Why Don't We Do It in the Road (Only)

According to a disreputable British tabloid, 24-year-old Danielle Vincely has a certain phobia that makes her too scared to have sex anywhere but in the great outdoors. "I just can't do it indoors without freaking out," she says. "I feel like I'm being choked and about to pass out." But outside? Well, it's a whole different story. "I'd never had an orgasm before [but] the feeling of climaxing around Mother Nature was out of this world!" This, of course, raises some ethical issues. I don't know whether Danielle asked Mother Nature's permission before including her in a public threeway. But then again, Mother Nature is probably asking for it what with all her perfectly exposed mountains and chasms. So let's call that a wash. But assuming this story isn't completely made up, it's worth looking into what sparked this phobia. It's possible that Danielle just had a traumatic first sexual experience indoors. Maybe her first time outside was so much better by comparison that she created a mental block against fucking under a ceiling. She says her doctor tried to put her on antidepressants to cure her phobia, but she'd rather be drug-free and encrusted with acorns than having sex in a human bed and being dependent on pills. Fair enough, I suppose. But she's really cutting herself off from spectacular sexual relationships with pale, light-averse internet shut-ins like myself. Her loss. More details here.