Foreskin Freedom

Putting aside the debate over whether circumcision is still a necessary or humane practice (probably not, but cut penises are just more fashionable), the fact remains that God made Himself perfectly clear in the Bible. If your pee-pee has a turtleneck, you can't buy a mansion in Heaven. Which is why an unidentified Vancouver man is arguing his botched home circumcision on his 4-year-old son was an act of religious expression instead of, say, criminal assault. See, he only wanted to be right with the Lord, so he stretched his son's penis across a cutting board, sliced off half his foreskin with a razor blade, and coated the wound in a blood clotting powder meant for horse surgery. And though the didn't use ice or anything to numb the pain (where would the Israelites have gotten ice, silly?), he did give the kid ice cream afterward. Now, you might be saying, "Sure, this is pretty harsh. But we're talking about a god who killed first-born babies en masse just for the thrills. You don't fuck with someone like that." Well, call me a bigot, but I think someone would have to have a severe brain injury to believe it's okay to perform amateur surgery on his toddler son's penis. What's that you say? This guy suffered brain injuries from a motorcycle accident? Well, there you go. More details here.