Geezer Foot

Scientists have discovered the oldest known human footprints buried under layers of sediment in Kenya. How old? 1.5 million years. “Wait just a goddamn second,” you’re saying. “I know for a fact that there are 3.7 million-year-old footprints of Australopithecus afarensis! What the hell are you trying to pull?” Well, I’m not trying to pull anything, you angry bastard. While those footprints are much older, they don’t display the characteristics of a modern human foot meant more for walking great distances than for grasping tree limbs. There’s a surprising lack of fossil record showing the evolution of human hands and feet, since those tasty, bony bits are usually the first to be eaten by scavengers. So this new find is particularly significant in that it gives us a clearer understanding of when the foot our modern-day fetishists know and love came to be. Of course, there’s no way of knowing whether these aren’t just Jesus’ footprints, as he was known to carry early humans from time to time. More details here.