Bush Crashes Climate Party

It's taken about eight years to perfect, but President George W. Bush has finally nailed his role as the world's crazy neighbor. He's obnoxious, he's inconsiderate, he irresponsibly mismanages untold horrors, but you just gotta love the guy. His latest misadventure? Giving a speech at this year's climate change summit in Paris, where the Earth's biggest polluters have gathered to discuss the future of civilization as we know it. Bush has famously ignored the guidelines of the Kyoto Protocol, citing them as being "a little too faggy", but he's now willing to set a date for greenhouse gas reductions in the U.S. Unfortunately, that date is 2025. Oh, and he won't agree to it if China doesn't. Which it won't. On to the Olympics! South African Environment Minister Marthinus van Schalkwyk called Bush's speech "a big complicating factor", as the attendees had originally planned to sit around and gab about how annoying that Bush guy is as they circled the City of Lights in their gas-guzzling private jets. Anyway, the point is this: climate change can never be curbed if we don't address the world's overpopulation problem, but ineffectual summits sure do make for uninteresting press. More details here.