Pope Benedict XVI: Paranormal Investigator

Joey Ratz (a.k.a. “The Pope”, a.k.a. “Ratzo Rizzo”) has had it up to his silly hat with people making false claims about seeing the Virgin Mary, bleeding miraculously from their palms, and having other divine personal relations with God. Before he became pope, he wrote a treatise on how the upswing in these supernatural claims could destroy the church by ruining its credibility. Plus, if so many people have God on speed dial, what’s the role of a bunch of middlemen in dresses? So to help suss out the false claims from the real ones, he’s set up a multi-pronged system of investigation. The first rule of divine apparitions is you don’t talk about divine apparitions. If people refuse to quit blabbing about their bloody Mary statues, the deal’s off. Next, the visionaries will be examined by trained psychiatrists (either atheists or Catholics) to determine if they’re batshit insane. Third, potential miracle victims will have their educational backgrounds checked to see if they have the knowhow to perpetrate a hoax. If they pass all three of these tests, they will then be examined by an exorcist or demonologist to discover if these holy visions aren’t actually the work of Satan trying to lead people astray. Wait a second here… I was fine with the first three, but that last one sounds an awful lot like asking a vacuum cleaner salesman to tell you if your carpet’s dirty. And regardless, why not just let them all slide? There’s millions of dollars in merchandising potential for a single weeping Jesus sculpture. And the church sure could use that cash for their silly hats fund. More details here.