen grains these days. He has always been a fan of science, and has studied it as much as he could by flinging a Frisbee around campus while getting a liberal arts degree.

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