Paltrow Just Misunderstood

I’ve done my fair share of ridiculing actress Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s just so easy! When show off your cupping hickies at a movie premiere, you’re just asking for trouble. What are cupping hickies, you say? Well, cupping is an ancient superstition that says sucking your skin into the vacuum of a cup placed on top of it will somehow encourage the positive flow of your body’s energy. Yeah, none of that makes any sense, and I wrote all about it over at PinkRaygun.com. But Paltrow isn’t satisfied with simply displaying her idiocy (and freakishly sharp shoulder blades) by way of backless dresses. No, she also created GOOP.com, a website and newsletter where she dispenses health, diet, beauty, parenting, and living advice. Her credentials? She wore a silly mustache in Shakespeare in Love! Oh, and she ran from Jeff Bridges in Iron Man. But obviously that last one doesn’t qualify her to tell you how to treat your body. Like her acting skills, Paltrow’s website is pretty laughable. In addition to promoting pseudoscientific nonsense, she also dispenses valuable bits of wisdom about how you would be happier if you did nice things for yourself and ate good food. GOOP.com takes self importance to such great new heights that it’s crashing into our geosynchronous satellites. But instead of looking at her website, saying quietly to herself, “Oh, Jesus Christ, that’s embarrassing”, and promptly ordering its deletion, Paltrow is instead responding to critics with the tried and true “you guys just don’t get it” chestnut. “"I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it...” she told People magazine in her trademark sleepy monotone. Like most celebrities, I’m sure Gwyneth Paltrow reads The Amateur Scientist, so I’m going to make a personal plea to her. Gwyneth, I understand what your website is all about. It’s about you and the ridiculous things you believe and how telling others about those ridiculous things will make them more like you. Because being you, according to you, is the ultimate gateway to true happiness. I get it. You’re just horribly, hilariously wrong. More details here.