Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Miracle of Medicine

Mary Ellen Heibel of Annapolis had malignant tumors in her lungs, liver, stomach, and chest. This is bad. But then she sought advanced cancer treatment at Johns Hopkins Hospital, one of the best medical centers in the world. The tumors went away, and now Heibel is fine. This is very, very good. And a triumph for medical science. But hold on a minute. In addition to seeking medical attention from trained professionals on the cutting edge of their field, Heibel also prayed to the disembodied spirit of 19th century Maryland priest Francis X. Seelos, whose bone fragment she wears in a pendant around her neck. Yes, this is pretty creepy. And it's also a bit of a tragedy, since the ghost of Seelos is now taking the credit for all the hard work of Heibel's doctors. What a dick! But I guess you can't blame the guy. He only needs one more confirmed miracle in his name to be canonized as a Roman Catholic saint, which is really where all the heavenly pussy's at. Officials from the Church will be interviewing witnesses to Heibel's medical troubles, including her doctors, to determine if the success of her medical treatment can be chalked up to advances in the scientific understanding of medicine or, you know, magic. Ultimately, it'll be up to the Pope to make the call, since he's the world's greatest detective. As much as I'd like for Heibel's doctors to receive the credit they deserve, a part of me hopes her cure will be ruled a miracle. Every time I take aspirin for a headache, I pray to the ghost of James Brown that my headache will go away. Most of the time, it does. I'll be sending in my application to make James Brown into a saint as well. If successful, I'll also request that all prayers of thanks to Saint James Brown eschew the traditional "amen" for a loud proclamation of "I feel good!". More details here.